


Something Like Heaven

by Threadbear



Series: Playing with Fire [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Band Fic, Band Manager Severus Snape, Bottom Severus Snape, Busboy Severus Snape, Canon compliant character deaths, Crush at First Sight, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Fame, Heartbreak, Late Nineties/Early 2000's era, London, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Post punk band, Recreational Drug Use, Rock Star Sirius Black, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, music industry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:20:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 62,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26391079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threadbear/pseuds/Threadbear
Summary: The year is 1998. As the 20th century draws to a close Sirius Black, budding rock god, if only everyone else would hurry up and recognise it, stacks shelves and plays guitar and if you expected him to call you back, well that’s on you. Severus Snape busses tables for a living and lives in a shit south London bed sit with not as many rats as you might think, but hey, he’s not a skinhead anymore so that’s something. Through the next eight years they will both have to navigate those four horsemen of the apocalypse, sex, drugs, fame and rock and roll, with varying degrees of success. They’ll grow up, fall in love, succeed and fail, not necessarily in that order and face the biggest challenge of their lives: each other.Or, the Second Chance City prequel you never knew you needed.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Severus Snape
Series: Playing with Fire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1917973
Comments: 94
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prequel to Second Chance City but you don't need to have read that to read and understand this fic, and they can be read in any order. I wrote SCC a few years back and just recently got inspired to write more in this world again, I hope you enjoy the boy's early shenanigans, if you've read SCC you'll have some idea of what you're in for, if you haven't, well, let's just say it's angsty. Ultimately this isn't a happy fic (you've been warned), but I do hope it's maybe... hopeful and even strangely life affirming.  
> The fic does deal with one or two sensitive aspects and I will warn appropriately as they arise.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter for mentions/discussions of racism.

Part I

**Looking Up**

The revolver bites into his temple and the blood pounding in his ears blocks out everything else. He brings his focus back on himself, on his hands, the expression on his face, schools it to blank. It’s not the first time this has happened but today may as well be when his luck runs out, it had just been that kind of day. He hears the familiar click of the gun being cocked then hysterical laughter that he supposed would be bone-chilling if he hadn’t heard almost every day for the past two years. “Can we get on with it?” He asks. Not that this hasn’t been great. Riddle laughs again then squeezes the trigger.

He wakes bolt upright, gasping. His heart is hammering so hard in his chest he can hear it.

“Fucking hell,” he mutters. Another brilliant start to the day. Nothing like a near heart attack to get you going in the morning. Miles more effective than caffeine. He shakes out a cigarette and lights it with a match. He wonders if he ever did wake up dead from one of these fucking dreams how long it would be till someone found him. Eaten by rats at age 20 in a south London bedsit was not the way he had envisioned his life going.

He eyeballs the digital clock on his nightstand. It’s only half eleven. Another seven hours to kill before he starts work. The hours stretch out before him long and empty. By the time he’s showered and shaved he’s decided he’ll take the tube up town to the university library where he’ll mainline coffee and pretend like he’s paying to be there (even though his torn jeans and cheap canvas bag always made him stand out like dog’s bollocks). Later he’ll take the 611 to the Hog and clock on.

The night passes uneventfully, he busses tables, keeps out of the way, and helps out lugging gear where he’s needed. The girls on bar slip him shots occasionally. Dumbledore tells him to see him after his shift and he supposes he’s got another job for him, he doesn’t wonder about the legalities of said jobs, just does what he’s told. He owes the man his life after all, and much more besides.

He knocks on the open door of Dumbledore’s office.

“You wanted to see me boss?”

“Come in Severus, we’re just finishing up.” The man says with a smile. He was always smiling at him like that, which Severus found unusually disarming. He had been the first adult person ever to treat Severus with any sort of kindness. Not that Severus would admit it to anyone but he would probably do anything for the man because of that.

Dumbledore was speaking to a guy about Severus’s age, he had a mop of light, floppy hair and spectacles and was shaking Dumbledore’s hand enthusiastically.

“Severus this is James Potter, his band has a couple of slots with us next week. James, Severus Snape.”

Thrilled, I’m sure, Severus thinks.

James Potter grins at him, he’s handsome, in a dull sort of way. Severus raises an eyebrow contemptuously and gives him a sarcastic approximation of a smile. What a massive tool.

“They’re called The Marauders, they’re rather good actually.” Dumbledore says to him after he leaves. “You might like them Severus.”

Severus makes a scoffing, non-commital sound.

“Severus, sit my boy.” Dumbledore always ‘my boy-ed’ him, like Severus was some eager young dilettante rather than the broken and world-weary ex skin head that he was. “Severus, what do you think you would like to do with your life. Have you given any thought to that?”

Severus’s brow furrows. “Uh, this?” He says, he doesn’t bother to keep the scorn out of his voice. What in the hell was someone like him supposed to do with their life?

“Let me put this another way. Severus, what is the square root of oh I don’t know, four hundred and sixty?”

Severus looked at Dumbledore quizzically. The daft old coot had finally lost his marbles.

“Humour me Severus.”

Severus shook his head. “Twenty one and I suppose point four four something. What is this?”

Dumbledore punched into a calculator and raised his considerable eyebrows. “And what would I get if I were to say, combine baking soda with hydrochloric acid?”

Severus doesn’t say anything and Dumbledore gestures at him encouragingly.

“I’d say you’d probably get carbonic acid and sodium chloride. In other words the stuff they put in drinks to make it fizzy and table salt. What is this, are we opening a lab? Shit boss not even Riddle dabbled in that shit himself. I’ll do it but shit, that stuff can get real serious real fast.”

Dumbledore laughs at him, his grey eyes twinkling. “Oh dear, no no, my boy, no. I was simply proving a point to myself. Severus please, do me a favour.”

“Anything.”

“Just have a think about what you might like to do. Make it as unrealistic and fanciful as you like. Just think about it. Please, for me.”

Severus nods slowly. “Mm hmm. Okay.”

“Thank you Severus. That was all. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

That night in bed while he tries to sleep Severus thinks about what the old man had said. Yeah ok, Dumbledore was right, he knew chemistry; for some reason the equations he read in the books he found at the library stuck in his head. What did that prove. Unrealistic as you like, he said. Well, there was fanciful for you. He couldn’t imagine himself doing that kind of thing for a job anyway, it seemed dull, he’d rather cook meth if he were honest. He scoffs at himself, cooking meth is about all you’re good for, you fucking loser. He thinks of his good for fuck-all father working at the mill most his life and then later, after the accident, cashing benefits and drinking full time. That’s about as much as life had in store for Severus. He thinks if Dumbledore knew that he wouldn’t be asking him any of these preposterous bloody questions. Fuck this, he thinks. Fuck the old man and his stupid fucking ideas. What did he know about him anyway.

* * *

“That was good guys. Just remember to keep it tight yeah?”

Sirius swings his guitar strap off his shoulder and pats himself down for cigarettes. “What does that even fucking mean Potter? You’re so full of shit now that you’ve started getting us actual gigs.”

James fiddles with the machine head of his Les Paul. “Who the fuck asked you Black?”

“I’m the lead fucking singer babe, don’t you forget it.”

“Not for much longer if you keep playing like that.”

“Whatever,” Sirius says in a voice he knows gets him hated almost as much as it gets him laid. “I’m gonna coast on my looks anyway. I don’t even need you guys.”

Over at the drums Peter splutters with laughter.

“Hey.” Sirius says. “What are you laughing at Pettigrew?”

Peter laughs again and keeps looking at him like Sirius’s own pet puppy. Anyone else it might annoy him but Peter was like family, like a brother. And anyway, Sirius liked being admired. And why not? If other people looked like he did they’d take advantage of it too. You had to use whatever you had at your disposal. And it wasn’t as if he had much else going for him these days.

He didn’t have the money anymore that was for damn sure. And he did used to have a lot of it, or at least his parents did. He sometimes really can’t believe he’d done it but mostly he’s just glad he had. Fuck the lot of them. His father, the Right Honourable Orion Black, he’d never had one good word to say to him in his whole life (and the thing about his father that he hasn’t ever told anyone, not even Jamie, is that he _knew_. He knew what Sirius was, long before he’d figured it out himself, he knew). And Walburga, well, she’d basically ignored him, she’d probably think he was still there if it wasn’t for his father so vocally and joyfully disinheriting him. And his little brother, little Young-Nazi creep that he was, he was probably just excited to get Sirius’s room. If it wasn’t for the Potters taking him in he’d probably be sucking dick for a living by now, though the thought of how bad that press would be for his father almost made it sound appealing.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going Moony?” Sirius says sticking a fag in his mouth.

“Got a class fellas. I’ll see you tomorrow night though eh?”

“What a fucking ponce.” Sirius says and grins at him. Remus knew he didn’t mean it, wasn’t like any of the rest of them could have done it was it. Sirius had left their terrible posh wanker school at sixteen when he had left home, no one to pay for it anymore even if he hadn’t hated every second there. And James and Peter had just scraped by with the bare minimum, James too obsessed with the music to care and Peter, well, their dear Peter had barely two brain cells to rub together, but bless him, they loved him anyway. Not that Sirius had regrets mind, he might be a shiftless layabout but a day didn’t go by that he wasn’t thankful he escaped from that drab nightmare of a life. Get a job your father picked, wear a tie, morning commute, kids in the suburbs. He’d rather die.

Their gig at the Hog the next night goes well. More than well. Fucking fantastic actually and the turn out is good. Better than they could have hoped for. James smiles smugly at them after, I told you, he says. And well, Sirius doesn’t have a single smart ass thing to say to him because getting them a slot at the Hog was a good coop, and they’d proven them selves tonight, Sirius can feel it, they’d done good, which means more gigs will be likely. And if old Dumbledore liked you that was as good a shot at something as you were likely to get. The Hog was known for cultivating young talent, and many bands before them had been signed on the strength of their time there alone. Scouts from London’s top labels were known to come to the Hog on the regular and it was rumoured that even the suits at the top listened to Dumbledore.

“You go on without me.” He tells James as they finish tetrising their gear in to James’ old hatchback. He had his eye on a fit looking bird who was standing up front during their show, she’d given him the eye after as they’d lugged their stuff out. He’s pretty sure she’ll be waiting for him when he goes back in. “I’m gonna stick around for a bit.”

“Jesus Christ. Don’t bring her home with you Siri.” James says. “You do that again mum will bloody kill us both.”

Sirius grins and winks at them and heads inside. Something will happen at their next gig that he will much later look back on as the start of the rest of his life, but right then he’s blissfully unaware of this. And when he goes back inside the girl’s smiling right at him and he makes out with her by the bar and she blows him the the toilets and when she gives him her number he doesn’t even bother to keep it and all is right with the world.

* * *

_The Marauders_. Stupid fucking name anyway.

And they all looked like toff public school dipshits. (Well, except the ugly one on drums, he couldn’t quite place him.)

Pity Dumbledore was right. They sounded insane. That was the annoying thing. God, they were good. They had a sound that Severus hadn’t heard much around London before, and he’d heard pretty much everything. A four piece, post punk revival for sure but tight and spare and cool as hell. And dammit if their lyrics weren’t slick too.

They just seemed so... pleased with themselves. It made his lip curl and his skin itch just looking at them. With any luck they’d tank their next show and he wouldn’t have to see them around again. It had happened before.

Except, except... the lead. When he had started singing Severus had looked up and he hadn’t looked away. He had watched their entire goddamn set from start to finish even though he was supposed to be working.

It was not supposed to happen like this.

Severus had this friend. A girl. She was his best friend actually, or used to be, even though she didn’t really speak to him anymore. The thing was, he had thought of her as his one. Too good for him for sure but she was pretty, my God was she pretty.

And yet.. his heart had never tried to escape his chest like it was doing now for her. This was such a fucking bummer. Didn’t he have enough to deal with?

The kids back at school had all called him a fag. How in the hell had they seen it before he had?

Jesus those fucking lips, that jawline, the way he moved. He was hard just thinking about it.

After, he sneaks into Dumbledore’s office so he can look up his name in his files. Sirius Black (lead vocals) he reads and his heart skips a bit because his name is as stupid as his own.

He watches Sirius Black pick up some insipid looking slip of a girl after the show. Watches him stick his tongue in her mouth, ( _God_ , Severus could tell he was a good kisser, he could just tell), watches her tug him into the bathrooms after her.

What an absolute dipshit.

* * *

“Who the fuck is that asshole?” He asks James.

“Severus Snape.” James tells him. “He’s Dumbledore’s man.”

Severus Snape. He feels the words over in his mind, the harsh staccato syllables.

“The fuck is he looking at me for?” They had just finished their second set at the Hog, they’d had a prime Friday night slot this time and it had gone even better than their first. The boys were riding a high and they had all stuck around after with the aim to get as shitfaced as possible, even Remus.

“He didn’t seem to like me much.” Says James. “Probably just planning my murder. I wouldn’t worry about it, he’s just like that so I’ve heard.”

Sirius swallows. The kid was ugly as all hell. He was tall, like Sirius, but slight, had a long angular face with a big beak of a nose tacked on and clumps of unwashed hair falling forward over his face. It was face you could just punch. Sirius thinks about slapping it. He’s suddenly aware he’s breathing hard.

The kid was still staring at him. Sirius bites on his bottom lip.

“Oi Black!”

Sirius turns, only now noticing that James had kept walking. He glances back once then follows after.

“You alright mate?”

Sirius shoves him with his shoulder, “Where’s that fucking drink at Potter you slack tart?”

 _Severus Snape_ , he thinks. _Severus Snape_.

The next time they play Sirius sees him watching from the side of the stage.

He hams it up for him, swaggers back and forth across the stage like he’s some kind of rock god, like he’s not just a nobody small time band geek that stacks shelves for a living, like he’s fucking Jagger.

He has no idea why he’s doing it, just wants to get some kind of reaction out of him. The boy just looks at them impassively, but his eyes bore right through him.

Eventually they are introduced. It goes terribly. Sirius has never met anyone who he’s had such instant mutual animosity with. Snape scoffs at him like he thinks Sirius is ridiculous and it makes Sirius feel small. He wants to mark up that face of his, break that stupid fucking nose.

“You’re timing was out on the fifth Black.” Snape tells him silkily. His voice is deep, deeper than you would expect and it has a dark velvety timbre to it. Shit.

“Who the fuck asked you?” Sirius says. They were drinking at the club after a late gig. He thinks he’s got something going with one of the birds on the bar and he was making him look like a fool. “Nice nose mate. Wanna keep it in your own business?”

Snape had made a mocking, derisive expression then looked him up and down. “Nice jacket.” He had said and had got up and left after knocking back his drink. He nods at the bouncer in the corner and they leave together.

Sirius sniffs and tries to pretend he hadn’t got to him. He had just bought the jacket. He had thought he looked good.

Stupid fucking cunt.

You know he was right Siri, James said to him later, your timing was out.

He fucks the girl in the small dressing room out the back and he tries not to think about that mocking, sneering face as he comes.

* * *

Severus makes up his mind to call Lily. She was his only friend after all, maybe she’d still talk to him after everything. Then again maybe not. At least if she doesn’t want to she can just not answer.

He has an ulterior motive to getting in touch with her again after so long. Of course he does, ulterior motive is his middle name. This is why he has no friends.

He would dream about him. On stage, beautiful and arrogant and unstoppable and he had resigned himself to waking up every day with a raging boner. It was past a joke at this point. He had actually started missing the PTSD fuelled flashbacks of Riddle and the bloody Death Eaters that had inexplicably taken a back seat. And then he’d get to work and he always seemed to just be there, slouching around with his dick head friends. So he had thought that maybe if he saw her it might somehow jolt him back to being straight again. It was worth a shot.

And he missed her too, you know. Like a lot.

“I’m sorry,” he goes with, “things got a little out of hand. Can we meet?”

She doesn’t hang up offhand, which he regards as a win.

“Snape you absolute cock.” She tells him. “I should just tell you to get fucked.”

He chooses a Starbucks a couple of blocks from the Hog. They order over-sweetened iced drinks with extra shots of espresso and thick whipped cream on top like they used to. I’ll pay, says Severus. Yeah you will, she says.

She’s as beautiful as always; high cheekbones, eyes you could drown in, the thick coily hair that framed her face and the deep brown skin that Severus used to think matched so perfectly with his own translucent white. It occurs to him now what an insufferable little git he was back then. Her eyes skewer him and he knows he will have to explain to her. Or attempt to.

“Where’re your little Nazi friends?” She asks.

Yeah he deserved that.

“I don’t do that anymore.” He tells her.

“Yeah I heard.” She says. “Your piece of shit friends called me a—“

“—yeah I know.” He says. “I’m so fucking sor—”

“And you just stood there and let them.”

He nods. “I know I did. I tried to apologise later—“

“It was too late then. You don’t understand Sev.” She says. “You have no idea what it was like for me in Cokeworth. You remember my mum’s white right? And my sister? And like, pretty much everyone we went to school with? Do you think that’s the first time I’ve heard that word? I actually used to think you understood.”

“I - I never thought of all that I guess.”

“You've never had to. Look I’m just trying to explain why I didn’t take your calls, why I didn’t want to see you. Why I still don’t think I can…”

“—I want to prove to you I’ve changed. Please. Can you- do you think you could let me?” He reaches into his pocket. “I can give you… three pennies and this plastic lighter that’s stuck on the high setting. It’s a pretty good deal.”

She studies him. “Ughhh. God I hate you. I can give you one day at a time, that’s all.” She says. “And no promises.”

“Perfect.”

“No it’s not. You haven’t won.”

“I know.”

“You grew your hair back.”

“Yeah.” He says, unconsciously bringing his hand up to finger the ends. “Hey Lils, I don’t think any of those things, for the record. I didn’t then and I don’t now.”

She nods. “I believe you.”

“Good.”

“You know that means very little Sev and I still haven’t forgiven you. You can’t manipulate your way out of this one, I know you too well.”

He holds his hands up. “I wouldn’t.”

“Sure. How’re you doing then?” He marvels at her capacity to care about him still, even in her anger. He knows for sure he wouldn’t be that forgiving. He’s never been more sure in his life of how much he loves her. He tries to summon the kind of pure carnal lust that he feels every time he looks at that bastard Black and he knows he can’t. Knows he won’t ever feel that way about her.

 _Well I’m probably queer now, so there’s that_. He thinks of telling her. Maybe one thing at a time though.

But despite that he’s not as bothered by it now as he’d thought he’d be, and maybe he was never really all that surprised.

“I’m ok.” He tells her. He reaches tentatively across the table and nudges her hand. After a moment she nudges back. “Now.” He says.

It was a start.

A few weeks later he makes the mistake of introducing her to that nob head Potter and the rest of them thinking bringing her to the club would win him some points with her. He regrets it instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes on The Marauders: I'll try to refrain myself from mentioning every single song that's influenced this fic, but you will have to allow me the occasional self indulgence. I based the sound and look of The Marauders on my love's, The Strokes, particularly early Strokes, so if you are curious as to what they sound like, take a listen to their first album, Is This It. I like Someday for Sirius and Snape's dynamic here.


	2. Chapter 2

The Marauders had already become regulars at the Hog; at this point they were playing there every week. Sirius and the boys had taken to hanging out at there a lot even when they didn’t have gigs. Old Dumbledore seemed to like them but maybe that was just because of the crowds they pulled.

They’re coming to see you, Sirius, Remus tells him before practice while they were waiting for James and Peter to arrive. The Lupins had let them turn their garage into a practice space and they had spent practically every week there since they were 16. Sirius still marvelled at the fact that people could actually have supportive, loving parents. Where do you think that’s going to get you Sirius? His father would sneer at him.

“As if Remy you nob.” Sirius says but he smiles secretively to himself.

Sirius waits until Remus is distracted tuning his bass. He tries to keep his voice light and casual. “Hey Rem? What do you think of that Snape guy?”

And this is why he had come early. Sirius always had a hidden agenda, was always thinking about what he could get. This is what his father never realised, Sirius was a Black through and through. More so than his brother Regulus who was at heart sweet and kind and always trying to prove he wasn’t.

“He’s smart.” Remus says. “He’s proper smart. He does seem to know it though doesn’t he. I’m not sure what he’s doing working where he does.”

Sirius who had been expecting some diplomatic Remy iteration of “he’s a complete weirdo” said, “That doesn’t sound like you Rems. What happened to ‘every profession is noble’?”

“I do think that. But him. He could be doing anything.”

Yeah that’s cool and all but don’t you think he’s sort of sexy in a weird way Rem? He thinks. Do you think he’s into dudes? Of course he wouldn’t say that, he knew for a fact Remus didn’t swing that way anyway.

“Yeah,” Sirius says instead, prodding for more, “but he’s still a bit of a freak isn’t he?”

“He’s a hard nut to crack.” Remus says. “But I haven’t found him to be all that bad. He’s actually quite interesting if you approach him the right way... I don’t think he likes you and James much though.” He grins.

“You can say that again.” Sirius agrees. “Anyway the feeling’s mutual.”

I’ve got a new song, he tells them when the guys arrive. He plays it for them then they jam it out for a bit until they have something rough but more or less crafted. It’s fast and catchy and aggressive, with a killer riff in the chorus that James makes up on the spot.

James is beaming at them when they’re done. “I think we’ve got our first hit fellas.” He says and they all grin unselfconsciously at each other because, can you imagine?

“What are you calling it Siri?” James asks.

“Are You the One?” Sirius says.

It happens to be a rare Friday night they don’t have any gigs on so after they sit around and drink cans of cheap beer from the tiny fridge Remus’s folks let them keep and eventually Sirius suggests they move on to the Hog.

“Again?” Says James. “We practically live there. I’ve heard of this new place on the east side we could check out.”

“We’ll go there after.” Sirius says. “And anyway, we get cheap drinks at the H.”

Sirius scanned the room when they got there. He always did it. At this point it was second nature to him. The place was already half full even though it was barely nine but he finds him easily sitting in a secluded booth with a girl, she was black, he thought, and maybe about his own age, her back is to them and Sirius can’t see her face, just her short curly afro.

It must be his night off, which was good, but also excuse me what the fuck? Since when does that ugly little fucker have _dates_?

The girl was gesticulating animatedly and Snape was looking at her and grinning, like she was the best thing he’d ever seen, Sirius had never seen him look at anyone like that. He’d never actually seen him smile before come to think of it.

“Hey freak, who’s your friend?” Sirius says to him when he comes up to the bar.

“Stay the fuck away from her Black.”

“Oh come on that’s not very nice.” Sirius says playfully.

“You’re face isn’t very nice.” Snape says taking their drinks and walking away.

“Don’t be like that Snivelly.” He calls after him. He’d recently coined the name Snivellus for him, he was quite proud of it. “Bring your friend over and sit with us.”

Snape transferred both drinks to one hand just so he could throw a middle finger back at him over his shoulder. Cheeky little prick.

“You’re gonna get punched one of these days.” Marlene tells him from the other side of the bar. She’s seemed to have forgiven Sirius for not calling her back. The boys all snigger.

“Who would punch this face?” Sirius says making his eyes wide and doe like. Actually a lot of people. He’d been punched a few times.

Eventually, as always, Sirius gets impatient. He corrals the boys over into Snape’s corner of the room with the intent of crashing his little party. Actually it wasn’t that hard, they were bored and all curious about what kind of person could possibly be friends with Snape.

Snape groans audibly when he sees them approaching. “Actual fuck off.” He says.

“Skootch.” Sirius says and they squeeze themselves into the booth, Sirius and Remus beside Snape and James and Peter on the other side next to the friend. She looks amused more than anything and Sirius is relieved that at least she’s not a prickly she-Snape. Snape has shoved himself as far into the corner as he will go but even so Sirius is pressed against him from thigh to shoulder. Hey, he can’t help it, he’s big, he takes up lots of room.

Snape on the other hand looks like he wants to deck him. The boy sighs. “Lils these are three massive tools I know called James, Remus and Peter.” He gestures his thumb at Sirius. “And this is a complete bastard who’s name isn’t important.”

Sirius grins widely and sticks his hand out. “Sirius. Pleased to meet you.”

She takes his hard with a smirk. “Lily. Likewise. Severus doesn’t usually talk so highly of people.”

Sirius laughs. “Ha! I like her Sniv, I think we’ll keep her.”

If looks could kill, the one Snape gives him now would have done it.

James gives her his most charming smile, the one he saves for girls he likes. Sirius has seen him use it on a number of occasions and he has to admit, it’s a good one, it makes him look handsome and confident and a little bit cheeky, he’s not surprised it works. “We’re The Marauders.” He says.

Snape rolls his eyes. “You do realise you’re not actually famous Potter. That means nothing to her.”

“Actually,” she says. “I think I’ve heard of you. You’re supposed to be good.”

“We are.” James says. “Come and see us tomorrow night. You have to.”

“She’s busy.” Snape says. Lily raises her eyebrow but doesn’t say no.

“Lily.” Sirius tells her. “You should both come out with us tonight. Convince him.” He says cocking his head towards Snape. “He never does anything.”

“Not bloody likely.” Snape says.

“Interesting.” She says, looking between the two them. “Actually I think we should.”

Sirius is utterly shocked to see him nod at her once with a good natured eye roll.

“What is this?” Sirius says. “How did you do that?”

“Sev’s just doing everything I say for while.”

“Is he? Can I get in on that?” I think I just realised what I want for Christmas, he thinks.

“Get fucked Black.” Snape says predictably. He winks at him and grins.

Later in the loos of the multilevel club they’re at, James turns the tap on and says, “Hands off Paddy, I mean it.” He uses his nickname for Sirius from back when they were just boys making forts. He’s reminding Sirius that they’re brothers and he’s serious.

“Yeah alright, chill bro.” Sirius says and it’s only then when he thinks about it that he realises how good looking Lily was, she was beautiful actually. She must be something for James to be getting his knickers in such a twist. Sirius had been too busy focusing on Snape to notice. It’s a pity James was being such a kill joy, banging her would definitely piss Snivelly off and that would be fun.

“I’m serious man.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Hey do you think her and Snape are...?” Sirius asks him.

“The freak?” James says. “Have you seen her? No way is that possible.”

“Yeah.” Says Sirius. “True.” And he’s left standing there looking at himself dumbly in the mirror long after James walks out. For a second there Sirius had forgotten that Snape was just an ugly little creep. Funny that his first reaction was to snarl at James _watch it mate, I can say it_. He shakes his head, what on earth was going on with him?

* * *

“Severus, have you given any thought to what we talked about my boy?” Dumbledore asks him.

Severus has to think for a minute to remember what he’s talking about, so much has happened since that bloody talk, several weeks ago now. Sorry Dumby, he thinks, I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’m not as straight as I have always assumed, quite the opposite actually and add to that I think my best friend has got a thing for that king of all assholes, Potter, so I’ve had other things on my mind.

“I’ve been a bit... distracted.” Severus says.

Dumbledore twinkles at him like he understands completely. “Oh yes, yes I see.” He says.

Oh shut up, Severus thinks, how can you possibly know?

Severus grabs the car keys from Dumbledore’s desk. “We’ll go do that thing now.” He mumbles. “Should be back by seven.”

“Thank you my boy. When you leave us we’ll be quite lost.”

Severus turns to go then turns back. “Don’t... keep you’re hopes up Sir. About me I mean.”

Dumbledore just gives him a small shrug and looks at him like Severus has said the most amusing thing in the world.

As much as Severus had tried to discourage it, Lily had come back the next night after that strange night out with the The Marauders that Severus had never, not in a million years thought would have happened. Severus had tried really hard not to stare at Black whole time he was on stage while Lily was there but it had been hard for him. Jesus Christ he was attractive; tall and muscular with olive skin and a sharp stubbled jawline, and that uneven, easy grin that made Severus’ mind whiteout every time. He usually spent the entire time mooning over him, he had sort of given up any pretence of pretending to work when they were on and let glasses pile up and everyone just kind of accepted it. Anyway what were they going to do? Could they do half the things he did for Dumbledore? No, they for sure could not. So they could fucking stick it. Though if anyone ever mentioned it outright he would have chewed them a new one.

Black probably noticed too, it was probably why he was such a cock to him. Anyway he tried not to be so obvious when Lils was around, but she was fast becoming a regular fixture around the Hog so it was becoming more and more difficult. Not that he wasn’t happy that they were friends again, or getting there, and that they now saw so much of each other, just like they used to back at school. She was even starting to trust him again, he thought. But dear God, at what cost? Oh, Lily said she wasn’t interested in Potter, she said that, but Severus could tell her heart wasn’t really in it. He was wearing her down, he could tell. And Severus was used to people liking her and not him. That had always been the theme of their relationship. Back at school everyone liked her, she had tons of friends and Severus just her. But he and Lily had been best friends since they were eight years old, they just kind of fit together even though by all rights they probably shouldn’t have. Well that was until he had met Tom Riddle and became one of his bovver boys that he liked to call his Death Eaters and Severus had thought he’d found people who accepted him for the first time in his life. You’re special Severus, Riddle had told him. At least that was what it was like at first.

Anyway, he was still on probation with her. He was currently doing all her laundry and last week she made him research for her paper on Contemporary Feminisms in South East Asia as well as an annotated bibliography on human anatomy. He said he’d just write the things for her too but she said it would be cheating. _So?_ He’d replied. _What was wrong with that?_ People like them wouldn’t get anywhere in life without lying and cheating occasionally. _Don’t be so naive_ , he’d wanted to say but he’d thought better and bit the words back.

The only upside to this whole Potter/Evans fiasco was that Severus got to see more of that complete waste of space Black whom had consumed all of his waking thoughts and many of his non-waking ones too. Actually, it was a blessing and a curse; when he actually got within three feet of him it was always a complete fucking disaster. They just got on each other’s _nerves_. If only Black wasn't like _that_ when he was performing, if he had never seen him sing Severus thinks he could have been happy uncomplicatedly hating him. But every time he saw him strutting about the stage, all sexy and confident and powerful, it didn’t matter if they’d just been at each other’s throats, it felt like someone had reached in to his chest and squeezed his heart in their fist. That’s not even mentioning Black’s voice. Dear god, how did someone that usually sounded like such a complete dick head sound like that when he sung? He could make his voice deep and rich and gravely or falsetto and breathy in the sweep of a verse. Didn’t matter to Severus, it was all good. Or rather it didn’t matter to Severus’ dick.

And Black was such a fucking whore wasn’t he? He rarely saw him without a girl hanging off him. God fucking damn it why did Severus have to be hard for the straightest guy in straight town. And not only that but the one who was so far out of his league they weren’t even playing the same game. What was wrong with him?

“Severus, you should date more.” Lily tells him over the terrible sickly sweet coffees they favoured. “And by more I mean more than none. You don’t really like living like a nun do you?”

Severus scrunches up his face at her and groans.

“What?”

“Do we have to talk about this?” He asks.

“What’s the problem? I’ve seen girls look at you.”

He looks up in pain. “Lils.” He says.

She looks at him seriously. “Sev?”

Oh, why not. He owed her some honesty, he thought. “Lils. That’s the thing. I’m like 98 percent sure I’m not into girls. So. There you go, you’re the first person I’ve said that to.”

“Ah— _ohh_.”

“Believe me it was news to me too.”

“Well shit— Was it? What made you realise?”

“Oh ah... just a bunch of little things really, no one thing.” He lies.

“Well.” She says with renewed exuberance. “We’ll have to find you a man then won’t we.”

“Jesus Christ.”-

“Unless there’s someone you have in mind already.” She bats her eyes at him.

“No.” He says. “There’s no one.”

* * *

Dumbledore tells them that there will be a few scouts coming Saturday night, nothing to worry about lads, but they’ve heard good things and they just want to see for themselves. No need to do anything special but you might want to dust off your best stuff. It’s not the night to try out something you’re working on is all I’m saying.

Naturally they were all excited, well except for James who was fussing and stressing around them like an anxious mother hen. Sirius wasn’t worried though, this was what he’d been waiting for. Bring it, he thought, I’m ready. As long as Severus was there he’d be fine, he found himself thinking. Then he started worrying that he wouldn’t be.

“Scouts coming Saturday.” He tells him.

Snape looks at him distrustfully, “I’ve heard.” He says to him in that silky drawl he’s perfected.

Sirius can’t think of what to say. “Just make sure you’re there alright?” He blurts.

Snape looks like he’s at a loss for words. Sirius has never seen him like that. Finally he seems to realise that Sirius is waiting for an answer. He nods at him, then stands there for a bit wide eyed, then walks off suddenly.

“It’s a date.” Sirius mumbles after him, low so he can’t hear.

On Saturday they play ‘Are You the One?’ first up, they slam into it loud and hard and as he sings Sirius looks out to the crowd and spots Severus.

 _Me and my girl,_ he sings _._

_Having a time on top of the world,_

_But I got a secret_

_No one can know._

Sirius smirks knowingly as he sings, wondering if he realises. He feels good and he knows he looks good too, he’s wearing his lucky tight black jeans that always get him laid and a ribbed singlet that comes down low over his pecs. For good measure he looks out over at the men in suits at the back and winks at them and grins. The crowd screams and he does his signature bite of his bottom lip because he knows it makes him look sexy and he feels like a god, like this is exactly where he’s meant to be.

In the tiny dressing room after Lily and Snape join them and they are all grinning like loons. James, the giant cheeseball that he is, pulls Lily to him and kisses her properly on the mouth like he’s in a fucking movie. Sirius looks over at Snape who’s just scowling at them but he doesn’t look particularly surprised.

Lily pushes him away. “Piss off.” She says but she’s grinning from ear to ear and yeah, she likes him too, if Sirius hadn’t known it already, he would now. James was right about one thing, Snape and Lily weren’t a thing, though he still had no idea whether Snape wanted them to be. Closed fucking book that one, that was for sure. And yeah he was happy for James but when he kissed her his primary emotion had been relief that it wasn’t Snape doing it.

“Sniv.” He says to him while the others are distracted. “What do you think?”

And Snape doesn’t even yell at him for using his nickname, just gives him a little tight lipped smile that’s mostly with his eyes and nods at him.

“You got it.” He says.

Later Sirius thinks he knew better than to trust the uneasy truce that Snape and he had settled into. It wouldn’t happen again, he thinks. Though it had been nice for five minutes.

They celebrate into the night. They wouldn’t find out if anything had come of it just yet but my god, it did go about as well as it could have. None of them wanted to give voice to it but it sort of felt like all their years of hard work were finally starting to pay off.

Sirius has no idea what the rest of them were doing but he for one was making the most of their tentative success. He presently had a group of about five girls sitting with him at their usual booth and they were flirting and laughing at his jokes and why bloody not? He was a rock star now babey. He’d be the only one who was he would bet, James was in luurve now, and Remus was effectively a monk but he had his own reasons for that and Petey, well. He had already decided he wasn’t going to bang any of them, but no harm in having some fun eh? Snape is dancing with Lily close to the stage and he swallows as he checks out his ass for probably the sixth hundredth time. At this point he wasn’t even sure why he did it. He could practically draw the thing from memory. Fucking look at it though. He has to look away so he doesn’t graduate from half hard to fully.

At first he doesn’t realise who it is when Snape shoulder checks him on his way to the bar.

“Watch it Black.” Snape snarls at him. For a second he’s genuinely confused, which is his first mistake with that little bastard, you pause for a second and he’s on you.

“What the fuck Snivellus?” He says but he’s laughing as he says it.

“Don’t fucking call me that you prick.”

And at that the thing in Sirius’s head that’s activated by Snape’s annoying fucking voice suddenly switches on. “I’ll call you whatever I like.” He says.

“Try it again.” Snape warns him. He smiles dangerously. “I dare you.”

“What are you gonna do you little creep? Huh? _Snivellus_ , what you gonna do?” Sirius says. “Yeah, that’s what I th—“

And then Snape fucking jabs him in the nose, quick and hard before he even knew it was happening. Jesus _Christ_ but that fucker hurt.

Time seems to stand still for a few seconds.

Then Sirius stops thinking and he just fucking jumps on him and it’s all on. He knocks him to the ground and he lands on top of him and they brawl, Sirius gets in a few good punches, one to Snape’s jaw and Sirius’ nose is just pissing blood like a faucet all over them both. Snape hauls them over so he’s on top and that little fucker is _strong_ , and a vicious little cunt to boot. But Sirius gives him everything he’s got, he’s a Black after all, he can be a bloodthirsty fucker too. Sirius punches him three times successively in his gut and Snape makes a pained oof sound.

From somewhere in the distance he can hear Dumbledore’s booming voice and suddenly they’re being dragged apart by two men much bigger than they are. Sirius snarls and spits a mouthful of blood in Snape’s face and it lands perfectly, a splash of red on pale skin. Snape lunges at him and he nearly gets him too, the bouncer struggles to hold him back despite his size and Sirius is physically dragged away and shoved in one of the rooms out the back.

Sirius breathes hard and sits on an old school chair staring at the wall while Dumbledore reams him out about ruining his chances and how it looks and how dare he assault one of his staff and Sirius is so angry he’s almost shaking and he just sits there trying to nod in the right places with the bouncer watching him like he’s a wild animal. Finally Dumbledore leaves and Marlene from the bar comes in with a first aid kit and a bowl of water.

“I don’t think it’s broken.” Marlene says dabbing his nose, she gives him a small sympathetic smile.

He gives her a tired gesture of thanks, his heart rate having finally slowed to a non-coronary level.

“Sorry Tony.” He says to the bouncer.

He holds his palms up. “Hey no skin off my nose. And the kid can hold his own.”

“What the fuck was that about anyway?” Sirius asks eventually.

“Sirius you don’t know?” Marlene says.

“Huh?”

“Never mind.” She says. “He’s lucky he didn’t do more damage.” She comments to Tony.

“Severus wouldn’t hurt _him_.” Tony says and he’s smirking for some reason.

“I did alright.” Sirius says, he’s a bit insulted at the implication he couldn’t take the little runt.

“Sirius, you do know about him don’t you?”

“Some.” He says. How bad can it be?

“He used to be a _Death Eater._ You have heard of them haven’t you?”

“Yeah but come on...It’s Sniv we’re talking about.”

“Their reputation isn’t made up. They’re ruthless Sirius. Snape is a fucking psycho. Why do you think Dumbledore keeps him around?”

“His charm and good looks?” Sirius says but it falls flat.

“I’m just saying you might want to think twice next time you get up in his shit.”

“Not fucking likely.” Sirius says. As if he was going to be scared of fucking _Snivelly_.

“Suit yourself.” She says getting up.

Fucking psycho was right. Little prick.

And to think he was thinking about making a move on him tonight. Ha. Not bloody likely now. What had he been thinking?

It’s not until much later that he can admit to himself that he enjoyed it. That it felt good, almost like fucking.

But not quite.

* * *

Why does he have to always be like that? Why couldn’t he act fucking normal? No, he has to go and straight up punch the guy he likes. Not just likes. _Liiikes_.

It had really shit him how Potter was all over Lily now, he won’t deny that. And then fucking Black. Stupid fucking slut. Fucking girls. And after he had _asked_ him. He had asked him to be there, what was he supposed to make of that?

After Tony had dragged Black away, Severus had stood there furious and shaking while everyone looked at him and he had wiped Black’s blood off his face with his sleeve. He remembers Lily, her trying to help and him shaking her off. _Don’t touch me,_ he had spat at her then he had taken off.

Thank God he had his keys and wallet on him because there was no way he was going back for them.

Fuck him, he had thought. Nothing like a fist fight to kill any feelings you might have for someone. How did he ever think he was so hot anyway? He was nothing but a stupid poser. He wasn’t even his type. Probably. He didn’t really know what that was yet.

After he’d walked a bit and calmed down he thinks god, why did I hit him in his face? I like that face. Did I break his nose? Christ he’s so hot and I go and break his fucking nose.

He really was going to have to get his shit together because he couldn’t just go around hitting Black every time he was with a girl. He would genuinely be punching him non stop. He was just going to have to get used to the idea.

He hears his name being being called behind him and he turns.

“Severus fucking stop. For the love of god I beg you.”

“Have you been _running_?”

“Yes.” Lily says limping up to him and gasping for breath. “Yes you stupid—you stupid twat I have.”

“Jesus.”

“I brought you your bag.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you. Say thank you you muppet.”

“Thank you. I feel like I should tell you I already had my wallet and keys.”

“Well that’s great. Actually give it fucking back then.” She says and tries to grab it off him.

“No!” Severus says. “No stop my mobile’s in here I’ll keep it, you’re an amazing friend.”

“Your only friend.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re covered in blood.”

“Yes.” He must look horrific.

“Do you think you’re gonna tell me what all that was about?”

“Probably not.” He admits.

“Okay.” She says and they walk along in silence for a bit.

“Why does he have to be like that Lils?” He says finally.

“I’m not sure babe. James says he’s actually a good guy underneath it all but I gotta tell you when I first met him I thought he was an absolute— well, never mind.”

“Me too.” He says. Even though that was only the second thing he had thought about him.

“Did you know he’s not straight? Well, he’s obviously into girls but he’s not straight either. James told me, said Sirius told him ages ago.”

Severus, who’s heart was hammering inside his chest said, “I didn’t but I’m not sure why you’re telling me that.”

“Yeah,” she says, “me neither. Well here you are. Do you need me to come with you and like.. help you wash blood out of your hair?”

“Nah. Your boyfriend will be missing you anyway.”

“You hate him.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s ok.” She says.

On the train he stares out the window and he smiles secretly to himself. Next time they fought he’d stay away from his face, he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song notes: Are You The One? is a Presets song and I like the Van She Tech NYC Rush mix from their Re-sets album for The Marauders. I actually listened to this version of the song on loop writing the beginning of this fic.


	3. Chapter 3

“We got four.”

“Four what?”

A slow smile spreads over James’ face. “Four fucking offers boys. They want to sign us!”

“Are you fucking serious?!”

James nods. And suddenly they all start yelling and hugging each other, all four of them in a big group bear hug.

“We fucking did it.” Sirius says. “Jesus and after they saw Snape and me brawling and all.”

“Yeah well you’re damn lucky Black.”

“Hey.” Sirius says slyly. “Maybe now we can get Petey laid.”

“Fuck off Sirius.” Pete says but he’s grinning like he thinks it’s a good idea.

James asks Snape’s opinion on who they should go with, even though he hated him almost as much as Sirius did. _He knows this shit_ , James says and Sirius wonders how he could possibly know that. Everyone seemed to know more about Snape than he did.

Neither of them had mentioned their fight since it had happened and things had more of less gone back to normal. Except maybe now they were even more argumentative with each other than ever, they didn’t hold back. Snape seemed to go out of his way to insult him, and Sirius, well he definitely did. He would go looking for him simply to torment him. He’s not sure why, it had just become his favourite thing to do.

“Go with the small one.” Snape had said.

“What? Are you serious? Sony wants to sign us man. Sony. We were thinking we’d go with them.” James says.

“Then why did you ask me?” Snape says turning back to his paperwork.

James takes a deep breath. “No. Go on. Tell us why. Please.”

“With the big ones you’ll be small fish, sure they’ll have resources but you’ll be bulldozed. You’ll end up making something you don’t like just so it’ll sell. With the small one you’ll have a much better chance in having a say in how you want your album to turn out and what your image will be. Your sound will be more authentic, more you. If you have any success at all you’ll be their guys, you’ll get looked after. Though that’s a very big if. The money is... inconsequential at this point. Later it will become important but right now, there are other things to consider.”

James looks a bit dumbfounded. “Oh.” He says. “I hadn’t thought of any of that.”

“Of course you hadn’t.”

“What do you mean ‘image’? We’re just us. We know what we want with our sound and stuff but we really don’t care about any of that other crap.”

“Well you’re going to have to start.” He looks over at Sirius. “All of you.” He says.

“What is that supposed to mean Snivellus.” Sirius says.

Snape seems to find that amusing, he just looks him over and huffs contemptuously.

“You fucking little-“

“Sirius!” James says. “Let’s go. Ah thanks.” He says to Snape and drags Sirius out with him.

The next time Sirius sees all the boys together they tell him they want to ask Snape to manage them.

“Over my dead body.” Sirius says.

“Sirius just take a second to think about it. He’s the only one of us who knows anything about this stuff and he’s, well he’s been there for practically every show we’ve done since we met him. He’s kind of our biggest fan.”

“Do all of you think this too?” Sirius asks and Remus and Peter nod at him.

“So you’ve all been deciding things behind my back, is that it.”

“It wasn’t like that Sirius, come on.” Says Remus. “Who else do we know that could do this?”

“No fucking way.” Sirius says and walks out, they’d have to finish practicing without him. Good fucking luck with that. The things was, he was going to agree eventually. But it wouldn’t do to let them think it was something he actually wanted.

And _sweet baby Jesus_ Severus in professional mode had been something. He was kinda hard right now just thinking about it. Sirius had actually been trying to provoke him into lecturing them again before James had pulled him away when he did.

“I’ll do it.” Snape says. “With a few conditions.”

James claps a hand over Sirius’s mouth before he can say, _no deal fucker_.

“Shoot.” Says James.

“You will listen to me and do what I tell you to do no exceptions. And no more Snivellus.”

“Hey Sniv get fucked.” Sirius says.

“And you will keep _him_ in line.”

James pushes Sirius behind him. “Deal.” He says sticking out a hand that Snape takes very reluctantly.

“This is going to be awesome Sni - Sev.”

“It certainly won’t be that.” Snape says in a bored voice and gets back to whatever he was doing before they had cornered him in Dumbledore’s office.

“I’ll get you Snivellus.” Black hisses at him as he leaves.

“Eat a dick Black.” Snape says without looking up.

* * *

Dear God what does he think he’s doing? Pretending like he knows how manage a bloody rock band just to get close to some hot guy. That was low even for him. That was pretty bad.

But in his defence it was a _really_ hot guy.

So he had tricked Potter into thinking he knew something about how the record industry worked when in reality he hadn’t known anything that anyone with half a brain couldn’t have worked out if they had given it a moments thought. I mean come on, what does he know about managing a band?

He laughs thinking about how he’d told Potter to keep Black in line. As if. What was he gonna do, muzzle him? He stops what he’s doing for a second as he contemplates the idea of Black tied up and muzzled. Yeah that wouldn’t do either. Far too distracting.

Dumbledore had let him clear out a small windowless storage room to use as an office, he’d figured he’d need one now he was doing the accounts for Dumbledore - which could be described as nothing less than an exercise in creativity - as well as whatever he would be doing for The Marauders. Dumbledore has been positively gleeful at the prospect; he really was the strangest man he’d ever met.

He’d picked up a large desk at a charity shop and pilfered a few chairs and a filing cabinet from the Hog’s storage. After he’d put all those in there wasn’t a lot of room to spare but he was strangely pleased with it. Then Tony had turned up with an old desktop computer that he’d procured from god knows where and stuck a pink bow on it and it’s about the nicest damn thing anyone’s ever done for him.

After that he’d called the band in and given them his contract that he’d drawn up himself, the bottom line of it was that he wouldn’t get paid until they did. As well as that he gave them an outline he’d made for the next six months, which included a strict and reasonably gruelling, considering all but Pettigrew had day jobs, practice and performance schedule.

“This is bullshit. We’re not doing this.” Black says, which of course he had been expecting, lazy shit.

“I’ve taken into consideration your work schedules.” He tells them. “This shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Your face shouldn’t be a problem but it is.”

“Listen Severus.” Remus says before Severus has a chance to bite back at him. “I appreciate the work you’ve put into this but most of these are at night. My parents work, they won’t want us keeping them up half the night jamming every night of the week.”

“So rent a space.” He says. “Or better yet, rent a house with a studio.”

“I warned you this would happen. This was supposed to be a laugh and he’s ruining it.” Blacks says.

“We’ll do it.” Potter says. “We’ll do all of it. If you think it will help.”

“Most certainly it will.” Severus says, thinking, _I have no fucking idea, I just thought I should be doing something didn’t I?_ “Your one job from now on is to create music. Let me deal with the rest.” _Whatever that is_.

It was probably the first time he and Potter had agreed on anything; they had inexplicably ended up on the same side. Though Potter probably hadn’t guessed his motivations were primarily to be in close proximity to their equal parts beautiful and intensely infuriating lead singer. And then, perhaps, secondly, to network and learn something about the business. Though to what end he hadn’t decided yet.

But yeah, he had to admit to himself at least that he wouldn’t have agreed to do it if he hadn’t believed in the music. And they could be great, make no mistake about it, he just had to get them to the next level. He wasn’t actually sure how one went about doing that but he was sure he would figure it out as he went.

“And have we made a decision?” He asks. “On the contract?”

“We’re gonna go with the one you suggested. Ah Gryffin thingy.”

“Gryffindor. And have you read it?”

“Well... no, but that’s what we have you for right? You’ll make sure it’s all above board yeah? We met them anyway, we liked them best. Just like you said.”

Severus rolls his eyes. Perhaps this managing thing won’t be as opaque as he first assumed. Make sure the band doesn’t completely screw themselves, that’s about it. “I’ll make sure we get a good deal.” He says with a sigh.

* * *

Sirius drags the final amp downstairs to the studio room of their new rental. Snape had been right about them needing their own place, they had all grudgingly admitted it, and it wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it now with all the extra gigs they’d taken on and not to mention the advance from the contract they’d signed. They had finally found the perfect place, one train stop from the Hog, but still fairly central. Sirius had never lived south side before and he felt kinda cool and edgy, like he was slumming it. He wonders how often he’ll get mugged. James had laughed him, central London is not fucking slumming it you posh wanker. At any rate, the neighbourhood wasn’t flash, but it had a few good bistros and some trendy boutiques and more of the usual signifiers of impending gentrification. Up and coming! James had declared and Sirius thought of what his mother’s face would look like if she knew he was living here and smiled to himself with self satisfaction when the others weren’t looking.

The house had two stories with a large studio space on the ground floor, three bedrooms upstairs and one below and a bathroom on each story. James had taken the large bedroom downstairs (being that he was the only one with a girlfriend, he had argued, and if Lily had to share a bathroom with three boys he would never get her here) and the other three boys had fought it out for the upstairs ones.

The Lupins and the Potters had helped them with the move and donated various kitchen implements, some chairs and an old sofa and Sirius had a bed being delivered later that day. They would have to go charity shopping for the rest. Snape had only turned up at the end of course, and Sirius had shoved a box of Remus’ books at him and he had scowled at him but carried it anyway and Sirius had tried not to notice how strong and ropy his forearms had looked with the heavy box in his arms. He had recently decided to stop this stupid little crush he had, it was ridiculous and was never going to go anywhere anyway. How could it when they couldn’t be within three feet of each other without a near or actual fist fight. And to be quite honest Sirius wasn’t even sure if Snape would be into it. So he had stopped looking longingly at his ass wherever he went. It was a start.

He left his room upstairs in a still packed shambles and started working on setting up their gear in the studio. Eventually all the boys joined him and they had the room looking pretty good. They were all excited to have a place of their own where they could jam as much as they wanted without annoying anyone. The room was even partially sound proofed so their neighbours couldn’t complain too much and they spent about an hour doing some extra soundproofing with the foam and extra carpets that they had from their makeshift studio in the Lupin’s garage.

Snape had bossed them around the whole time because apparently he knew everything about soundproofing too.

“There’s no point in putting it there. You’d be much better off putting it over there.”

“Piss off. You are so full of shit.” Sirius says but he does it anyway. Stupid fucking Snivellus, thinks he’s so smart.

“Higher you idiot.”

Sirius turns and can _swear_ he sees the ghost of a smirk on that fucker’s face.

“You know what? You do it then.” Sirius says and shoves the piece of foam and staple gun at him. He grabs a cold beer from the small bar fridge, it had been the first thing Sirius had installed and he congratulates himself on his foresight.

“Fine.” Snape says with only the barest of eye rolls and he starts hanging the foam according to his own exacting specifications that he had obviously just made up.

To Sirius’s horror his t-shirt rides up as he reaches, giving Sirius a pretty decent side view of hipbones and flat stomach above his jeans. Stop fucking staring Sirius you pervert, he thinks. Was no one else noticing this? What did he think he was doing showing off like that? Did he just not know? It was like he just went around everyday having no idea how sexy he was. It drove Sirius absolutely spare. If Sirius didn’t know already that he was bi, he would know now. Jesus Christ. What a bastard.

He has to stop himself from spitting, _can you fucking stop_ _that_ , and instead he grabs his cigarettes and storms outside to have a smoke. In his mind he imagines them both alone in there, he spins him around and pushes his back to the wall while the tools clatter to the floor. Would he let Sirius kiss him, or would he just punch him again?

The next time he sees him Snape is stealing a car.

At least that’s what it looks like. “What the fuck are you doing Sniv?” Sirius says, he’d just come out to the Hog car park for a fag. It was the middle of the goddamn day and he’d just popped in to go through the next month’s performance schedule with Snivelly, not expecting him to be outside jacking cars. They’d be recording their album next month and they’d have to carve out time for that. James was supposed to be here too but he’d taken a last minute shift at the supermarket. Sirius had recently been trying to convince James that they should both quit, they were hardly broke these days what with their advance, but James had been reluctant. _It’s not a lot of money once you break it down Siri, and we might not get any more for awhile._ Sirius would just roll his eyes, _you sound like Snivelly_ , he would say. But apparently Snape had got them a good deal as far as complete unknowns like themselves went, they were able to keep gigging like they had done before they were signed and the label couldn’t take any of their royalties. Sirius did have to admit, he wouldn’t have thought of including that.

“Not that it’s any of your business but I’m parking a car.” Snape said to him, his arm hanging out the rolled down window of a very nice old Aston Martin.

“Fuck off you are. Who’s car is that?”

“Friend of Dumbledore’s. They’ll be all afternoon. He won’t miss it.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m not lying he did ask me to park it.”

“Snivellus you are such a little shit.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to come?”

Sirius looks at him for a moment with an amused smile playing on his lips. “Hell no.” He says finally. “Let me in.”

“How old do you think this thing is?” Sirius asks playing with the interior switches and knobs as they pull out of the carpark.

“No idea. Fifties? I’m gonna look it up when I get home.”

“You’ll be looking it up from jail is what you’ll be doing.”

“Not sure they’ll let me have an internet connection in jail.”

“Dork. Where the fuck are we going anyway?”

Snape shrugs.

“This is by far the coolest thing I’ve seen you do.”

“What about that time I punched you in the face?”

Sirius grins, he’s funny, he thinks. He supposed there must be a reason for Lily keeping him around but he’d never really took the time to notice before. “Fucker.” He says. “That fucking hurt you know.”

“I know it did.” Snape says grinning.

“You could at least pretend I hurt you back. I have a very fragile ego.” He realises he’s slipping into flirting territory but he can hardly punch him now without killing them both.

“Of course. You’re very strong Mr Black. I was quite overcome.” Holy shit. Did Sniv just _flirt_ with him? Whatever it was, it was _doing things_ to him. Jesus he liked this Snape, relaxed and funny and flirtatious. Who knew all he had to do was get him alone? Oh, and commit grand larceny.

“That’s better.” Sirius says. He winds down his window and looks out, smiling to himself. Snape pulls on to the A3 and heads west and after awhile they can see little ponds and open fields. Snape’s a good driver, he makes driving this old beast of a car look easy, but of course he does. Just another thing he happens to be good at.

He thinks of asking him if he’s always this good with his hands but he thinks the shock might make him drive off the road or something. He wonders if Snape’s very experienced, he can’t imagine he is. At least he never sees him with anyone, male or female. He wishes to God he knew if he was into guys. He can’t think of a way to ask him without sounding like an asshole. He doesn’t want to do anything to ruin this unexpectedly nice moment they’re having and propel Snape back into rude and scathing mode.

“This is fun.” He says instead. “Hey what possessed you to just like take a car Sniv?”

“Borrow.” Snape says. “I don’t know. Something to do. I was bored I guess. And I wanted to know what it would be like to drive.”

Huh, maybe they weren’t that different after all. Sounded like something he would do.

“Hey do you think this will be us one day? Driving expensive cars. You know for real?”

Snape smiles as if to himself. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“Hey aren’t you rich?” Snape says after a minute. “Don’t you like do this every weekend after scones at the club or some shit?”

“I suppose so.” Sirius says. He just realises what a stupid thing it had been to say. He had just meant, do you think all this shit they’re doing will pay off. “I used to be. Not anymore.”

“I don’t think it works like that.” Surprisingly it’s not said with any malice, just as an observation.

“Yeah well it does for me. They disinherited me. We don’t speak. I doubt we ever will again. It’s cool, I wanted it.” He says, though he’s aware of how he must sound.

Snape doesn’t make fun of him, just signals right at the t-section and says, “Yeah, I had shit parents too.”

“Are they...?”

“Dead? Nah, in Cokeworth. Much the same though I suppose.”

Shit, Snape was proper poor. Sirius had never been anywhere near Cokeworth, but he’s heard of it from the news. It’s never good. It suddenly makes sense why the four of them with their casual attitude to money and their nice middle class London homes would piss him off. Not that Sirius had been middle class. Solidly upper class for generations. Blue blood through and through. James’ parents were wealthy and Remus was a scholarship boy, though by no means poor and Peter had a rich grandmother.

Sirius sniggers. “Scones at the club?”

“How the fuck would I know?”

“Well, we only had scones on Tuesdays.” Sirius says and Snape looks over and they grin at each other.

Snape had steered them into Richmond Park and they drive through it along the main road for a bit. Sirius had been here a few times as a kid but not for years. Eventually Snape stops the car on the side of the road where there is no one around. He imagined the place would usually be teeming but at quarter to one on a Wednesday they more or less had the place to themselves. They get out of the car to stretch their legs, there’s plenty of green open space and grand old trees. It’s pretty, if a little manicured.

They walk away from the car and sit under a large tree. “It’s nice.” Says Snape.

Sirius nods and for no real reason his heart gives a little pang for him.

“Shoulda bought a picnic.” Sirius offers before he remembers that picnicking wasn’t even close to the kind of thing they did together. The list of things they did do together was, granted, very short and included things like, fist fights and verbal jousting. Though admittedly after today it had gotten a little longer.

Snape gives a snort of laughter, “There’s a mental image for you. The most ill fated picnic in history.”

“Hey. We’ve managed not to kill each other this far.”

“There’s still the ride back.”

Sirius laughs. “Can you imagine what the guys would think of this?”

“Will you tell them?”

“That we stole a car? Probably not.” Sirius admits. Also he sort of didn’t want them ruining it.

“Borrowed.” Snape says.

It occurs to Sirius if he was going to make a move on him, the time would be now. He could brush his hair out of his face and pull off his soft grey jumper and make love to him in the back seat of the beautiful old car or even here under the tree with the soft summer sun dappling down on them. They probably wouldn’t be seen.

He can’t though. It had been an inexplicably perfect day. For some stupid reason he doesn’t want anything to ruin that. Since when did he think of sex as anything other a fun distraction?

Anyway the moment passes and Snape says, we should be getting back and they hop in the car.

“How the fuck do we get out of here?”

“I think it loops around, if you keep going the same way we should link up with the A3 eventually.”

On the way back they talk about the band’s schedule and Snape must be in a good mood because he agrees to extra free time given over to practice with very little push back. At the very least this had been a nicer way to conduct a meeting than in Snape’s tiny dark office.

Severus pulls the car up to the front door of the club.

Inside Dumbledore is talking to a heavy set man in a grey trouser suit with the jacket slung over his shoulder.

“And if you look over here my dear friend these are the new seating we put in around, let me see, ‘91 I believe, the previous colour scheme had been—Ah Severus, just in time. Mr Anand’s car is ready I trust?”

“Yes sir, as requested.” Snape says and hands the man his keys. “Parked out front.”

“Wonderful, wonderful.”

He and Sirius start to head off but Dumbledore calls after them. “Ah boys, if you would be so kind as to wait for me in my office? I think we have something to discuss.”

“Good one,” Sirius hisses at Snape as they walk out back. “You know he’s going to blame me again.”

“Hardly.” Snape says. “Anyway I imagine criticism just rolls off you Black.”

“If you think I’m taking responsibility for this one too Snape you’re nuts.”

“Please, I didn’t hold you at gunpoint.”

“You punched me first you little twerp, don’t think I've forgotten.”

“Oh spare me with that innocent act, it doesn’t actually work on anyone does it? You’re pathetic. You make me sick.”

Eh, c’est la vie, Sirius thought, it couldn’t have lasted forever.


	4. Chapter 4

Severus hadn’t known how to feel at all. On one hand it had been like a perfect dream, and they had even got away with it, or sort of, he hadn’t been entirely sure that they would; even though he had acted confidently to Black, it had at the time seemed like a secondary consideration.

But on the other hand, _ughhh_. He had been dying for that asshole to kiss him and he hadn’t. They’d had opportunity and Black was such an utter slut that he was sure he would have if he were interested. He would have let him fuck him quickly up against the tree or whatever Black wanted, he couldn’t imagine he would _make love_ to him whatever that was, and he didn’t even care if they were seen. They could have kept it a secret, no one would have to know, they could go back and Black could pretend to his loser friends that nothing ever happened, that he had never been with ugly Snivellus and Severus would have let him, he wouldn’t even care.

He feels like that was his one opportunity, he would just have to face it; Black was not interested. Coming on to him instead was out of the question, not when you looked like he did. He wouldn’t survive that kind of rejection. It was too abhorrent to think about.

And the worst thing? The very worst part had been that he had sort of liked him. He had been funny. And like, casually charming without trying to be. He’d never seen him like that before. He supposed that was what he was like with his friends, he couldn’t be a complete dickhole all the time and still keep friends surely.

 _Why is it always you two?_ Dumbledore had said and even though they were in trouble he had been secretly buoyant. Them two. He liked how it sounded.

He was meeting Lily that morning to go look at a flat together. They had chosen the same borough as the band house as it was close to both the Hog and to the university that Lily attended. That it was also close to the boys had been a nice little bonus but Severus had tried very hard to make it look like he didn’t care about that one way or another.

He meets her at the door of the red brick terraced house and the estate agent shows them inside. It’s not flash and the bathroom and kitchen are old but there’s much more room than he’s used to and two bedrooms upstairs.

“It’s perfect.” Lily says opening a built in wardrobe and poking her head in. “Let’s just pretend we’re still deciding and hang out for a bit.”

“This is the one for sure.” Severus agrees. This would be the nicest neighbourhood he had ever lived in by a long shot.

“So Sev, any nice young men lately that have taken your fancy?”

“No.” He says quickly though he had, since that day with Black, thought about this a lot. It’s not like he was a virgin (not technically) but his experience with men was strictly theoretical at this point. He really needed to stop pining after Wanker McWankface Black and hooking up with someone else seemed like the fastest way to do that. “But maybe I wouldn’t be… averse to the prospect.”

She claps her hands together. “Yes! We are definitely going out tonight now. I’ll call the boys. This calls for a Bureau night for sure. We need to plan your outfit.”

“Piss off Lils. The Bureau, really? I could probably wear a plastic bag and still get sucked off by a coke head in the loos.”

“If that’s what you want but I was thinking of something a little more elegant.”

He rolls his eyes.

“We’re going to get you laid!” She exclaims and if that doesn’t recommend them to the estate agent he doesn’t know what will.

Later at The Bureau they’re in one of the smaller rooms and the vibe is sort of Lo-fi which Severus far prefers to the massive heaving acid-house rooms even though he’s usually severely outnumbered on that account. He had been dancing with Lily but she had disappeared and rest of them were either God knows where or sitting down at one of the tables to the side so Severus had found himself dancing alone.

There’s a guy dancing near him that is pretty hot, or at least he’s kinda big and solid and maybe a bit geeky but in a sexy kind of way and he’s looked over at him a few times and Severus thinks why the fuck not? He’d had more to drink than was usually advisable and if the guy brushed him off no harm no foul he could just go grab another couple of shots and by the morning he probably wouldn’t even remember it anyway.

So he catches his eye and holds his gaze for a moment and it’s nothing really but that is definitely the first time Severus has come on to a guy. And yeah ok he’s quite handsome and apparently Severus’s type is guys too good looking for him. To Severus’s huge surprise the guy actually comes over to him, and he has no idea what to do next, he hadn’t actually thought it through this far. The guy gives him a smile that can only be described as lascivious and starts dancing with him. They are dancing very close, the kind of dancing Severus had only seen other people do and he shouts something in Severus’ ear that sounds like Ryan or Kyan and so Severus shouts his name back even though he’s sure he won’t remember a name so ridiculous as his own. Then before he knows it the guys’ mouth is on him and he’s kissing a man for the first time ever and he… likes it. It suddenly seems hilarious that he had just previously thought he wasn’t really into kissing. He had just sort of thought that it was fine but a little boring. What a little fucking twerp he was. If he had known it was going to be like this he would have done it much sooner.

“You’re sexy.” Ryan or Kyan says in his ear. Cokehead, he thinks, definitely. Eh, who cares. Severus smiles at him and leans in to kiss him again.

Later Kyan holds his hand and they go to the bar and he sees Lily give him a double thumbs up and an exaggeratedly wide grin. Severus ignores her, Ryan sees though and laughs, _is that your friend?_ He asks. No, Severus deadpans, I’ve never seen her before in my life. Ryan buys him a drink and it occurs to him he’s literally never had anyone buy him a drink before, he acts casual about it, but yeah, it’s nice you know? It’s something.

They talk for a bit and Kyan kisses him some more and literally no one cares or even looks at them strangely. He can’t help but think if this were Cokeworth they would be murdered by now. If he were still a Death Eater he would be for sure. Jesus if he can do this what else can he do? For a shining second anything seems possible, though that’s probably just the alcohol talking. And he hasn’t even thought of Black for a good hour, which is some kind of record. Especially considering Black hadn’t shaved today and normally when he looked like that Severus’s brain just sort of circuited out for awhile. God that tosser was beautiful. Stupid dick.

“Do you want to come back to my place?” Ryan says and Severus nods because yes, because why fucking not, because if he has to sit around pining after Sirius Black one more Saturday night he will literally go mad.

He’s following the guy to the exit and then it happens so quickly he’s not even certain what actually happened. What he sees is Sirius shoulder check Kyan on his way past. Or maybe Kyan bumps into him. He hadn’t really been paying attention.

“Watch it!” Black shouts at him.

“Hey man you bumped in to me.”

“Like hell I did.” Black says and then, like it’s happening in slow motion, Black shoves Ryan backwards.

Severus shouts something, he’s not sure what, then Kyan shoves Black, hard. This is where it gets a little hazy. The next thing Severus knows he’s between them and he’s pushing Kyan back with his forearm and snarling at him, _Don’t fucking touch him_.

“Oh fuck this.” Ryan says. “You’re both crazy.” And he walks out and with him Severus’s first chance to feel normal.

Bewildered Severus turns to face Black.

“Hey, thanks man. What an asshole.”

Severus sees red. “Fuck you Sirius Black.”

“Hey, what—“

“You don’t get to do that.”

Black laughs a bit, his pupils large.

“Are you high?” Severus says.

“So?” Black says and Severus can’t be bothered being here for this, so he turns to follow after Ryan-Kyan.

“Sev, so?!” Black calls after him.

He jogs down the stairs, if he’s gone far it will be impossible to find him.

As luck would have he sees him at the closest downstairs bar.

He takes a punt. Oh well, he has a fifty fifty chance.

“Kyan.”

He turns to face him and rolls his eyes when he sees it’s him. Nailed it.

“Sorry about that, you’re right about the crazy thing. Look, I’ll let you fuck me. You can do whatever you want to me and then you never have to see me again.” He’d suddenly lost patience with all this evasive bullshit. It wasn’t really his style anyway. Gay men were supposed to be direct and single minded in their pursuit of sex weren’t they? He could get behind that.

“Shit.” Kyan says. “I’m gonna say yes but only because you’re so fucking hot.” And the funny thing is he doesn’t look high, or even drunk particularly.

“Good.” Severus nods. “Hurry up then, I don’t have all night.”

Severus tip toes out of Kyan’s house about three in the morning. He’d had fun. He thinks Kyan did too or at least Severus hadn’t completely embarrassed himself. Despite his little speech the guy had asked for his number after. He had given it to him but on the train home he had tried to picture seeing him again, spending time with him, waking up in the morning next to him and he couldn’t.

There was only one person he could think of doing that with.

* * *

Yeah ok, so he shouldn’t have done it. It was cruel and thoughtless. He could be such a bastard to him sometimes, he got why Snape hated him most of the time.

It’s just that he had sat there for about an hour gripping his glass tightly watching him throw himself all over this asshole, who by the way, could be anyone, who knew what he was like, and ok he knew that in reality Snape was more likely the dangerous one, he got that but he just couldn’t think of him like that, he was so small and Sirius just wanted to pick him up and take him somewhere safe. So he sat there eyes boring holes into both of them, not even caring what he looked like, and then he remembered the bag of speed in his pocket that his weed dealer had given him so he had gone to the bathroom and by the time he had got back it had seemed like a good idea.

Anyway it hadn’t worked had it?

Later, he had asked Lily where he had got to and she told him he’d left but something about the way she looked at him told him he’d gone off with that douchebag. Sirius had a feeling she suspected how he felt about her best friend. He wonders if she had told Snape. Worst case scenario she had and he just didn’t care, wasn’t interested. The thought of that kept him up at night. He’d never had someone not like him back before and he suddenly got why it was such a big deal, why songs had been written about it.

At any rate, all this was doing wonders for his song writing. It was a source of bitter amusement to him that while he had been writing songs full of torment and pining James had been writing joyous love ballads. It wasn’t usually Sirius’s style but if the boys had noticed they hadn’t said anything. Their album was gearing up to be rather schizoid in tone.

At least he got his answer, Snivelly was very much into dudes. He just wishes he didn’t have to find out that way. The guy had been good looking. Not Sirius’s type but handsome even so, though his taste in men had narrowed considerably recently to a small pool of one. And no wonder the guy had been all over him, he had looked fit as hell, those signature tight black jeans of his that stretched perfectly over his arse, a plain white t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up and that chipped black nail polish he wore that Sirius found just unbelievably sexy. The worst part was that he had no idea, just absolutely no idea of how fit he was. For some reason that tosser had a reputation of being smart; every time he heard that he wanted to scream, are you kidding? That asshole is the biggest fucking dolt you will ever meet in your life and here’s why.

And maybe it was that night or maybe it was something else but in the weeks following their relationship deteriorated even further. He knew the rest of the band had had jack of it, knew they talked about it behind their back, how big of a problem it had become.

What’s up freak? Sirius would say to him. How’s it going Snivellus, you little creep. Snape would always scoff at him like he wasn’t even worth acknowledging and it got under his skin so bad. It made him want to shake him; look at me, he wanted to say, pay attention to me. Black you’re the worst person I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet, he would tell him. You’re a complete waste of oxygen, your existence is an abomination. Sirius didn’t mind, as long as he didn’t ignore him.

“Sirius likes pulling Snape’s pigtails.” James said before a gig one night.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Potter?” Sirius had snarled at him and stormed out of the dressing room. He was way off. It wasn’t his fault the little git rubbed him up the wrong way so much. James as usual had no idea what he was fucking talking about.

After their set he was still feeling kinda keyed up so he had basically banged the first bird who had given him the eye, making sure that Snape had seen them together first. It was better than going home and abusing himself to thoughts of him, he was getting fucking sick of that.

“It’s your lucky night love.” He had said to her. Fuck he hated himself sometimes.

Their first recording session had been scheduled and of course Snape would be there.

“Don’t let him wind you up so much.” Remus says. “You can just ignore like half of what he says. That’s what we do.”

“And also don’t wind him up. Try not to do that too.” Says James.

“Maybe we could just turn the mic off to the sound room.” Pete says. “Then Sirius wouldn’t be able to hear him at all.”

“Good idea Petey.” Sirius says. “The rest of you, piss off.”

In the lead up to recording James had made them spend hours preparing each song until they could practically play them in their sleep and Sirius wanted to punch him. Snape had managed to set them up a meeting with an up and coming producer by the name of Gideon Prewitt who had done some work that they had all admired. He had to hand it to Sniv, he might not always like them much but he knew how to talk them up to those who mattered. They were paying for their album with their advance so they hadn’t had much to throw around but they had managed to come to an agreement, or at least Snape had, none of them really knew how that conversation went but needless to say the guy was doing it for a much reduced rate. He hated to think what crap Snape had fed him to agree to that. He wasn’t sure if anyone else noticed but that sneaky little fucker could bullshit his way through anything and lie as easily as taking a breath.

And as Snape had predicted, going with the smaller label had allowed them some freedom that they wouldn’t have had with the larger labels and their in-house studios, pre-picked producers and records designed by executive committee. Though they had ultimately got less money it had already started to pay off.

If Sirius had thought he would swan into the studio the first day and start laying down vocals like in the movies he soon realised it didn’t work like that. They spent lots of time getting the backing tracks and then Pete and Rem had to lay down the drums and bass. Far from being exciting and glamorous in reality it was long days and a lot of time spent hanging out in the lounge playing Nintendo and drinking cup after cup of crap coffee.

Whenever Snape was there, they bickered. They bickered over GoldenEye, they bickered through the intercom over guitar riffs, they bickered in the carpark smoking cigarettes.

“Black just try that bit again.”

“Snape I will end you.” He would say but he would do it anyway.

When it finally came time to lay down his vocals Snape had so many notes Sirius thought he would actually kill him.

“Do I fucking look like I care what you think?” Sirius snapped finally and Snape threw up his hands and walked out.

Sirius tried the refrain a few more times before getting something he was happy with.

“How was that?”

“Great, I think we’ve got it.”

“What did Snivelly think?”

“He’s not in here Sirius.”

“Can someone go get Sniv please?” Sirius says with his hand on his forehead. Christ the least he could do was stay and listen. What an unbelievable asshole. When Snape arrives in the control room he listens to the last take impassively while Sirius looks on.

Finally he hears his familiar deep voice over the microphone, “Spot on. Well done.”

Sirius nods. “Don’t go anywhere ok?” He says back over the mic.

Snape locks eyes with him through the window. “I won’t.” He says.

Gideon wants to add some effects to Are You the One? He demos for them something that sounds like a woman in the throughs of ecstasy, though it’s not overt so it could be interpreted as more innocuous if you absolutely had to. It actually sounds really great, and fits the tone of the song perfectly except...

“That song’s not necessarily about a girl.” Sirius says and sometimes he wishes he were the type to shut up about things. It wasn’t as though any of the boys didn’t know that about him but maybe advertising it wasn’t the best idea. He thinks about what Snape told them so many months ago about image. He didn’t think many people would want to buy the album of a band who’s front man is bent.

If Gideon cares he doesn’t show it.

“We can make it more androgynous, like this.” He says and changes some levels.

Later, when Sirius finds himself alone with him, he says, “Hey, I'm sorry for assuming before.”

“It’s ok,” Sirius says. “Everybody does.”

Gideon throws him an apologetic expression.

“I don’t mind.” Sirius says. “Really. It’s just that, that song’s kind of my baby and I couldn’t bear...”

“I get it.” He nods kindly.

Sirius looks wistfully through the window of the control room to the sound booth where Snape is engaged in a serious discussion with their sound engineer. He looks back at Gideon who is looking at him with a questioning expression.

“Aw shit.” Sirius says and gives him a pained smile. “That obvious?”

Gideon just shrugs and smiles at him. He don’t talk much but he sure knows what’s up, Sirius thinks.

Once the album is finally cut and printed they’re sent a couple of boxes. They open them in Snape’s office and James cuts a box open while they all wait in silent anticipation. He hands one out to each of them, Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire. _The Marauders_. The album cover shows a city scape but if you look closer the city is on fire and almost completely flooded under a deluge of water.

“Play it.” Peter says and though they’d all heard the final cut a hundred times over, no one argues and Snape sticks a disc in the old Hi-Fi system he had scrounged up for this exact purpose.

“Go get everyone.” He says and Marlene and Tony and some of the others join them.

When Severus presses play and James’ guitar riff starts up they all cheer and Sirius and the boys hug each other. It sounds exactly how they had wanted it to sound. Better. And it’s everything they had ever wanted, even though they were yet to sell a single copy.

Though all the commotion Sirius looks at Snape, he smiles at him knowingly and Snape treats him to a tight lipped smile in return. Their eyes linger longer than is strictly necessary and Sirius can’t shake the feeling that they did it together, him and Sniv, even though he supposes all evidence is to the contrary.


	5. Chapter 5

The album does well. Very well. Better than any of them had imagined. It sells 250,000 in the first four weeks and now six months on it was still selling and they were set to hit 500,000 by the end of the month. In a year, who knows, they could be breaking a mil.

It was more than anything Severus had hoped for them. They had paid back their record company’s advance and now they were all making money. Not a lot by any means but maybe enough to sustain them for a year while they toured and got enough material together for another album of which there were already talks of. They had quit their respective jobs, Black and Potter at Tesco’s and Lupin at the cafe he barista’d at. Severus still did the accounts and the odd job for Dumbledore but he no longer bussed tables, something he he had no regrets about whatsoever.

They made a choice at the start to use whatever they had at their disposal to sell albums which meant, basically, Black. The album had been full of pictures of a half dressed Sirius Black in the foreground with the three other band members at the back. If the others had minded they hadn’t let on, Black was the showman anyway, the other three had no interest in being in the limelight. Perhaps Potter but he was handsome enough in a boy next door kind of way to get his own group of adulating fans.

Black though, he was born for this, anyone could tell that. It wasn’t as if the album didn’t deserve the attention it had got but Severus found it hard to imagine they would have moved quite so many if Black had been ugly. That was just the way the world worked. At the start their first single Are You the One? had picked up some radio play and had started to chart and with that Black would get recognised by the the occasional photographer around town. The thing with Black though was that he always had a different but equally gorgeous girl on his arm, was always up to something vaguely inappropriate, and was always dressed like sex on a stick. They hadn’t had to even try. Soon Black was a regular in all the society pages and the band featured weekly in all the papers. Didn’t hurt that the guys already had a reputation as sort of irreverent bad boys. They drank too much, got into fights everywhere they went and just acted in general like the fuckwits that Severus knew them to be.

At a gig at a club in Chelsea Black had jumped off the stage into the crowd and there was a ruckus; the bouncers quickly broke it up but not before Black had got a few good punches in. Black had just jumped back on stage and kept playing with blood on his knuckles and the crowd had loved it. Afterwards he and Black had fought about it, though he did have to admit, this reputation of theirs wasn’t doing them any harm at all. The press drank it all up, there was nothing they could do that was too wild or too badly behaved. It annoyed him that their idiot behaviour was being encouraged but on the other hand, it made him money.

Severus tried to stay out of it, he’d fought about enough for several life times with the Death Eaters. But once he had jumped in swinging when Black was dead drunk and getting pummelled. After he had desperately hoped no one else noticed how obvious he had been.

Gryffindor were in raptures. Severus had already started talks with them about their next album deal and this time they wouldn’t just be getting enough to eke out a living for 12 months. Next time they would be getting _paid_.

And if a little part of Severus died every time he had to see another pap photo of Sirius with his tongue down some society girl’s throat, well that was just the price you paid wasn’t it?

Now they were going on tour and Severus was coming with them, living with the four of them for two months solid. Not only would he have to hear about Black’s exploits he would get the singular pleasure of witnessing them in the flesh. For someone that was rumoured to be bi, he was hardly seen with members of his same sex at all. At this point Severus had come to the conclusion that Black just let people think the about him to seem interesting. Laughable now that they had all been slightly anxious about the single and it’s intimations towards ambiguous sexuality. Ladies man Sirius Black was the most common epithet he read. Serial womaniser Sirius Black.

Severus sometimes wondered what his own would be if he were the type to elicit such fame. Sad gay band manager, perhaps. Unattractive queer Severus Snape.

Their first tour would see them do shows throughout the UK and Ireland as well as in Germany, Netherlands, Denmark and Belgium. They’d be travelling in tour buses, with Severus and the four band members in one and the tour manager and their road crew in the other. Severus’s time as a Death Eater had taught him what it would be like sharing close quarters with other men day in day out, though all that really meant is that he knew that it was going to be tough.

Their bus was not new nor fancy but neither was it ancient. It had six stacked sleeper compartments down the back, three on each side and each came equipped with a curtain for privacy and there was one bathroom they would all have to share. Up the front they had a lounge and a small kitchen with a table surrounded by booths and even space to set up some gear and practice.

Before they set off Severus makes sure he grabs one of the bottom sleeper compartments, one thing he’s not doing is climbing up a fucking ladder every time he has to sleep. Black shoves his stuff in the other bottom one which is not really advisable given their penchant for frequent and loud arguments however Severus isn’t complaining.

“Fucking bored, let’s drink.” Black says after only their second day on the road. Their first leg of their tour had already technically been completed in London, however since they all lived there they hadn’t needed the bus until now. They’d already had one show in Oxford and were now making their way north.

“We've got another two months of this, maybe pace yourself.” Severus says, though he had to admit, he was bored too, there wasn’t a lot to do, and he didn’t think that any of them had really been prepared for that.

Except for Lupin who spent just about every spare minute studying. He was currently holed up in the kitchen table with papers spread around him.

“Why the fuck are you bothering with that crap Moony?” Black complains, sitting on the couch with a Fender in his hands plucking lazily. Christ, he couldn’t stand that public school compulsion to call people anything but their given name. And The Marauders’ ones were stupider than most, Lupin’s having obviously been cleverly picked for his unfortunate last name.

“I’m not quite sure.” Lupin says. “My advisor recommended I take a sabbatical for six months, see how things pan out but I wanted to see if I could do both.”

Severus had never met someone so cautious or distrustful as Lupin. It was strange because he was clearly smart and a talented musician, could probably leverage this into a worthwhile music career, (he would never be a star like Black, not because he wasn’t tolerably attractive but because he didn’t have the personality for it), but for some reason he clearly rejected the idea. Was obviously doing this for the most part for his friends. Severus just couldn’t shake the feeling that with Lupin there was something he was missing.

Potter on the other hand, Severus had no doubt, would make a career as a guitarist and songwriter, and a good one at that. He and Potter would never be friends but they shared a common outlook that the other three did not and of course, they both had one very important common interest. _I don’t think I need to tell you that if you do anything to hurt her I will literally tear your head from your shoulders_ , Severus had said, many months back now. _Do what you have to Snape, but you should also be aware that if you hurt her like that again, and I know you know what I mean, you won’t need to worry about all that because I will end you so thoroughly that no-one will even remember who you were_. _Fair_ , Severus had said and they had nodded at each other as if they were in agreement. Neither of them would hurt Lily Evans and they would both protect her with their lives.

Pettigrew on the other hand, would only be as successful as The Marauders were; if this were all to end tomorrow he would be hard pressed to land another gig. There were plenty of unattractive drummers around but Pettigrew was so spineless and dull that he couldn’t imagine any other band tolerating his presence.

“Oh fuck it, why not?” Severus says and pulls a bottle of scotch from the purpose built liquor cabinet, if he had already resorted to thinking about the lives of these four idiots he was going to need a drink.

Black cheers and Severus scowls at him as he flicks the lid from the bottle of whisky.

“Right, you selfish, spoilt cunts!” Potter is saying. “That’s it! For the rest of the tour if we need to discuss anything the three of us will have a meeting with Sirius first then Severus after. No exceptions. I don’t care if it’s going to take twice as long to get anything done, that’s what’s happening.”

“Yes dad.” Black says.

“Look what you’ve done now, you over grown child.” Severus says, strategically not mentioning the clear flaw to this plan in that they literally all live on top of each other. “You’ve broken him.”

“Me? You're the one with a personality of a rabid snake.”

“Snakes can’t be rabid dickhead.”

Potter just lets out a sort of animal scream and flounces out of the bus, with Lupin and Pettigrew trailing after him.

“You would know.” Black counters.

“Black you have the mind of a soggy orange. That you even manage to put on pants in the morning continually surprises me.” Severus wasn’t sure how he kept coming up with new insults for him, you’d think he’d be tapped out by now, but where Sirius was concerned he seemed to have an endless supply.

Black starts yelling at him properly then. “You condescending dickhole! Who ruined the show last night with their wheedling perfectionism! I wouldn’t be surprised if we needed to get a new roadie now you useless fucking spade.”

“I didn’t ruin it I improved it, not that you would know the difference. Talentless fucking hack.” Severus had sort of got up in his face for that last bit.

“You’re a terrible fucking manager! I don’t even know why we—”

“— your guitar playing is mediocre as fuck it’s about time someone —”

“— couldn’t manage a piss up in a fucking brewery—“

“— no that’s your specialty isn’t it Black—”

Eventually one of them storms out. Later he can’t even remember who.

The band was right though. This really wasn’t sustainable. He’s not even sure why he does it. Does he think that by yelling at Black he can provoke him into sticking his dick in him? You know it doesn’t work like that right? He asks himself.

Later that night he watched the boys play from the side of the stage. He still liked watching them, though he’d seen them a thousand times by now. Black wasn’t a mediocre guitar player. Far from it. His hands were big and strong and capable and he made it look easy. You can play me Sirius Black, he thinks, any day. Black was a fully fledged rock star now and he was beautiful to watch; he would strut and swagger, banter and flirt between songs, and he just had a way of being in front of a crowd that was completely at ease and utterly authentic. He should probably stop calling him talentless, he really wasn’t, though Black did know it didn’t he? He was doing a public service really, cutting him down a bit from time to time. Kept him grounded. _Black, that was adequate_ , he concedes after the show. Black widens his eyes at him, _That good?_ He says.

For all their trying the other three couldn’t keep he and Black apart for more than a half a day maximum. He knows why he does it, but Black? He can only assume he’s motivated entirely by equal parts spite and boredom.

It’s not all bad though. There are moments. When they’re not picking apart in detail each other’s many flaws and mistakes, it’s like they sort of fit together. Severus already knows he’s going to miss him like crazy when the tour’s over.

Little things. Like when Sirius rolls a cigarette for himself he always rolls another for Severus and they step outside together to smoke it. Mostly they bicker but sometimes they don’t, sometimes they go over their most recent show and talk about how to make it better or Sirius will play him something he’s working on. Or like the times that he’d spent hungover in Sirius’s compartment, when the others had been asleep, playing Gin Rummy with Black’s legs slung over his own and only a blanket separating them. Black would outplay him just as often as he lost, interesting that he always made sure people thought of him as empty-headed, Severus had never known anyone else that could best him before. _Kiss me_ , he would think to him sometimes when he was looking down at his cards, his brow furrowed attractively in concentration. Of course he never would.

Instead Black would bring girls back to the bus after shows, even though they all yelled at him for it.

“Where else would I bring them?” Black would say.

“Do they not have houses?” Lupin would ask.

Severus never saw Lupin with anyone, though he was certain the guy was straight as an arrow and Potter only had eyes for Lily and conducted long, lovelorn phone conversations with her from his bunk. And even with a wingman like Black, Pettigrew never seemed to get lucky. Or perhaps Black was the reason.

Severus contended himself with furtive gropes with nameless men in bathrooms and dressing rooms, none of which were particularly mind-blowing or even memorable.

That Black had never shown him any indication that he was even the slightest bit interested didn’t seem to dampen Severus’s desire for him, which was constant and burning. That is until near the end of the tour when something happens to give Severus hope. He had never really had hope before.

One afternoon before a show in Hamburg instead of sight seeing with the others, which Severus had had enough of by that time, he had fallen asleep in his bunk with the curtain open to let in the cool afternoon air. Because he had been alone he had taken his t-shirt off and fell asleep naked from the waist up with a sheet loosely draped over his torso. The first thing he registers when he wakes is a rhythmic shuffling sound and heavy breathing coming from the bunk opposite his, he doesn’t open his eyes right away because he’s a suspicious fucker by nature and had, quite correctly it turns out, suspected it might behove him to keep pretending he was asleep. If that was Black, as he suspected it was since the sound was coming from his bunk, it sounded a hell of a lot like he was masturbating. It was nothing shocking, they had lived with each other for coming up two months, you were going to hear that from time to time. Although they usually did each other the courtesy of shutting the curtains. Severus inched an eye open, if he had the opportunity to witness Black touching himself he was going to take it. He was no saint. What he saw was Black with his blanket up to his shoulders with his hand inside the covers moving up and down, his mouth was hanging open and he was lying on his side just… looking at Severus. There could be no doubt. He was looking right at him. And not in an eyes glazed over looking into the distance kind of way either.

Severus shut his eyes properly and thought for a minute about what he was going to do, his heart going a million miles a minute. Then, gathering all his skills of deceit and misdirection, he pretended like he was moving in his sleep and kicked his sheet down further so it came up to just below his hipbone, lying on his back he sleepily threw one if his arms above his head in a pose that was the most sexy he could pull off given the restrictions he had and groaned softly. He hears Black still for a moment, then the soft rustling start’s up again after it becomes clear that Severus isn’t going to wake.

Come over here, Severus thinks, just come over here and fuck me you idiot. Do it for fuck’s sake, I’ll let you do whatever you want, I don’t care how weird it is, I'll do it gladly.

Put your dick in me, he pleads, do it. Now.

After a minute Black comes with hard exhale of breath. Severus is equally elated and disappointed. He hears Black mutter a quiet _fuck_ , to himself and jerk his curtain closed. After a few minutes he hears him creep out of his compartment and then turn the shower on.

Severus opens his eyes and screws his face up in frustration throwing his hands down on the bed. By the time Black is finished in the shower Severus has thrown a t-shirt on and gone outside for a cigarette.

By the end of the tour Severus feels like an anxious shell of a person, what was he supposed to think now? And how come Black doesn’t make a move if he’s attracted to him enough to jerk it to him?

The thing was if he was going to he would have done it by now, the only thing he can think is that he’s ashamed of his attraction to him. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

He returns home with a renewed hatred for Sirius Black as well as the distinct feeling he’ll never be free of him.

* * *

That he was turning into some kind of perverted creep was undeniable. Watching someone sleep and secretly masturbating to them was pinnacle creep. That was Pervert 101. Sirius had felt so terrible about it he had all but ignored him for the rest of the tour.

If only he would just give him _something_ , anything to let him know he would be interested.

The awful truth that Sirius just didn’t want to face was he’d sort of made it clear that he wasn’t interested in him like that. Hadn’t he? Sometimes, when they are just hanging out by themselves and Snape lets that armour of his drop for a minute he thinks that maybe there was more between them than Sirius’s one sided pining. He was so bloody hard to read though. It was making him crazy. He wasn’t used to being so conflicted about someone, so unsure. Snape was too difficult for him by half. But dear God, that tight little body, that dusting of jet black body hair around his nipples, that tattoo he has on his inner forearm, the one he tries not to show people, he just has to think about all that and his cock thickens. His current number one wank fantasy is instead of just watching him and pulling at his cock like a pussy he goes over and covers his body with his own, his mouth is on his neck, over his sharp collarbone and he pushes the sheet down to reveal his cock, glistening and hard for him and god, he just begs Sirius in that deep voice of his to fuck his tight little hole so Sirius does and it’s tight and wet and glorious and by that point Sirius has usually already come.

But now that he’s home, mostly he just misses having him around. He had stolen a t-shirt from his bag during the tour and he sleeps in it and it makes him feel like he’s there with him.

At least the tour was a success, they’d had mostly sellout crowds and they’d seriously lived like rock stars for two months. It had been incredible. They had never imagined something like this would be happening to them so soon. And not that he’d ever had trouble finding people to fuck but this was something new entirely. It had been a veritable smorgasbord of A grade pussy every night of the week. He’d been worn out. He just wishes he could have enjoy it more but the more he’d fucked his way through the continent the more hollow each encounter had become. He’d never expected that. He blames Snivelly. He’d obviously broken him.

He’d done alright on tour too of course, don’t think he hadn’t noticed. Sirius worried about him. Men were disgusting. He wishes he would be more careful but he suspects if he were to say anything he _would_ get his nose broken this time. His sweet little psycho, people didn’t realise how fragile he was.

The band had continued to enforce the stupid seperate band meetings rule they had created during the tour. Apparently he and Snape were ‘unbearable’. Like it was any of their business. Except now they weren’t living in a bus together that was almost the only time he saw him. It really wasn’t acceptable.

“Sirius you’re not supposed to be here, we’ll tell you everything later at home. You know this.”

“Are we still doing that?” Sirius says dragging another chair up to Snape’s desk.

“Yes!” All three of them cry. Snape is silent though he notices.

“It’s dumb and there’s no point.”

“We didn’t make the rule for you.”

“Well then, it’s not fair. I’m in the band too.”

“As if we could forget.” James says.

“Can we get on with it?” Snape says and so they do and like that things are back to how they should be. Sometimes he wonders if he and Snape could do anything working together. They were both so sneaky.

“It’s Friday night, you know what that means.” Sirius says once they’d finished their meeting.

“You’ve got to get photographed sticking your tongue in someone with dangerously low IQ?” Snape asks.

“Let the defence note that it was Severus Snape that attacked first.” Sirius says.

“Noted.” James says. “Sev that’s strike one.”

“And yes Sniv that’s exactly what it means. And you’re coming. All of you are.”

After some drinks at the house Sirius shepherds them all to Trash, an indie club that he and the boys currently frequented. It wasn’t the prime spot for getting papped on a Friday night but usually there was someone about to take his photo. He knew the boys appreciated him taking one for the band, none of them wanted their pictures in the papers but they all wanted their album to sell. Though it had always been a running joke that Sirius was a massive attention whore. And in truth yeah it was no big ordeal for him to get photographed every night and the more terrible and outrageous his behaviour the more he got noticed. So far his music career had been one big licence to behave badly. Not a bad gig if you can get it. And he had managed already to cultivate a sort of irreverent air-head persona that seemed to allow him to get away with anything. _Sexy but vacant_ he had read once, he hadn’t minded at all.

Lily and James walk up ahead hand in hand and there’s a photographer who snaps their photo, though Sirius already knows it won’t get used. It’s the same shot they get every time. James Potter with the same girl. Boring. Remus and Pete follow and they don’t get noticed. Remus had done everything in his power since day one to be invisible, and the boys sort of had an unacknowledged pact to protect their baby Remy at all costs. And Petey, well.

Him and Sniv were walking together as usual, more often than not they gravitated together somehow, even though it was usually to wind each other up. He grabs Snape’s hand and surprisingly he lets him, as he walks past the photographer he grins, making sure they get snapped with hands clasped.

“You’re fucking shameless Black.” Snape murmurs to him.

Doesn’t he know it.

He doesn’t let go of his hand though and once they’re inside he pulls him to the bathrooms and drags him into one of the cubicles. Snape leans against the partition and pulls out one of his cigarettes and lights it. “What assortment of illicit substances have you got for yourself tonight then?” He says with the fag in his mouth.

“Just coke.” Sirius says. “And you don’t have to be such a fucking cop about it.” He didn’t do drugs that much and he resented the implication that he did.

Snape just gives him that look like Sirius is too stupid to even warrant answering.

He places a mirror on the top of the loo and cuts a few lines on it with his credit card. He snatches Snape’s fag from his mouth and takes a couple of puffs. “Having some?” He asks.

“I’ve never done coke before.”

Sirius exhales and passes the cigarette back. “It’s brilliant.” He replies, rolling up a fifty.

Severus high is like a revelation to him. That quiet confidence and contempt he has for everyone around him is turned up to like 50 and Sirius thinks he can glimpse the man he could become.

 _I want you, you stupid bastard_ , Sirius thinks.

Snape smiles at him.

God, somebody shoot him.

He gives him another bump later on to keep him going and watches him on the dance floor with Lily, while he sits at their usual round booth. It’s nice to see him so relaxed. Maybe he could go dance with him and they could make out a bit. Though it’s not really that kind of place. Nice to imagine but not realistic. He thinks about getting photographed holding Snape’s hand, even that was provocative and he already knows they’ll be speculation. That was why he did it. There was a plausible deniability with hand holding that just didn’t exist with tongues in mouths.

There’s a girl standing with her friends looking at him and giggling in his direction, she’s cute and her skirt is short and she looks sweet. I need sweet, he thinks.

“Come over here.” He mouths to her, nodding his head in his direction. “Yeah you. Come here.”

She sits next to him shyly. “I’m June.” She says.

I don’t care, he thinks.

He smiles instead. “Sirius.” He says in her ear.

“I know.” She giggles. I know you do love, he thinks.

She asks him about his tattoos and listens as Sirius talks about himself. She’s impressed when the staff come by with drinks and when Snape and Lily come and sit down with them Sirius says, “this is my new friend...um.”

“June.” She smiles widely and holds her hand out. She doesn’t even seem to mind that Snape doesn’t take it, just sneers at her, lip curled in unmasked contempt.

Lily leaves and Sirius brushes the girl’s cheek with his thumb and starts making out with her. I suppose you won’t mind me doing this since you don’t like me, he thinks to him.

His hand accidentally brushes Snape’s while he still has his tongue in her mouth and neither of them move their hand away and then to his surprise, he feels Snape spread his legs into him. Sirius’s cock is instantly interested in this new development. He brushes up his thigh lightly with the backs of his fingers.

Am I doing this? He thinks.

Fuck it, I’m doing it.

He rests his hand on his thigh properly, Snape doesn’t push it off, so he gives it a squeeze and slides it up. And fuck, now he’s gripping and kneading Snape’s thigh with his tongue in someone else’s mouth. I wish I were kissing you, you get that right? He thinks. He’s so hard he can barely think. Is he really letting him do this?

He tries sliding his hand up a bit more, it’s nearly at the crease of his thigh. He feels like he can feel his pants tenting. He wants to move his hand up even further, wants to feel him. Should he do it? He imagines unbuttoning his pants, putting his hand on his cock with everyone looking, but no one suspecting. He imagines his pearly come sliding down his fist.

Fuck, he’s going to do it, he’s going to, he inches his hand up -

Snape pushes his hand away roughly and he slides out of the booth. “Sev!” He calls but he’s walking away from him.

“Severus!” He repeats to no one.

Sirius turns back and sits dumbly, staring straight ahead. He feels strangely like someone has torn his heart from his chest.

“Asshole.” The girl says, but it registers dimly. “All the girls say you’re a bastard Sirius Black and they’re right.”

And then he’s alone again and he brings a shaky glass to his lips drinking deeply, not even sure who’s it is.


	6. Chapter 6

“Sev you have got to tell me what’s going on with you.” Lily comes up behind him in the kitchen and speaks gently like he’s an unbroken horse she’s trying not to spook.

“Nothings going on with me.” He mumbles and pulls his blanket back up over his shoulder. He flicks on the kettle and shoves a tea bag in his cup.

“Severus you’ve been listening to Mazzy Star and crying, it’s not healthy.”

“I haven’t been crying.” He says belligerently, like a sullen teenager.

He had been crying. God his eyes must be red rimmed. “Leave me alone.” He pushes the cup away and storms up the stairs and slams the door to his room.

Bullshit. Can’t a guy get his heartbroken without people asking questions? What was he supposed to say anyway? That he can’t bear it anymore? He can’t bear being his fucking afterthought anymore? The one he flirts with but never fucks? That he can do sweet fuck all about it and now his heart is breaking?

He wants to turn Mazzy on again but he can’t now can he, and they’re the only one’s that understand what he’s going through.

He takes a few deep breaths to try and get it together. Well done Severus, he tells himself, it’s been been six whole minutes since you’ve cried. Maybe tomorrow we can try for a shower, who knows.

There’s a soft knock on the door. He cocoons the blanket even further around himself. She knows he’s in here and he can’t very well pretend he’s asleep.

“Come in.” He croaks.

Lily’s holding the mug of the tea he’d started, steam rising from it, she pushes back one of his curtains just a bit and sets it down on the windowsill next to his bed. She sits down wordlessly next to him.

“You’re in love with him aren’t you?” She says softly.

He stares straight ahead and blinks a few times, then takes a sharp breath. “Mm hm.” He nods. “Very much so, yes.”

“Oh Severus.”

“Don’t. I’ll get over it.” Though he doesn’t believe that. He’s been of the opinion for awhile now that he’s capable of holding on to this for the remainder of his lifetime.

“How long have you...?”

“The start.” He says, still not looking at her. “The moment I saw him. The very first.”

She just nods but says nothing, which was good, he doesn’t think he could take that kind of pity right now.

“You know what James told me?” She says after a moment. “Before he dropped out of school Sirius had been near the top of his class. Like top three or something. James said he’s really smart. Not that he would ever let on.”

“Is that supposed to help or—?” He says.

“It just made me think of you. You were top in like every subject they could dream up and then, just like that you left. No one really saw it coming, they thought you were going to go to some big shot university on scholarship or something.”

“I’m sure anyone really gave a shit what freaky Severus was up to.” He says.

Lily just shrugs. “All I’m saying is that I don’t think you two are as different as you think. Maybe there’s a reason you like him so much.”

“Doesn’t matter does it.” He says. “Can you see us together? Does that seem realistic to you?”

“Why not Sev? What’s wrong with you?”

“Are you joking?”

“You used to like me remember?”

“You knew? Oh _God_.”

“I liked you back you know.”

“You did not.”

She shrugs. “I did.”

“Why?” Severus says, incredulous.

“Why wouldn’t I? We’re best friends and you’re cute and crazy smart.”

“I mean, I’m not cute and you’re...”

“What?”

“Flawless.”

“I’m not and you know it.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” She counters. “And anyway you’d have left me as soon Sirius “Jawline” Black came on the scene.”

“No way.”

She raises her eyebrow at him. “You liked me but you didn’t _Fade into You_ like me.”

He cracks a smile at her. She’s right of course. “Cow.” He says. “It’s not fair to tease me, my heart is breaking.”

“You’ll live.” She says. “Right, shower. Then proper food. Then we’re marathoning 80’s dance movies and eating our body weight in ice cream.”

* * *

“ _Shit_.” Sirius says, for the dozenth time. “Can we start again?”

All the instruments clutter to a halt.

“What’s up with you Black?” James says. “You’re killing us here.”

_What’s wrong with you?_

_Nothings wrong. Why would there be something fucking wrong? Everything’s fucking peachy._ He had got up and walked straight out of the club, found the nearest taxi and gone home.

“Nothing.” He says. “Just need some sleep I guess.”

“Let’s take a break.” Says Remus.

“I—“ he resists the urge to snap he doesn’t need a fucking break, he just needs to keep going so he doesn’t have to think. He takes a breath. “Yeah. A break. Good idea.”

He’s outside on the stoop watching cigarette smoke curl in front of his face when James joins him. “You got one of those for me?”

“Thought you quit.”

“Nah. Just what I tell the old lady innit?”

Sirius gives him one with a small smirk. If James and Lily kept anything from each other he’d eat his guitar strap.

“Might this be related to whatever happened Friday night?”

Sirius shrugs and blows smoke out slowly through his lips.

“I couldn’t help but notice our Snivelly stormed out just as dramatically that night too.”

“Don’t call him that.” Sirius says. “He doesn’t like it.” He doesn’t say, when I do it’s with affection, he assumes that’s understood by now.

James nods. “So on a scale of one to ten, ten being wanting to bang his brains out and have his evil little babies, how screwed are you?”

Sirius breathes in. “Like a 20.” He nods.

“Bugger.”

“Yeah.”

“At the risk of sounding thick, why don’t you just do it then?”

“Not that simple is it? He’s not into it anyway.”

“And you know that do you? I assume you’ve both spoken about this calmly and rationally at length.”

“Piss off. I just know alright.”

“Sirius I’ve literally never seen you strike out in your life you annoyingly handsome prick, are you sure you’re really trying?”

Sirius just gives him a side long glare.

“Remember when I walked in on you in bed with the rugby captain? I think he’s married with a kid now.”

He laughs. “Yeah. I remember that. What’s your point?”

James laughs and gets up. “No point I guess. Just that you’re a slut. Come on, the boys’ll be waiting and I’m sure you’ve got another depressing ass song for us to learn.” He holds out his hand to pull Sirius up.

Sirius grins and takes his hand. “You noticed that did you?”

“Oh we noticed that.”

He doesn’t see him again for another two weeks. Something tells him that Snape is ignoring him. He’d cancelled their band meeting twice and every time they all went out together Snape was nowhere to be seen. Sirius had scared him off completely, he was a sad, desperate perv and Snape wanted nothing to do with him. He would look at himself in the mirror and wonder what it was about him that Snape didn’t like. Was he not big enough? Too dumb? Was his chin too pointy, his ears too big? What was it?

Then on a Thursday evening as Sirius is leaving the house and the last of the sun dipped below the horizon, he almost bumps into him.

“Shit Sniv what are you doing here?” He says opening the door to him on the front step. His poor little eyes look so wide.

Snape clears his throat. “Just. Have... band things to discuss. With all of you. Yeah. Band stuff.”

“Well no one’s home.”

“Oh.”

“I’m doing laundry. You can come with me and like. Tell me and then I’ll... Let the guys know. Who are currently not home.”

“Why aren’t you doing laundry in the house?”

“Machine broke. Come on.” Sirius says ushering him away from the house before he can change his mind.

“You could at least help me carry these bloody bags.” He tells him on the way. The laundromat is just a couple of streets away but they’re heavy.

Snape gives him a sidelong smirk. “I like it when you do it.”

Well fuck. Sirius grins at him. Yeah ok.

When they get there, the place is completely empty and he loads the washing into a machine and they sit awkwardly next to each other and Sirius has no idea what to say. It’s starting to get dark out and the lights over their head are bright and phosphorescent.

“Photo shoot with NME next week.” He says finally.

“Yes.” Snape says with audible relief.

“Big deal.”

“Yes.”

“Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes. Yep. That was it alright.”

“Have they sent through what we’ll be wearing?”

“Uh huh.”

“And?”

“Clothes.”

“Great talk Sniv. We’re so lucky to have you.”

Snape laughs. “Sorry. Ah yeah. What did they say again? Oh that’s right, and I quote, ‘Sirius will be wearing not much and the others will be blurred in the background so who gives a fuck.’”

“Shut the fuck up.” Sirius laughs. “Come on what did they say?” They pass the rest of the time talking about the shoot and about new bands they’d seen recently and liked and coming up with increasingly bizarre and specific insults for each other until the washing machine beeps and it’s nice and it kind of feels like how they were with each other when they were on the road.

“Black you cock, is that my t-shirt?”

“Huh?” Sirius says and tries to shove it in the dryer quickly but he’s too late.

“It is!” Snape grabs it.

Sirius snatches it back off him. “It’s mine. Maybe you have the same one.”

“So it’s just a coincidence I lost mine.”

“Yes.” Sirius says slowly, he bites his bottom lip.

“You’re an idiot.” Snape says in a low voice. He swallows and his Adam’s apple works up and down.

Sirius suddenly realises how close they’re standing, “Takes one to know one.” He says but his voice comes out a whisper.

Snape tongue darts out to wet his lips and Sirius just _stares_. The t-shirt drops with a wet thunk. He thinks of what James had said, he _had_ turned the rugby captain.

“Oh bugger it.” He says.

He pushes Snape up against the dryers. Snape’s eyes burn with something he’s not sure is lust or hate. Either way, Sirius crowds himself against his body and smashes his lips to Snape’s, Snape was waiting for him like a little bitch in heat, head tilted and lips wet and parted and wanting. What an easy little cunt after all. His mouth feels good though. Jesus Christ. He knew it would.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since I first fucking _saw_ you.” Sirius pants. “None of those girls had anything on you. I always thought of you anyway.”

God it was true, he was everything, how did people not notice? He had wanted to tell each and everyone of them looking down their nose at him, darlin’ you ain’t got shit on him, not even close.

“Black you’re a stupid jock bully cunt and I can’t stop fucking thinking about you. I think about you in my fucking sleep.”

“Thank god.” Sirius says with relief.

“If you don’t fuck me soon I’m going to explode.” Snape spits. “You stupid oblivious cunt.”

Before he had met this weird little fucker if someone had told him, _If you don’t fuck me soon I’m going to explode, you stupid oblivious cunt_ , was going to be the hottest thing anyone ever said or will ever say to him he would have, quite correctly, laughed. But fuck, yeah, that was it for him, he was done.

“God,” he says, “I think you were made for me.”

He kisses him again, just kind of fucks his mouth with his tongue, pushing him hard up against the dryers with greedy hands on his ass and Snape responds to him perfectly, like a little needy slut and it’s awesome. Then the door clangs and they pull their mouths apart guiltily. Sirius gets treated to a scowl as a chunky middle aged woman marches past them clasping a basket of laundry. She’ll probably go away thinking this laundromat is some kind of gay cruising spot, he thinks. “I’m so hard.” He whispers into Severus’s neck and they both giggle.

Sirius finishes loading the washing willing away his erection and then they just sit on the plastic seats and watch his washing spin in circles with hands clasped. He’s fucked if he’s going to let go of him just because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable, he doesn’t roll like that.

He carries both bags of clothes home himself because he’s his man now, he does that kind of thing. “I’m sorry for feeling you up the other night.” He says.

“You’re apologising for the wrong thing.” Snape says.

Sirius smothers down a smile. “I’m sorry for kissing someone who wasn’t you.”

“That’s the one.”

“It won’t happen again.” Sirius says and he grins because he means it.

By the time they get home Sirius feels half mad from not touching him. “C’mere.” He says, dropping the bags on the door stoop and kissing him slow and wet up against the door.

Suddenly Snape freezes.

“Do you know there are a lot of people in your house?”

“Shit. James was saying something about that.”

“I thought you said they were out for the night.”

“Yeah, I lied.”

“Idiot.”

“I wanted to spend time with you alone.”

Snape had nothing to say to that.

“Is that Black?” He hears a drunk voice say through the door. “Blaack!”

“Idiot.” Snape repeats and Sirius opens the door to at least a dozen people in his lounge drinking and more through in the kitchen.

“Hey you brought Severus!” Remus says, sitting on the floor rolling a joint.

“We just ah saw each other coming in.” Sirius mumbles storing his bags in the hallway.

“Weird, I just spoke to Lily, she thought you were already here.” James says.

“Weird.” Snape says and gives Sirius an evil look which Sirius thinks isn’t really fair considering it’s not like he’d orchestrated this whole thing.

They end up sitting on separate couches drinking beer out of bottles and giving each other searching looks.

 _Sorry_ , Sirius mouths at him from behind his beer and Severus fixes him with a hard expression.

Sirius gets out his mobile phone. _I rly want to fuck u_. He texts him.

He hears Snape beep and he waits an appropriate amount of time before casually getting his mobile out. If he’s has a reaction to Sirius’s text he doesn’t show it.

 _I had that n mind 2._ He gets back. Sirius puts his hand on his heart like he’s overcome and grins.

Snape suddenly gets up. “I have to go,” he says.

“Mate you just got here.” James says. “Lil will be here soon.”

“Some of us have work to do.” He says and Sirius mouths _No!_ at him. He ignores him.

James shrugs at him in sympathy. He’s just wondering if he should run out after him when he gets another text.

 _Im outsd u nob let me n th back dr_.

He tries not to grin at the fact that he’d taken the extra time and letters just to insult him. “Gonna go put my washing away.” He mumbles to no one in particular, no one will notice anyway, the place is full and more people seem to be turning up every minute. And so much liquor is getting drunk he’ll be surprised if they remember him disappearing.

“Black you want some of this?” Remus asks.

“Not right now!” He calls behind him.

Thankfully the back door is deserted.

“Get in.” He says. “Before I ravish you right here.”

Severus follows him up the hallway to the stairs, both of them sneaking like thieves, he grabs his washing on the way through and they run up the stairs.

“Oh my god I can’t believe that worked.”

Snape just stands there stiffly, eyeing him cautiously.

Sirius wraps his arms about his slim waist. He tucks a lock of his hair behind his ear. He looks inexplicably shy and vulnerable. His sweet baby. He knew he was nothing like his reputation. He just knew it. “You’re in my room Sniv.”

“Mm.”

“Finally.”

“You could have tidied up.”

“I wasn’t expecting company. God you’re sexy. Have I told you that? I can’t even think straight when you’re around. You drive me wild. Just so you know where I’m coming from.” He says. “I’m super fucking into this.”

“Okay.” Snape breathes.

“That all you’ve got to say?” He says, kissing him. “Okay?” Snape smiles into his lips, _Mm_ , he says.

“Fuck you Snivelly.” He whispers and they kiss again.

“Okay.” Snape repeats but his voice is rasped and breathless. And goddamn, Snape kissed like he fought; dirty with a sharp, vicious edge. It had been awhile since he had kissed a man and he found the roughness and the hard edges new and exciting. He was rock hard already.

“Sirius.” Snape says. “Remember what I said before?”

“Totally baby.” Sirius says distractedly, mouthing at his clavicle.

“Black, you better put your dick in me soon, I swear to god.”

“Holy fuck. Get on the bed then you massive cock slut.”

“Hurry Black.”

“Shit I am.” Sirius says, hurriedly pulling his jumper and t-shirt over his head in one go and tossing off his shoes. Snape’s already naked and lying on his stomach by the time he gets on the bed, that round little ass that he’d been lusting over for so long just waiting for him.

He groans,“Ugh God Sniv, your ass.”

“You better be planning on putting something on that thing. I know where it’s been.”

“I’m always safe.” Sirius’s says, he’d be insulted if he wasn’t currently so turned on. “And yeah ‘course.” He adds, even though he sort of hadn’t been. Not like he could get him pregnant was it? He feels around under his bed and finds lube and condoms, he rips into one and puts it on himself before hastily smearing himself in lube.

“Come on.” Severus moans.

When he pushes into him it takes some effort and they both groan, loud. Snape’s not being quiet, he’s on his hands and knees with one hand bracing against the wall as Sirius props him up with his cock.

“They’ll hear us.” Sirius pants.

“I don’t care. Fuck, I don’t care.”

“So tight.” Sirius says. “Fuck, so tight.”

“Ugh!” Says Snape. “Ugh!!”

“You deserve this you little fucker,” Sirius says. “You deserve this hard fucking.”

“Yes,” Snape moans back. “Yes yes I do.”

Later after Sirius has poked him another time for good measure and they’re lying under the covers just licking into each other’s mouths like gross little animals there’s a loud banging at his bedroom door.

“Blaack!” James’ drunk voice sing songs through the door.

He swears and gets up, chucks his jeans on and cracks the door.

“What?” He can see James and that guy Jace who always has the good weed through the other side of the door.

“You wanker come out and drink with us.”

“Piss off.”

“Who’s in there with you?” He tries to peer in through the crack.

“No one you know.”

“Izze shy?” James slurs.

“It’s a he?” Jace asks.

“Siri‘s into dudes too.” James says in a very serious drunk voice.

“Oh, right on. Gotta love who you love right? Listen, I've got this amazing North African indica dude, you gotta try it your brain will melt out your ears I swear to God.”

“Sounds amazing man but I’m kinda busy.”

“Ohh right on, I getcha, I getcha. Nice.”

Into a cupped hand James yell-whispers at Sirius, “Must be some good dick bruv, never seen you say no to drugs before.”

“Please stop Jamie, you drunk bitch. And yes it is.” He says before closing the door on them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mazzy Star is like *the* alternative melancholic heartbreak music of the nineties. The song Fade Into You that Lily mentions is from their 1993 album So Tonight That I May See.  
> NME was a British music magazine that google tells me now only exists as a website.


	7. Chapter 7

He’s in the kitchen with Lily gripping his mug of coffee like it’s a life preserver when Black saunters in like he lives there. His heart leaps in his chest when he sees him.

“Hey Sirius.” Lily says.

“What do you want Black?” He asks, he meets his eyes and pushes down a knowing smile before Lily can turn around. Just a few hours ago his hands and his cock and his tongue had been inside him. He’d snatched a few hours sleep when he’d got home, but had got up and showered early, feeling like his heart might burst. Lily had shot him a few strange looks as he made them both coffee and tried to keep the grin from his face.

Black studies him a bit longer than was customary then says. “We need to talk about our show tonight.”

“What about it?” Severus says with faux innocence.

He gets back a quick shit eating smile. “I need... sparkling water in the dressing room this time.”

“I see.” Severus says. “Anything else?”

“Uh huh.” He says. “I’m glad you asked. I have a...list of demands.”

“Black, you’re disgusting.”

“Mm hm, I’m awful.”

Lily mumbles something that sounds awfully like _Jesus Christ get a room._

“I’m leaving.” She says to them. “Probably see you both after the show.”

“You bastard.” Sirius says to him after they hear the front door shut. Severus gets up from the table and Sirius grabs him. “Mm,” he says into his neck, “I missed you this morning.”

“Me too.” Severus says breathlessly. It wasn’t fair that Black made him behave like this. It was so unbecoming.

“I had to come and see how you were.” Blacks says.

“Sore.” Severus says truthfully.

Black backs him up to the kitchen counter. “Is that right?”

“Mm, you’re a beast.”

Black suddenly picks him up by his ass so his legs are around his waist. God he’d done that like it was nothing. “Poor baby. Want me to kiss it better?”

“Sev have you seen my umbrella? I think it’s going to—”

He and Sirius look around and freeze and Lily is doing a decent statue impression in the doorway.

“—rain.” She says.

Severus winces, arms thrown around Black’s shoulders like a swooning maiden. “I think it’s hanging up behind the door?”

“Right.” She says and reaches for it. She gives them a wide grin before fleeing.

“She looked less surprised than I thought she would.” Black observes.

“She knew I... liked you,” Severus says. “She guessed.”

“You like me do you?”

“Maybe.” Sirius kisses his neck and Severus shivers.

“I thought you hated me.”

“I do. It’s a conundrum.”

“You’re a fucking idiot Snape. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to plow your ass? Jesus.”

“No.”

“I told you already. Since I first fucking saw you.”

“You did not.”

“I did, believe me. That first time I saw you. I was half hard watching you stand there scowling at me.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because you’re such a cagey little bastard. Can you blame me for thinking you would have decked me for trying anything?”

“I only hit you for not trying anything.”

“I know that now.”

“Sorry about that by the way. I felt bad.”

“Sure you did.”

“I did. I thought I might have fucked up your face.” He smirked.

“Cock.”

“I saw you you know.” Severus said slyly. “In the bus. Pervert.”

“You bastard! I knew you did! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you? I wanted you to come over.”

“Oh yeah that would have been a good look Sniv. You know what happens to people who molest their sleeping work colleagues? You know that’s pretty frowned upon right?”

“I didn’t think of that.” He says honestly. Now he feels a little stupid about it all.

“Dear god. Why do most people think you’re so smart?”

“I am smart.”

“You are so not Sniv. Lucky you’ve got such a hot ass. How long’s it been since my cock’s been in you?”

“Too long.”

“Damn right. You better show me to your room before I fuck you against this sink.”

“Fine.” He drawls like it’s a chore and takes Black upstairs and rides him until Black is moaning for him.

They don’t emerge from his room until hours later when they are both filthy and starving. He pulls Black into the shower and gets on his knees even though Black says, Sniv I think I’m all wrung out. Mm, Severus says and licks his soft cock into his mouth anyway.

“Look how good you look sucking me. God.”

He hardens against his tongue and Severus’ exhausted dick throbs at the knowledge that he can make Sirius Black hard.

He draws his mouth off and Sirius nudges himself past his lips slowly. “Ugh, look at your lips stretched over me. This is what you were born to do Snivellus, you were born to take my cock.”

Severus hums in agreement because he already knew this. It was good that Sirius was finally understanding.

He tries to tell him something but it comes out garbled.

“What’s that baby?”

Severus pulls off and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “You taste good.” Sirius makes a desperate moaning sound. “I want to know what your come tastes like.”

Sirius curses. “That’s good because you’re going to.”

Later in the dressing room before the show he makes the grave mistake of staring at Sirius just a fraction too long. What kind of man can wear leather trousers and get away with it anyway? Ridiculous.

“Damn.” Sirius says. “How is it possible that I want to fuck you again? It’s just that when I look at you I just get this really strong feeling that I’ll feel better if I stick my dick in you, you know?”

“Sirius stop. Anyone could come in.” He says. “...I didn’t mean really stop. ... fuck do you have anything on you?”

Of course he did and before Severus knew it he was bent over an old ripped sofa with Sirius’s dick up his arse.

“Ugh.” He says. “You hate me. Fuck me like you hate me. _Uhhh_.” He bucks beneath him suddenly.

“That it?” Sirius asks. “There you little bastard? It’s there isn’t it?”

Sirius hits that spot inside him again and Severus sobs. “Pull my hair.” He says. “Pull my hair you fucker.”

And so his head is being jerked back sharply and his eyes have probably rolled back in his head and he’s pretty sure he has a dreamy smile on his face when Lupin walks in.

“Oh thank Christ!” Is all that bastard can say. “Maybe now we can get some fucking peace!” Which was a bit rude as far as Severus was concerned.

“We’re on in five.” Lupin says, grinning.

“Piss off Moony!” Sirius says but he doesn’t pull out.

“Don’t stop,” Severus pants as the door slams, “C’mon c’mon c’mon.”

“He could have had the good manners to be surprised about it.” Severus grumbles to Sirius after as he adjusts his clothing.

Sirius lights a cigarette unhurriedly. “I fucking reckon. If they were all so in on it I wish someone could have told me.”

Severus raises his eyebrows. Well exactly. “Coming?” He says.

“You go ahead.” Black says going for his jacket. “Won’t be a minute.”

Severus goes out front to find Lily and a spot to watch the show. He supposed he can’t suddenly start objecting to the drugs now that he and Black were sleeping together. It’s not like it was even a problem anyway. He’s not really even sure what he’s worried about. Black was an adult.

Lily asks if they were a thing now. Fuck, I don’t know. He says. How was he supposed to find that out?

Black saunters on stage late, the rest of the band already there and waiting. He swings his guitar strap on to his shoulder then bends his cigarette end and drops it. “Sorry,” he says into the mic. “I was shagging.”

The crowd cheers. “Severus!” Lily yells at him. “When did you become such a little slut?”

The first time I saw that one, he could tell her.

A couple of weeks later Sirius asks him if they were exclusive. Say yes, you idiot, he tells himself. _Say_ _yes!_

“Whatever.” He says with a shrug. “We don’t have to be.”

Yes we do!! The voice cries.

Shut up! He scolds himself sharply, there’s no way I’d be enough for someone like him so just let him do what he wants.

“Alright babe.” Sirius says with a smirk. “If that’s what you want.”

And that had lasted a while, and it hadn’t been that bad. Black had mostly just fucked him anyway. They’d hardly been able to keep their hands off each other. Until one night at Trash after Black had made sure he had been photographed with some up and coming BBC2 presenter who’s name Severus hadn’t bothered to catch. Inside they had been all over each other while Severus could only watch from the sidelines angrily nursing his double gin. Eventually he’d had enough, there was no point in him torturing himself. He was just going to go up to the bar and tell Sirius he was leaving. Except what happened was that one of her hands was resting on his arm and the other was on his chest, _his_ boyfriend, who’s hot come had been on his thighs this morning after they’d woken up together in the same bed as they had every goddamn day that week, and Severus had pulled him away with a snarled _get your fucking hands off my boyfriend!_

“What’s wrong. I thought this was what you wanted.” Sirius had said wryly.

“I don’t want anyone else touching you.” He snapped. What is wrong with you? He thought to himself.

“Thank God.” Sirius said. “It’s been killing me thinking of other men putting their hands on you. I think I’d fucking kill them if they did.”

And they had kissed fiercely even though it wasn’t really the kind of place you kissed other dudes at, and Sirius hadn’t even glanced back at the BBC girl which had surprised him somewhat. The way to become famous and successful was not to kiss your ugly male band manager in front of the fucking BBC. But Sirius never cared about any of that, as their relationship went on it had to be Severus who worried about all that stuff because Black sure as hell never did.

“You’re mine.” Severus told him that night. “You’re mine and you’re my boyfriend.”

* * *

“Does this mean you’re gonna stop eye fucking that boy now?” James had asked him after he had found out. He had thrust a bottle at Sirius after the show, Cheers, he had said, I knew you could do it. Fucking pussy.

“I don’t… do that do I?”

James had just laughed at him. “Hey Pete! Remember that game we used to play? The Snape’s Ass drinking game?”

“The _what_?”

“It was just like it sounds. Every time we’d see you check out Snape’s ass, we’d drink.”

“Oh my God we used to get so _drunk_.” Pete said.

“You complete bastards. I thought you were my friends. Jesus Christ don’t tell Sniv he’d slaughter you.”

“God we wouldn’t.” Pete had said.

Marlene had given them a round of applause when they had turned up at the H together for the first time. I was starting to think you kids were never gonna work it out, she said.

So as it turned out everyone had been in on it except them which was kind of dumb but not as dumb as Sirius had been when he had asked Sev if they were seeing other people. At least he had finagled his way out of that one before he’d had to go on tour. He couldn’t imagine how he’d have gone worrying about the men who were pawing over him while he was away and helpless to do anything about it. He’d never had thought he’d be one to be so jealous but the idea of anyone else touching Severus would eat him up inside. And god it had been good so far hadn’t it? He’d been frankly shocked to discover he didn’t miss the random hook ups at all, not even a single bit. Fucking Snivelly was better than any of that.

And they don’t really fight all that much anymore. Or if they do, it’s not for long. Sirius would usually push him against the nearest hard surface and fuck the angry out of him. It worked wonders.

I can’t decide which I hate more, James had said to them. You two fighting constantly or fucking on every surface of the house every time our backs are turned.

They had been home alone watching a movie under a duvet which had turned into Sirius spooning Snape with his dick inside him when James had come home. Hey, Sirius had said and James had greeted them back and started talking to them about some fascinating incident up at the shops as he hauls his shopping bags into the kitchen. He keeps shouting at them through the doorway as he puts his shopping away and Sirius sort of pushes in more and Severus smacks at him to stop.

“What are you watching anyway?” He says coming through the entrance way. Sirius tells him. “Is it any good — oh ew I just realised you two are fucking. You are aren’t you? What have we told you? Don’t fuck in here! You two are the worst. Go to your room.”

“In my defence, I didn’t know you’d be home so soon.” Sirius says.

They don’t really listen to James though. Just before he’d left on tour Severus had sucked him dry in their studio with Sirius’s bare ass perching on the edge of an amp. And dear God if there’s any sight he likes more than Snape’s cruel mouth stretched around his cock he’s yet to find it. He was just buttoning his jeans when Remus and Peter had come down to help pack, _Gross, you’ve been screwing haven’t you?_ Remy had said.

Snape doesn’t come with them this time, some prior commitment with Dumbledore that Sirius doesn’t ask about and Snape didn’t offer to tell, but he had told him no less than six times that he was not to so much as touch anyone else while he was away. I’ll know, he says. Sirius makes the mistake of asking how. I’ll just know, he says and Sirius wonders which of the road crew Severus was paying to keep an eye on him. He should probably be angry but he thinks it’s kind of cute.

They call each other constantly and it was lucky they were making a bit of money these days because their phone bill would be into quadruple digits at this rate. Their relationship, at several hundred miles apart, had never been better, they fight practically not at all, which is a first, I miss you, Sirius tells him down the line, _I do too_ is always the breathy reply. He likes getting him to admit soppy stuff like that because he knows Severus hates saying it.

“How are you going Pads?” Remus says pulling up a folding chair in their make shift bus-side patio. Remus had finally put uni on hold to concentrate on the band so he had much more free time when they were touring these days, which suited Sirius just fine.

“Terribly, Moony. Terribly.” He offers his pack of cigarettesbut Remus waves him away and produces a small metal tin. The nice thing about Remy was, he always had weed.

“You missing our esteemed manager?”

“Do you think you can die from missing someone?” Sirius asks, rather dramatically.

“Maybe.” He starts rolling a spliff, slowly and methodically. Remus’s joints were always a thing of beauty.

“Well that’s helpful.”

“Not in three weeks though Siri.”

“Oh, right. Do you think he’s gonna cheat on me?”

Remus laughs. “No, I don’t. That boy’s been obsessed with you since I’ve known him.”

“Really?”

“You didn’t know?”

“Not really. He doesn’t tell me that kind of stuff.”

“Well take it from me then.”

“I think I’m... I think I’m in so much trouble Rem. I’ve never felt like this. With anyone.”

Remus just gives him a lopsided smile and passes him the perfectly rolled joint. “Had to happen some time eh Pads?”

Sirius lights up and says, “Had to be the freak didn’t it? Had to be that little bastard. Couldn’ta been that fit Swedish bird I was seeing for awhile, remember her? The yoga instructor? She was _insanely_ hot.”

“Would you have wanted it to be?”

Sirius smiles and passes Remus the joint in his outstretched fingers. “Ha, the first time I saw him I thought... Fuck me, I could give him one and feel good about it.”

Remus laughs at him.

“What about you Rem? Don’t think I don’t notice girls checking you out. You’ve never thought about getting your own little weirdo plaything? I think they come in normal too but I’d have to check on that.”

“Who’d have me?” Remus says with a self deprecating smile.

“Christ, don’t say that. Hey remember when I came on to you that time, back in school?”

“Yeah,” Remus grins.

“God, you were so polite about rejecting me.”

“You knew about me and you wanted me anyway. I’ve always loved you for that.” Remus says.

“Just not enough to let me suck your dick.” Sirius jokes.

“God Sirius if I were into guys it would be you in a heart beat, I swear.”

“And I’ll tell what I said then, that’s absolutely crushing Rem. That’s brutal. You’re a heartbreaker.”

“Pahlease, you would have left me as soon as you laid eyes on our tiny ball of human hatred anyway.”

“That’s beside the point.” Sirius says. “Hey Rem? You know that’s not true right? Literal thousands of girls would give their right tit to fuck Remus Lupin. None of that other shit matters. Not to anyone that’s worth anything anyway. That’s worth you.”

Remus just gives him that serene, transcendal Remus Lupin smile that was probably the reason Sirius had wanted to bang him back then anyways and says, “Bloody hell, this is some good ass weed.”

.

When he arrives home finally, it’s early morning and the little bastard was in his bed, fast asleep and looking like a wet dream. He drops his bags and smiles goofily at him in a way he’d never let him catch him doing when he was awake. He had been sleeping in his bed. Wasn’t that something. I think you’re it, you little freak, he thinks, I think you’re my guy.

He was sleeping on his front with the blankets pushed off, completely naked except for a pair of white boxer briefs that were rucked up on one side exposing his perfect little ass. Goddamn I have good taste, he thinks to himself.

He sits on the bed and pulls him on to his lap, he can’t wait for him to wake, he hasn’t the patience.

“ _Sirius_.” His boy slurs sleepily in that deep purr of a voice he has.

“Hey baby.”

“Mm.” Severus says and borrows in to his neck like a puppy, his long coltish limbs thrown about him. Sirius kisses him slow and deep and it makes his head spin. The first of the morning sun is bathing the room in a warm glow and the world around them is yet quiet and still and right then he could imagine they were the only two people on earth.

“God I missed you kid.” He says and Severus makes an impatient noise and wriggles in a way that makes his cock remember that it had been pining for him for three weeks straight.

He pushes down Severus’s underwear and Severus pulls his legs through like a new born calf learning to walk and when he’s fully sheathed inside him he shudders with the intensity of it and if any moment of his life to that point had come close to a religious experience it’s right then, their sun warmed bodies joined and curled together after weeks of yearning and the soft, anguished noises that Severus makes that fill him with a such a desperate, broken certainty.

After Sirius unpacks his bags and makes them both coffee which they drink sitting on the bed, Severus wearing one of his t-shirt’s and his legs slung over Sirius’s lap while Sirius talks about the tour and runs a drowsy hand up and down his thigh.

He puts music on, something sleepy and drifty and aching, and makes love to him again, slowly and sweetly, their naked bodies stretched out and sheet-tangled as they come, together and panting into each other’s mouths.

They spend the day together, taking the tube up to NorthLondon and walking through Regents Park and when Sirius takes his hand he doesn’t pull away even though he knows Severus doesn’t like them being seen together as a couple, lest they get photographed. They find a place to eat in Camden and have a long, leisurely lunch, tucking themselves away at the back of the restaurant to avoid being noticed. They have nothing to do, nowhere to be and it’s a rare, shining perfect day, one they will in years to come look back on and smile.

“What made you play that album earlier?” Snape asks him when the food had been cleared away and they were sipping at strong, dark coffees.

“Which?” He asks, though he already knows.

“So Tonight that I Might See.”

He grins. “Mazzy.”

“Yeah.”

“Dunno. I like it. Made me think of you. Why?”

“No reason.” Snape says but he looks at him with a small half smile on his face, and an expression Sirius can’t quite fathom. When he looks away to take a sip of coffee he can see out of the corner of his eye Severus still looking at him with that dreamy, tender expression. You feel it too, don’t you? Sirius thinks. I know you do. He grins at him and kisses him quickly on the corner of his mouth.

“Get out.” Severus says. “People will see.” But their hands clasp under the table.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for covert racism and for discussions of HIV (and one person in particular being a dick about it - one guess who).

“Have you two broken up again?”

“For good this time.”

“Uh huh.”

“I mean it Lils. I’m not taking him back. I’m done with him.” He flicks through channels with the remote, not really looking.

“What is it this time?”

He shrugs. The usual. The Sun had run a picture of Sirius with that reality television cow. The one with really big boobs that had most recently been in the papers for fucking on television or something like that. Trashy slag. And by that he meant Sirius.

“This is what you told me to do.” Sirius had argued.

“It certainly isn’t.”

“Uh huh, it is and you know it. By no means can we let the press know I’m gay right? God forbid.”

“You’re not gay.”

“Well I’m not fucking straight am I?!” Sirius had yelled.

“You don’t have to fucking enjoy it so much!”

“You’re unbelievable!” Sirius had told him and Severus had told him it’s over.

“For good this time!”

“Good!” Sirius had said and stormed off.

He threw the paper at Lily.

“Oh Sev.” She says after opening it. “You know you two are going to have either come out, or you’re going to have to get used to this.”

“No we won’t because it’s over, I told you.”

She shrugs at him. “Where are you going?” He asks.

“Where did you think? It’s tonight you knob.”

“What is?”

“ _It_. The end of the world as we know it, when robots will rise up and systems will crash and prophesies will come to fruition.”

Oh Christ. He’d forgotten. Sirius (along with the rest of the world) had been talking about it non stop for months. The end of the world party, he’d been calling it.

“Hurry up then. Can’t sit here moping when the future awaits.”

“Meaningless and arbitrary western abstraction.”

“Sure is. And we’re gonna celebrate the fuck out of it.”

He’d thought about coming later, or better yet not at all, but the idea of sitting home alone by himself and single while the whole world was celebrating was too sad to contemplate, so instead he helped Lily, Pete and Lupin to hang shiny decorations and make bowls of eye wateringly strong punch to distract himself from ringing Sirius to ask where the fuck he was.

Sirius arrives later with the air of a conquering hero, Potter in tow, piled high with slab after slab of beer and cases of wine. Though Severus had never seen him do anything with any less humility. He would have been to visit his dealer on his way home too, no doubt. Severus had been with him a couple of times but usually avoided it because the idea that he could run into someone from his old life gave him the shits. The London underworld was a small place.

They ignore each other and Severus starts on the punch. It tasted like fruit and nothing else. Maybe he would get so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing and let someone feel him up. It’d serve him right. Stupid useless boyfriend. Severus had dressed carefully in his tightest pair of jeans and a fitted shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a couple of leather bracelets. He’d grown his hair out a bit and he had styled it back with some product. He wouldn’t look as good as Sirius, he never could, but he looked okay enough for someone to want to fuck.

He notices Sirius keeps stealing looks at him and he tries to throw him smouldering kind of looks back. It’s all the punch’s fault really, giving him this false sense of self confidence.

“It’s a bit much isn’t it Sniv?” Sirius says to him later after the house had started to fill and the party was underway, he looks him over with the kind of dismissive sneer only the rich really know how to pull off and Severus suddenly feels like second rate trash. He’s reminded of how intensely he used to hate Black right back when they first met. He storms off into the kitchen.

“Alright mate?” A guy who he’s never seen before asks.

“Men.” He says with a huff by way of explanation, lighting the cigarette wedged between his lips.

“We’re not all bad surely?” The guy says teasingly.

Severus purses his lips and raises his eyebrows. Well alright then. “Maybe not.”

“What’s your name?”

He toys with the idea of giving him a fake name to save the inevitable exchange that usually follows but thinks better of it. “Severus.”

“Cute.” That was new.

“It is not.”

“Well you’re cute. What kind of guy stuffs around someone as cute as you?” Jesus.

“The asshole kind.” He says and offers him a cigarette. The guy takes one then leans forward to piggyback a light from the one in Severus’s mouth.

“What the fuck is this?”

Severus straightens and rolls his eyes at Sirius’ caveman routine.

“Piss off mate.” Sirius says. “That’s my fucking boyfriend.” Which sends a hot frisson through Severus’ body even though he had wanted to keep being angry. “Sorry mate, I didn’t know.” The guy says but Severus is staring at Sirius.

“Did he touch you?” Severus shakes his head no.

“I knew there’d be guys pawing all over you tonight. Fucking look at you. They want to fuck you Severus.”

Severus just looks at him, tries to look chastised. Rather than what he was which was horny.

“You have to be careful, going around looking like that. Is that what you want? Other men fucking you?”

“Why don’t you show them who I fucking belong to then?” He hisses and Sirius pushes him against the counter with a growl and shoves his tongue in his mouth then he drags him upstairs and they have loud, punishing sex to the sound of the muffled bass that carries through the walls. You know that was that guy from that boy band right? Black tells him after. Shit, was it? He asks. Which one?

“Are you fucking kidding me with that shit Black?” Potter says to them when they sneak back downstairs. “It’s bad enough the four of us have to hear you two fucking every five minutes, you think these people came here to listen to your boyfriend orgasm?”

“Leave him alone.” Sirius pouts. “Come on baby, we don’t have to listen to this.” He says and they go into the studio that they’d turned into a dance room and after awhile the ecstasy kicks in and Lily and the rest of the boys join them and they see in the new millennium sweaty and dancing with their pupils blown wide, hugging each other and grinning like children.

Severus never really figures out why someone like Sirius would want to be with him. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe he’d be better off with someone less beautiful, someone more in his league. It would certainly be less fraught. The thing is though, the thing he doesn’t tell Sirius for fear of sounding insane, is that he thinks they were meant to be together. Despite all the bull shit. He’s convinced of it. Severus sometimes stares longingly at him while he’s sleeping, I’d die without you, he thinks to him. Of course he would never let on just how much of an intense, lovesick freak he is.

And of course they can’t be open about their relationship with the public, that would be a PR nightmare that he would have to personally manage. So instead he has to read the rumours in the society pages linking his boyfriend to various famous and beautiful women. Often he encourages them himself. Most recently a women’s mag had called him about an alleged relationship with the latest Euro model du jour. Sirius and Ms Müller wish to keep their relationship private at this stage, he tells them with eyes squeezed shut as Sirius runs his cheek along his bare cock. Mm, he growls, enveloped by wet heat and hot puffs of air on his pubic hair, they’re very happy. He clicks off and throws the phone to the side. His hands make fists in his pillow as he thrusts upwards. “Sirius remind me I’ll have to call that girl’s publicist this morning.”

Sirius removes his mouth with a crude slurping sound. “Who?” He says lazily.

“Never mind,” he breathes, “just suck me.”

Why do you even care when you’re the one I come home to? Sirius would ask him. To Sirius it was always just a game, Sev this is my new friend, he would say with a shit eating smile and his arm around some new girl’s waist. You piece of shit, Severus would tell him later when Sirius was skewering him with his cock, I’ll fucking kill you. Sirius always liked him at his at his vicious and savage worst.

Then one day they’re not just fucking around anymore. He’d given him no warning, just said it to him, straight to his face, stark and guileless, like he really meant it. Severus had to leave. What was he supposed to say to that anyway?

Of course I love you back, Severus tells him later, what the fuck do you think? And just like that he’s on his back and vulnerable, Sirius could destroy him with a single move. I love you baby, I need you, Sirius told him, if I ever stop wanting you assume I’m dead. You’re so full of shit Black, he tells him. He wasn’t that gullible.

Are You the One? reaches number 6 in the U.K charts and Sirius seemed to be number one most wanted which kept both of them busy. They’d done Top of the Pops and he’d booked Sirius a couple of chat shows, and half drunk and turning his posh arrogance up to 11 he was fucking beautiful, and compelling as he always was. There was no one more made to be a star than Sirius. Dumb and pretty the press would call him, and Sirius would laugh and only Severus would see that it was hollow. Sirius, who was one of only people he’d met who he couldn’t talk rings around, who he couldn’t confound and confuse and manipulate, who was maybe even as smart as he was, being called dumb by people Severus wouldn’t completely trust to put their shoes on the right way. Sirius, who was in a monogamous relationship with a man being called a serial womaniser and playboy. For all his bluster Severus wondered if it took a toll on someone like him who was so used to shooting from the hip. He sometimes thought of that look Sirius would get when Severus would push him away, perhaps on their way out for the night, they’d get out of the taxi and Sirius would look for all the world like he just wanted Severus to hold his hand, to shelter him from the harsh flashing lights and the people yelling his name and Severus never would, not once, no matter how much he’d wanted to.

When he gets the call that Potter’s parents had been in the accident he and Sirius hadn’t seen each other for days. Severus had broken up with him again after seeing Sirius make out with his date on TV at the BAFTA’s, another up and coming pop star, like Sirius, she had been beautiful and ballsy and perfect for him, which was why Severus had set it up to begin with and probably why the press had started calling them the new Kurt and Courtney, which for some reason really pissed him off. This is what you told me to do, Sirius had argued even though Severus had thought it was quite obvious this had not been what he had intended.

He had rung off the call with Lily and he’d been at Sirius’ side within minutes. He’d just held him as he fell apart in the hospital waiting room while James and Lily had spoken with the doctors and said their last goodbyes. Severus had vowed quietly to himself that he’d never play those stupid games with him again. He had needed him and he hadn’t been there.

Sirius had left to spend some final moments with the Potter’s and Lily had gripped the edges of the plastic seat and looked straight ahead and said, I’m pregnant. And Severus had said it’ll be alright, you’ll see, with her head on his shoulder and just for a moment he’d had such a strong feeling that it wouldn’t be.

* * *

The funeral had been awful. Jamie had been white and bewildered, going through the motions with a terrible hollow gaze and too far away for Sirius to reach him. Sirius hadn’t lost anyone close to him before and had been unprepared for just how helpless and horrible the whole thing would be. Severus had been with him throughout like a rock, it had made him realise how much he needed him, how much he took him for granted. How much he assumed he’d always be there when he was done with partying, done with being Sirius Black, rock star and man about town, and ready to come back home and just be Sirius, the boy who loved his boyfriend, and playing music, in that order. James had told him that before, _You’ll lose that boy if you’re not careful Black_. He tells himself that he will try harder, stop being such a stupid fuck boy and to hell with what the press printed about him. More than ever, this straight acting bullshit seemed like a stupid waste of time. Not that Severus would agree with him on that.

Of course James was now a very rich man; heir to the Potter tech fortune and a controlling share in a company he had absolutely no interest in. Jamie had never wanted to follow in his parents footsteps and it had never been expected that he would. The Potter’s had always encouraged James’ music interests the whole time Sirius had known them and had never once pressured him into going into the family business. It had been such a revelation to him when he had first met them, that parents could be so supportive and caring, when his had been so cold and rigid and unloving. Why it was the Potter’s who were taken out of everyone defied all reason. It had to be the clearest evidence of the absence of a benevolent God that he could think of. And if he had thought that perhaps his own mother and father would have contacted him after the news, well, he had known better than to expect anything from them hadn’t he? That was the definition of insanity.

Lily’s pregnant, James had told him, I’m going to be a father. And Sirius had seen the fierce pride in his eyes as he said it, even through his grief and Sirius had smiled widely and hugged him, that’s amazing, he had said genuinely.

“I wish we could have told mum.” James says. “She would have been so happy.”

“She knows,” Sirius says. “She’s so proud of you, you know that right?”

James gives him a tight lipped smile.

“Seriously that kid is gonna be so spoilt, look how many uncles it’s got, that’s one lucky kid I reckon.” He says because he knows the kid’s gonna be born without grandparents or even much family to speak of, Lily didn’t have a dad and her mum died before they knew her and now James had no family left except for them.

“It’ll be alright babe,” he says. “I promise.”

.

Sirius throws the magazine angrily in Severus’s direction as he walks into the bedroom.

“Nice to see you too, boyfriend.” Severus picks up the magazine. “Is this..? Oh what did they say? Not good?”

“You could say that, yeah.”

Severus sits on the bed and flicks through. “Well at least you look good.” Sirius sniffs.

“‘Spoilt rich uber brat, Sirius Black’ - well, they’ve got a point.”

“Piss off.”

“...’Arrogant and high.’ I mean, were you high?”

“A bit, but that’s not the point. I was charming! And funny. Not my fault if the guy had the sense of humour of a wet sponge.”

“‘Handsome yet facile, it remains to be seen whether The Marauders are relegated to the one hit wonder pile.’ Jesus, what did you do to this guy Sirius?”

“I gave that wanker literally hours of my time and this is what I get? Fucking bullshit. You know the word facile do you mate? Congratulations you fucking genius.”

“So? They’ll never get anything from us again. We’ll blacklist them.”

“R- really?”

“Why not? I’ll make a call. I’ll get that limp dick fucko fired.”

“Can you do that?”

“I dunno. Probably. You know what I’m like. Plus I’m the only one that gets to say that sort of shit about you.”

“You turn me on when you get like this, do you know that?” Sirius says. He’s sort of hard from it.

Severus cocks his head and motions for Sirius to take his clothes off. Jesus Christ, we’ve created a monster, Sirius thinks. He starts taking off the tie and suit jacket that he’d recently started wearing, which now consumed a good portion of Sirius’s mental space. If Severus had even half an idea of how bloody good he looked, he would never stop torturing Sirius with it. Maybe it was a good thing that he never bloody believed him when he told him.

“And,” Severus says, crawling over him and kissing his neck, “when the new album comes out we’ll blow them all away.”

Sirius breathes out through his lips and tips his head back. “You think it’ll be that good?”

“Oh yes.” Severus says.

.

“Don’t tell Lily.” James is saying. The baby was due soon and they were all sitting in the lounge with the Daily Mail between them.

James and Lily were married on a cool late summer’s day in August. Lily had looked beautiful and glowing in her simple white satin shift dress and swollen with child and Severus had walked her down the isle, then they had all gone back to the Hog and Dumbledore had thrown them the mother of all receptions. Sirius had done a literal bucket load of coke and made a rambling, semi coherent speech but everyone had laughed at his jokes anyway so he had figured all in all it hadn’t gone too badly.

She’s fucking marrying him, Severus had said, disgusted, after James had asked her. Sirius had laughed at him, What? You still wish it were you Sniv? You wish I hadn’t turned you gay?

“I regret everyday telling you that.” Severus had said which was fair because Sirius rubbed it in every chance he got.

“Is it really that bad?” Peter says.

“Yes you fucking knob end.”

“Sev!”

“This is bullshit. Can’t we do something Sev? Can you get someone fired again?”

“I can’t really do that this time babe.” Severus says quietly.

 _Controversial_ _couple Potter and Evans’ shot gun wedding!_ Had been the headline.

What the fuck is so controversial about you? You’re the most boring people I know. Sirius had said and James and Severus had just given him a look, like he was an idiot. Oh, he said. Oh _really_? Should they be saying that?

Obviously not, Severus had said.

Besides talking about the wedding and the impending baby in the usual gleeful sneering tone, The Mail had reported on what seemed to be nothing but racist online trolls that deserved no acknowledgement whatsoever and had printed smug vox pops dripping with barley concealed prejudice.

 _She’s clearly a gold digger._ Martha, 36, Surrey.

 _I have no problem personally with the two of them but I just pity that poor child_. Jan, 49, Kensington.

“You’ll have to tell her Potter.” Severus says. James had at first been angry but now he just looked a bit stunned. He nodded resignedly.

“The worst part is she won’t be surprised. She tried to tell me this would happen and I told her she had nothing to worry about. I’m an idiot.”

“Christ imagine what they’re gonna think when they find out I’m banging a dude.” Sirius says and he’d meant it to lighten the mood but everyone just frowns and looks worried.

“Well, quite.” Says Severus.

Remus who’d been very quiet, suddenly gets up out of his chair and walks out of the room.

Sirius and James look at each other with what he assumes are matching looks on their faces. “I’ll talk to him.” James says.

Severus just narrows his eyes and gives him one of his shrewd, calculating looks. “What was that? Sirius? What was that?”

“Would be worse for him eh Siri?”

“Shut the fuck up Pete.” If it had been anyone else Sirius might have thought that comment was calculated. But of course it wasn’t. Pete was just a fucking idiot.

“Worse how? What don’t I know?”

“Drop it Sev.” Sirius says.

Severus works on him. Fucking little bastard.

“It’s nothing Sniv.” He tells him. “It’s not even a big deal. It’s just none of your business.” He should have known better. Severus loved things that were none of his business.

And now they were living together so there was no getting away from him. James and Lily had bought their own place, a townhouse in a decent part of town, where they had good schools and no one pissing on the street at four in the morning. They hadn’t really planned it but Sev had to move out of his place and he just hadn’t really bothered to find somewhere else. The boys had kicked them downstairs into James’ old room immediately, (even though Sirius had liked his smaller but sun filled old room better), citing trauma from months of listening to he and Severus fuck.

“I’ll ask him myself.” Severus says finally, his voice calculated and even. “I’ll do it.”

“Don’t do that.” Why did he have to be in love with such an evil little prick?

Severus just raises his eyebrows tauntingly.

“Fuck sake Sev. He’s HIV positive alright? You happy? He’s had it since he was like 12. Blood transfusion. It’s not a big fucking deal.”

Severus’s widens his eyes at him. “Not a big deal?” He says incredulously.

“No it’s not. He takes stuff for it. It’s cool. He just doesn’t want everyone to know so don’t be an asshole about it.”

“Have you ever slept with him?” Severus asks him later.

“Severus please don’t say something that’s gonna make me hate you.”

“I deserve to know.”

“You bastard. It doesn’t work like that. No I haven’t you prick.” He doesn’t say not for trying because he can’t be bothered dealing with that too.

“What did you say to him?” Remus asks him later with a cold calmness.

He gives a start. “What?”

“Severus. What did you say to him?”

“That little fucking prick. He’s dead. What’s he said?”

“Not so much what he’s said is it?”

“Fuck Rem, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. He just, well Pete said something and-“

“Pete? Really Siri? Can you hear yourself?”

“Yeah fuck, it’s my fault. I’m sorry. Let me deal with him.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ve done enough.”

“I’ll kill him.” Sirius says to himself after Remus walked out.

A few weeks later Remus comes up to him. He hadn’t really been talking to him much lately. “Hey.” He says. “We’re cool. Snape and me. It’s cool now. So you can stop punishing him or whatever you’ve been doing to him.”

Sirius had given a small smile to himself. Ha. It appeared as if he could modify Severus’ terrible behaviour after all. This was an excellent development.

* * *

Can you stop acting so fucking weird around me? Lupin had snapped at him and he had stopped and thought about it. Of the four of them Lupin had been sort of the only one that liked him, and he was including Black in that. Now he had lost the only possible ally he had against Black and Potter. Maybe he should try to fix it.

That and Black was refusing to have sex with him. He wouldn’t touch him at all. He wasn’t to be budged. Wouldn’t even let Severus blow him. And he had _begged_. He’d never begged before.

So he had finally caved and gone to the library.

“Lupin.”

“What?”

“Can we talk?”

“Why?”

“Fuck sake. Stop being such a little baby and just listen.” He said cornering him in the kitchen.

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked like he was trying not to smile.

Severus sat at the table and motioned for him to join him.

“I’ve threatened people, for money, for other things too, more times than I can count. I’m a thug and a criminal. I’ve seen people being tortured, being killed in front of me and I’ve done nothing. A few times I held them down. One time I put a guy in hospital. They weren’t sure if he was gonna live. If it wasn’t for Dumbledore I’d for sure have killed people by now. My dad’s a drunk, we were dirt poor and he hit us. That’s how I learnt to fight actually. So. There. I know the worst about you and you know the worst about me. I think you’ll agree mine’s much worse.”

Lupin’s expression is hard to read but he thinks he looks almost _affectionate_.

“You can’t catch it by touching, or kissing. You won’t even catch it by fucking unless you’re careless. Are you taking antiretrovirals?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know your viral load?”

“Yes.”

“They’re developing better drugs all the time. Soon you’ll probably only have to take one pill a day.”

“I’m thinking of quitting the band.”

“You can’t do that, they’ll be fucked without you. Look, Black’s a knob but he’s right. They’ll find out about us soon. That should distract them for awhile.”

“Look, Severus-“

“No. You’re not quitting. We’ll deal with it if it becomes an issue Lupin.” He thinks for a minute. “Also, Jesus Christ, find someone to sleep with you, I’m sick of watching you mope around like a wet fucking blanket. If I can find someone to fuck me, you can. Look at you, it’s a fucking waste. There’s literally no reason for you not to.”

That night Black says to him, “What did you say to Remus?”

“Nothing.” Severus says, trying to look mysterious and sexy.

“That right?”

“Mm.”

And they had stared at each other for a minute then had jumped each other.

“You’re such a good boy.” Sirius told him. “Such a good boy for me.”

“Fuck me Sirius.” Severus said, even though he’d never been fond of speaking in redundancies. “Sirius, fuck me.”

“I’ll never stop fucking you baby. Never ever.”

And afterwards Sirius had said, Whoops, is there anyone home? We were probably a bit loud.

How should I know, he’d said. You can have me again in a few minutes.

“I like how you say that like a command.”

“It is a command.”

“Jesus. I’m obsessed with you.”

.

Lily gave birth to a little boy soon after on a drizzly Saturday morning and the next day the four of them had piled into a taxi and driven to Queen Charlotte’s.

Black held that baby in his arms and looked at it like it was a tiny miracle while they’d all looked on.

“What’s his name?” He says, not taking his eyes off him.

“Harry.” Lily tells them. “Harry James Potter.”

“Harry.” Sirius said with wonder. Severus felt a fluttery feeling in his chest despite himself. For a second he thinks of Sirius holding their own child in his arms and he wonders if that could be a thing they could do one day. Then he shakes himself mentally. You really are so far gone you’re not even on this fucking planet anymore aren’t you, he chides himself.

“Good job Evans.” He says. “He has your eyes.”

“You two look adorable with him.”

“Don’t get any ideas,” Severus said, though he let the thing grab his finger with its little hand and when Black met his eyes he conceded a small fond smile. When James asked Sirius to be Godfather there had been tears in Sirius’s eyes. Severus shook his head, what was he doing with this sentimental fool?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised this chapter is all Sirius. The next one will be all Severus.  
> This chapter is the shortest so far but lots happens in the next one I promise, and we get to meet Regulus <3

“Cate Müller and Ella Frost’s publicists have rung to set up dates to the Brits.” Severus says to him, putting a tie on in the mirror. “Who should I say yes to?”

Sirius lights a cigarette in bed even though Severus had repeatedly told him not to. Severus scowls at him and pushes open a window. “Neither.” Sirius says.

“Oh? Do you have someone else?”

“No. I’m not doing that anymore.”

“Doing what anymore? Awards shows? I’ll remind you this is the first that we’ve actually been nominated in.”

“Not that. The dates.”

“Well it’s not like you can go with me.”

“Why not?”

“Sirius.” He warns.

“You’ll be going anyway.”

“I’ll be going as your _manager_. Though I’ll concede you can drop the girl. I don’t see what harm it will do.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and tries not to be too annoyed. It was a start. Severus was never going to agree with coming out right now anyway, what with their second studio album doing so well and even picking up a nom for Album of the Year. His boyfriend was now too busy for all that anyway, he’d picked up two more bands which he now managed along side them, and now that The Marauders were doing alright he was making a name for himself. Though that Severus excelled at this Sirius should have expected. He’d still kept his poky little office at the Hog, no matter how much Sirius had tried to get him to find somewhere better. He suspected it was because he still did things for Dumbledore on occasion, Severus liked being Dumbledore’s man, liked having fingers in all the pies.

“We should get our own place.” He tries.

“Who? Me and you?”

“No. Me and Pete. Of course me and you.”

Severus just gives him a withering look. “I’m off. I’ll be back tonight. I’ve told Potter you’ll be wanting to practice _Last Night_ later. He’ll be over at two.”

He throws his suit jacket over his shoulder and sweeps out of the room. “Love you.” Sirius mumbles to the empty doorway.

“Lay off the blow tonight will you Sirius?” Severus says, cornering him in the hotel bathroom while they were getting ready. The other two boys each had their own rooms down the hall, while he and Sev were sharing the suite. James and Lily had come round early, leaving Harry at home with the nanny, and they’d had a stylist there earlier which they all still found novel and slightly ridiculous.

To Severus’s credit he hadn’t bought up Sirius bringing a date again and Sirius was going to the awards stag, though he didn’t think it technically counted as stag if your boyfriend was there with you.

Sirius rolls his eyes. Piss off, he thinks and turns to leave. There was actually some in his suit jacket pocket calling his name. Severus would know that of course.

“Hey.” Severus ejects, his voice low and imploring. “At least just wait till after your set?” Sirius gives a vague conceding gesture.

“How’s my little mate?” He asks James and Lily cracking open a fresh beer. He joins them all around the small table.

“Growing fast.” Says James. “Crawling everywhere, getting into everything.”

James had to be the proudest father on the face of the planet, he thought the sun shone out of that boy’s ass. To be fair, they all did.

“That’s my boy.” Sirius says. “Why don’t you drop him round next week? You two can go out, or better yet, stay in.” He gives him a wink.

James grins. “We might take you up on that mate. How’s Wednesday?”

“Babe, how’s Wednesday?” He calls to Severus. He would have no idea; Severus took care of his schedule.

“Wednesday’s no good.”

“Wednesday’s no good.”

“Thursday?”

“Babe, Thursday?”

“You’re free all day.” Severus’s calls back and returns to his phone call. Severus seemed to have a photographic memory for all that stuff and he’d never seen him get it wrong once.

“It’s sorted then.” He says. “What do you reckon fellas. We gonna blow their tiny minds tonight or what?”

Sirius did stay sober for their set, as promised. Thanks to James they were well prepared as always, no one could ever fault them there. James still made them practice almost till their fingers bled and were about 10 minutes away from bludgeoning him with their respective instruments. They’d all smashed it out, as loud and aggressive as they could make it without blowing anything and Sirius did his arrogant show off thing. If nothing else they’d remember them. They’d been told to play their latest single _Last Night_ which had been charting pretty decently, and at the end of the song they’d received loud, rapturous applause.

After Sirius has a celebratory line in the loos before heading back to his seat. By the time their name gets called in their category he’d had a couple more and had a nice buzz on. Could anyone blame him? These things were a fucking bore. And shit, it’s not like he was the only one doing it. He had met an older, very well known TV presenter in the loos and given him some of his blow in one of the stalls and let him flirt and stare at him longingly before he went back to his wife. He felt like he was doing a public service.

When ‘The Marauders’ is said following ‘and the winner is’ Sirius was high enough to react with an egotistical superiority that the others would probably have had him up about if they weren’t all too busy being too surprised and humble to notice. He looks to Severus and they grin at each other and then to his surprise Severus reaches out and grabs him into a hug and he can’t help thinking this is his prize, right here. On stage James does the talking of course, he’s good at that stuff and Sirius is too fucking high anyway. Except that, when he’s done, Sirius holds up his award and leans into the mic and says; _This is for you baby, I love you._

Shit. He thinks, as they’re shepherded out back. He’s gonna kill me.

He needn’t have worried. The more he and Severus left little crumbs for people to follow, the more resolutely they were ignored. Who’s the lucky girl then? He’s asked. So he’d stopped bothering being seen with the girls as a cover (mostly, wasn’t his fault if they came to him was it?), stopped worrying about getting papped with Severus by his side, talked about Severus in interviews and still, he’d be referred to as his ‘friend and manager.’ Still Sirius would get called serial ladies man Sirius Black, heartbreaker Sirius Black.

It’s not that they don’t notice Sirius, Severus told him, it’s just that that’s not the type of thing you print. You’re their heterosexual wish fulfilment, that’s your job.

What if I don’t want to be, he says.

It doesn’t matter what you want. Severus tells him.

And he was right, everyone bloody knew. The paparazzi were a scourge but a couple of them were ok, the ones who’d been with him from the beginning. Where’s Severus? They’d ask if he wasn’t with him. Though they’d rarely snap their picture together, it just wouldn’t sell.

The thing was, he’d seen how Severus had looked at him after Sirius had told him he loved him in front of all the world and their mothers. It had reminded him of how he’d used to catch Severus looking at him back when they had first started, like Sirius was the best thing he’d ever seen. He hardly ever saw that look these days. It was nice.

.

Sometimes Sirius would hang out with Lily and Harry, even when James wasn’t there, and they would chat while Harry toddled around tentatively and babbled incomprehensibly at them. He liked spending time with them, watching them together. She was such a warm and invested mum, he’d never seen that before. It was nice to watch. And Harry for some reason, thought he was great. Your best friend’s here! Lily would say to him when Sirius would arrive.

“Album’s been charting in the U.S.” Sirius offers while Lily makes them tea. Harry was sleeping in the other room and they had some time to themselves to talk.

“So I hear. James is over the moon.”

“Severus has been talking about a tour.”

“Him and James have been planning together non stop. It’s almost like they actually like each other.”

“I’m glad he likes someone.”

“Oh Sirius.”

“He doesn’t want to come. Says he’s too busy.”

“It won’t be for long.”

“Two months he reckons. Will you come?”

“Probably. Not for the whole time but for some of it.”

“I think he’s gone off me.”

She laughs at him. “Fucking laughing!” He says.

“Sorry babe I don’t mean to, it’s just. You don’t see how he looks at you do you. I mean you mustn’t do or you wouldn’t be saying that. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before, in the 15 odd years I’ve known him.”

“Except you.” Sirius says. “God I used to be so jealous of you.”

“Not even me.” She says. “Oh my god I’d almost forgotten what you two were like. You were both so _pathetic_.”

He grins. “You knew the whole time didn’t you.”

“I suspected.” He looks at her. “Yeah ok, I knew. You were so obvious Siri! You would ask me where he was with this little wounded look on your face. You need to learn to be more subtle!”

“Like Severus.” He says.

“Oh Christ no, I change my mind. You’re good for him, you know that don’t you?”

“We bring out the worst in each other.”

“You let each other be yourselves. There’s a difference.”

“God. When did you become my fucking therapist?”

She laughs. “Probably when I started hanging out at home all day with no job and only a toddler to talk to.”

He grins. “How’s James?” He asks.

“He’s okay. Getting there. It’s good for him to be busy right now. Dumbledore and Sev have been helping him sort out the business stuff, but you probably know that.”

He nods. He did know, James hated all that guff, he would have wanted to pretend it just didn’t exist. And Severus pretended that helping him was a chore but really he’d loved it. “And you?”

She smiles. “I’m good. Going back to school when Harry turns one, did I tell you that? I only had six months to go. People seem to be getting over us online which is a relief, and we don’t get papped so often anymore. The money’s weird, I catch myself thinking it would be better if we just didn’t have it, which is the stupidest, most ungrateful goddamn thing anyone’s ever thought.”

“Not stupid.” He says. “Believe me, I get it.”

“I was a poor black girl with a single mum from the ass end of nowhere and now I have a rich and famous white husband. We’re not supposed to do that. People take offence to that. So yeah, if we were still poor, that would make things easier.”

“Fuck them.” Sirius says.

“I’ve been learning to ignore it, you have to I suppose. It’s not really real is it?”

“No it’s not, it’s unnatural. You’re not supposed to hear what people think of you constantly splashed across your morning paper. You could go mad listening to that.” Sirius says. “I want us to come out. I must be masochistic but hate all this pretending. Sev keeps saying it’s not the right time.”

“He’ll come around.”

“I suppose. Hey have you met Remy’s new girlfriend?”

“I have! I like her.”

“Yeah she’s cool. Not that we ever see them. He’s balls deep in that new relationship sex bubble, I only ever see them when they emerge from their room to grab food before they scurry back to bed.”

“Aw I miss those days.”

“Same.”

“Don’t miss listening to you two going at it like rabbits all hours of the day and night though.” She teases.

“Fucking and fighting. That’s all I remember doing for like a good year. Hey we think Petey’s got a girlfriend too. He’s never home, out all night and he never tells us who with.”

“Oh, good on him. I hope so.”

“Me too.”

They hear Harry start to cry and Sirius jumps up. “Let me get him?” He says. He stays and plays with Harry until he has to leave to go get done up for a photo shoot for some men’s health magazine that Sirius thought was a thin excuse for borderline pornography. He didn’t mind though, he liked being photographed.

“Hey.” Lily tells him before he leaves. “Don’t worry about Sev. He just needs to have something to be occupied with. When he finds something he likes he obsesses about it constantly until it takes over his life. Sort of like how he was with you.”

He smiles weakly, he can’t help wishing he was still the thing Sev was obsessed with.

Severus keeps to his word and doesn’t join them on the U.S tour. Sirius keeps badgering him, why don’t you fly out for a long weekend? You could do that at least right? I will if I get time, Severus promises, though Sirius can’t help but think he has no actual intention to.

They leave things badly. Severus is not even there when they leave and they’d been fighting, they hadn’t seen each other properly for a few days and hadn’t had sex in weeks. Sirius thinks it’s a bad sign. They used to have sex everyday regardless of how angry they were with each other.

They talk on the phone but they fight. He thinks of that tour they did back when Sev and he were just starting out, those long, pining phone calls they would have, full of whispered I miss you’s and so many things unsaid.

“Sirius what the fuck am I looking at here.”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“What the hell were you wearing the other night?”

“Oh.” Sirius messily pours himself a glass of whiskey and sits down on the hotel room couch taking the mobile phone with him. “A skirt.” During the last show he’d been wearing a black mini skirt with converse hi tops and nothing else. Yeah he supposed it had been provocative but he’d done much worse over the years.

“I thought you’d think I looked sexy.” He said hopefully.

“You looked like a tart.”

“Fuck you Severus.” He spits. “Tell me if I were straight this would even be a problem.” He adds.

“It wouldn’t be.”

“It was fucking LA Severus not the Deep South, I’m hardly going to get killed for it.”

He can hear Severus take a breath in on the other end. He doesn’t say anything for several seconds. “I’m not there Sirius,” he says in a tight voice, “I can’t...”

“Well who’s fault is that?”

“You seem to be doing alright without me.”

“Do I?”

“I saw you with that _woman_.” He spits.

“You’re going to have to narrow it down, you know half of all people are women right?” He says but he knows which one. Everyone did. It had been splashed over all the papers.

Severus doesn’t say anything and Sirius softens.

“You know it’s not real right babe? None of it. It’s just what they print to sell magazines.”

“Her mouth on your throat looked pretty real. You looked like you were enjoying it. That was real.”

“I swear it was nothing. Babe, come on.”

“ _Sirius_.” He chokes. “If you cheated on me I would die. I would fucking die.”

Sirius’s face crumples. “I wouldn’t. Baby. Please believe me. I’ve never even wanted to.”

“How am I supposed to believe that?”

“This isn’t going to work if you don’t trust me Severus.” He says with undisguised exasperation.

“ _Yeah give me two minutes_.” Severus’ muffled voice says.“Look I’ve got to go.” He says with the phone back to his mouth.

Sirius throws back a large mouthful of whiskey then gets up to pour more in to his glass. Bye, they’d said tersely to each other and Sirius had opened his mouth to say I love you but Severus had already ended the call.

He looks at his phone. He doesn’t really want to be alone right now.

“Oh darlin’ I’m so glad you called.”

“Me too.” He smiles, passing her a Jameson’s and coke, the only thing he had to offer besides the terrible American beer in the minibar.

They sit on the couch and rest their drinks on the coffee table and she pulls a pre rolled joint from her bag and gestures with it.

“You’re a life saver.” He says, hand on heart.

“I’m sorry about the photos.” Rosie says. “If I had known it was gonna be like this. Well I would have probably done the exact same thing. I was drunk.”

“Oh god, don’t be sorry. I’ve dealt with much worse.”

“So I hear.” She says wryly, taking a sip of her whiskey.

Rosie B had been introduced to them by their publicist, (which incidentally Severus had hired for them, saying he was fucking sick of doing the job) she was the lead of an art punk trio that were currently the darlings of the US alt music scene and much better known than Sirius, at least outside of Britain. She had ended up doing a couple of duets with Sirius at their first LA show and after she and Sirius had hit it off. “What’s the B stand for then?” He had asked her cheekily. “Guess.” She had said with a wink and that had been it. She had platinum blonde hair and long fake lashes and wore brightly coloured suits and Sirius had been immediately taken with her.

Sirius takes the joint from her outstretched fingers. “To be perfectly honest, and this is not your fault, but I’m a little bit in trouble.” He gives a grimace.

“The other half?”

“Mm.” He said. He’d mentioned he was in a long term relationship last night, in passing, just in case she’d had any ideas that Sirius couldn’t follow through with, it sounded desperately up himself but he’d learnt that it saved so much trouble down the track so he usually took the time to do it. “But what’s new.”

“She a jealous one?”

“Actually, what I didn’t tell you last night was, she’s a he.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Ohh.”

“Yeah. And yes. _He_ is jealous. Immensely.”

“Well it seems like he doesn’t have anything to worry about. You mentioned him so quickly after meeting me it made my head spin.”

“Oh Christ. Sorry about that, presumptuous wanker I am.”

“No, look at you baby, of course you’d need to. Looks like I would have been way off base anyway.” She says.

“You wouldn’t.” Sirius tells her. “I like girls. I _love_ girls. I just happen to love guys too.”

She nods. “Not so easy though huh.”

“Oh no.”

“What’s he like?” She asks, tapping her ash into the dirty ashtray full of Sirius’s discarded butts. “Tell me about him.”

Sirius smiles. Severus was his favourite topic. Not that he’d tell him that. “He’s a little bastard. He’s scrappy. He can kick my ass. He’s smart as anything and sexy as all hell - though I suppose not obviously so - he’s got the smartest mouth of anyone you’ve ever met... and I’m obsessed with him.”

She grins. “He sounds perfect. He sounds like my ex girlfriend actually.”

He widens his eyes. “Bloody hell. We are so much alike. We would have been terrible together.”

She laughs. “Oh lord, that’s true ain’t it?”

He fishes out a photo of the two of them that he keeps in his wallet, him smiling at the camera and Severus looking at him with that secretive look of his. “This is him. Severus. Best mistake I made in my life.” He’s vaguely aware that he has a cute girl in his room and he’s showing her pictures of his boyfriend like a little twerp.

“Aw you two are adorable.”

“We’re not but thank you for saying.”

His phone rings and when he sees who it is he snatches it. _Sorry_ , he says to Rosie.

“Severus.” He slides open the glass door and goes out to the balcony.

“I love you.” Comes his silky deep voice over the line. “I think I forgot to say that.”

“I love you too. So much.”

“God I wish I was there with you. You know that right? It kills me to be apart from you.”

“I wish you were too.” He says softly.

“Sirius I need you to know that all of this I’m doing for you. Every single thing. I think I just forgot you’re my first priority, I should have come with you.”

“It’s ok. I just needed to hear you say it. That was all.”

“Have you been sleeping okay?”

“Some.” He says.

“Make sure you’re eating properly won’t you. And get enough rest. Don’t let Potter work you too hard. Tell him I said so.”

Sirius laughs. “Okay baby.”

“I wish I could see you. I miss your body.”

“That right?” Sirius growls.

“I just realised we haven’t fucked in—”

“Almost two months.” Sirius supplies.

“Why don’t you get naked for me?”

Sirius pauses a beat too long.

“What? Is there someone there?” Always the suspicious little fucker.

Sirius pauses again. He looks inside and sees Rosie, standing flicking through the programmed music on the hotel’s TV, fresh drink in hand. “No.”

“Who is it?”

Pause. “No one.”

“It’s her isn’t it?” Fuck. There really was no point in denying it. Severus just fucking knew these things. He was constantly vigilant and always suspicious and hardly ever fucking wrong. Bastard.

“Severus don’t—” He starts to say but he’s cut short by a beep that told him Severus had ended the call. He tries to call back but it just rings out.

For fuck’s sake. And they had come so close to making up too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders song Last Night that they play at the Brits is a nod to The Strokes' first single Last Nite. It made me happy anyway.  
> I just couldn't get the idea of Sirius wearing a skirt out of my head so I wrote it in, hope you enjoyed that image as much as I did ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Sirius arrives home on a cold and wet morning in November. Severus sits on the edge of their bed in tracksuit pants and eyes him anxiously as he walks in and dumps his bags. He looked tired, thinner than usual, dark bags under his eyes; still gorgeous. Severus heart gives a pang. It still killed him every time he saw him, all these years later.

They look at each other. It had been months since they’d had a nice word to say to each other. It was hard to know what to say now.

“You seemed like you enjoyed yourself.” Uhh, not that. That wasn’t it.

Sirius just gives a small disgusted head shake.

“Shit. I mean, I missed you. That’s what I wanted to say. I missed you.”

Sirius’s softens in an instant. He never could stay angry for long. Not like him.

“I forgot how little you are.” Sirius says. “Your voice is so big.”

Severus colours. Their size difference was a turn on for both of them.

“C’mere.” Sirius growls at him. “Silly bugger.” So he does and Sirius grabs him around his naked torso. “You’re wearing my pants.”

“I told you, I missed you.”

“Let’s never do that again.”

“God no. I need to get us our own place.” Severus says. “You were right about that.”

“Yes please.” He puts his hands down his pants. “Babe I don’t even care who’s home, I’m gonna fuck you till you scream.”

“You always do.” Severus murmurs.

“Mm. I love that about you. It’s been awhile.”

“I’ve been so desperate I’ve been jacking off to your pap photos. I felt so pathetic.” He admitted.

“ _Yes_. I wish I could have watched you.”

“You do realise that if—”

“Yeah yeah. I know. Still want to see that though.”

They’d started rubbing against each other in little circles and Severus was a bit out of breath and most of the way hard. “You're so narcissistic.”

“I know.”

“I want you to sit on me and ride me.” Sirius tells him.

“Whatever you like.”

“That’s what I’d like.” He picks him up and throws him on the bed. His pants are dispensed with and Sirius pulls his boots off and shucks out of his jeans and jumper. Sirius grabs the lube from the bedside and once he’s slicked up Severus climbs on.

 _Ugh_ , Severus says and grabs on around his neck.

“Tell me that feels good.” Sirius says. “Tell me you like my cock in you.”

“I love it.” Severus moans. “Big fat cock. Fucking me. So good.”

“Fuck. I love how slutty you are.”

“Just for you.”

“Yes.” Sirius says. “It’s the best.”

Sirius grabs him and tips them over, pins his back to the bed.

“Here it is.” Sirius says as he fucks him. “Here’s my hard dick for you.” And Severus plants his hands against the wall and pushes back as he’s fucked so hard he cries out.

He’s being loud, so loud but he can’t help it, doesn’t want to, cock, he chants, cock Sirius your cock, fuck me fuck me with it, uh _Sirius_.

“Come for me, wanna watch you come, fuck come baby come come come, come on baby.” And he can tell Sirius is far gone too because he’s urging him to come like he does, it usually works.

Severus throws his head back with a cry.

“That’s it. You’re so close. I can tell. Just a bit more.” He gives a sharp thrust right _there_ then Severus is coming with a throaty groan and he feels his warm spunk land with a splash on his chest and torso. Sirius pushes his legs back so he’s almost in two and shoves his cock into him over and over till he collapses on him with a shout.

Sirius just stays in him after and borrows into his neck. “Fucking hell. That was worth the wait.” He says.

“How could I want anyone else.” Sirius asks him. “After fucking you. You’re crazy if you think I want to fuck anyone but you.”

“God I’m sorry. I trust you, I do. I just love you so much, it makes me crazy. I’m sorry I put you through so much shit.”

“Baby I’ll put up with your shit if you put up with mine.”

While Sirius is in the shower, Severus chucks on Black’s tracksuit pants and a woollen jumper and goes into the kitchen to make coffee and see if he can scrounge up some food. Lupin is sipping at a mug at the table and gives him a deathly scowl.

“Hey.” He mumbles, filling up the kettle with water.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Lupin says.

He winces at him. “Ah yeah sorry.”

Lupin shakes his head. “You know it’s not just you two living here right?”

“Yeah, sorry, we were just ah, making up.”

“Unbelievable.”

Severus scoops coffee and sugar into two mugs and waits for the water to boil. He opens some cupboards and peers in, slamming them shut again after he finds nothing but a mostly empty bag of dried pasta and a jar of mixed herbs that’s missing its lid.

“Is Pete here?” He asks.

“I think he’s gone out again. As usual.”

“Where do you think he goes?”

Lupin shrugs. “Girlfriend?”

“Must be. Hey was he... alright?” He nods in the direction of Black in the shower.

Lupin shrugs again.

“Just blow, or...?”

“You know what he’s like. Doesn’t have an off switch.”

“He took some with him on the plane over. I’m almost certain.”

Lupin makes a pained expression. “ _Ah_ _Sirius_.” He says.

Severus shakes himself. “It’s fine right?”

“Yeah.” Lupin says. “Yeah.”

When the water’s boiled, he adds milk and water and grabs the finished coffees.

“Look, I think we’re gonna... make up again in a minute so do you think you can...?”

Lupin’s eyes bore holes in him but he rolls his eyes and nods. “I’m off to Julia’s anyway.”

“I owe you.”

“Yep. You do.”

Severus gives his best approximation of a contrite look and turns to leave.

“Severus you two really need to—”

“Yep!” He calls behind him. “I’m on it!”

He lets Black work his tongue into him while he’s stretched out on his stomach hands twisting in blankets, Black takes his time, opens him up slowly until Severus is squirming and Sirius’s mouth becomes rough and insistent and he can feel the light scrape of his teeth. Sirius’s mouth is hot and sloppy and wet and he’s moaning softly against him and eventually Severus can feel his hot breath quicken as he sucks air in and out through his nose with the telltale movements of Sirius tugging at his own cock. Sirius comes gasping with his face in Sirius’s arse then reaches around and brings Severus with him, his tongue pushing into him hard and his chin rough and scratching.

After, he listens to him play for him on the blue PRS that Severus had bought him not long after they’d started going out that had cost him, at the time, practically all the money he’d had. Severus lies on the bed and smokes lying on his side looking up at him, his voice was just as sexy and riveting as it had been all those years ago when he’d first seen him onstage beautiful and immortal and the fuel for so many of Severus’s fevered future wanks.

When he finally stops Severus says, “I was just thinking about how I used to rub myself raw thinking about you after that first time I saw you sing.”

Sirius smiles dreamily and cups him self through his underwear then pushes them down. “You wanna suck me?”

Severus looks up at him and grins.

The first time he catches Black talking to the American girl on the phone he makes him sleep in the spare room. The second time, he does. They’re friends, Black says, you can’t tell me who I can be friends with Severus. He doesn’t see why not.

The magazines make them out to be star crossed lovers, say that she’s the ‘baby’ from that much speculated upon awards speech. Online fans say, at least we know now who Laundromat, 9.15 is written about. He checks the message boards obsessively, he doesn’t tell Sirius he does it.

He’s not really sure why it’s her in particular that he has such a problem with, only that she was taking the place of what Severus always fantasised about being to him to the world. Bonny to his Clyde, Nancy to his Sid. Passionate and intense and bad for each other and unapologetically in love.

The worst part was he had made that bed for himself. He supposed now he had no choice but to lie in it.

After the press ran a few too many photos of Sirius sweaty, glassy eyed and out of it, they had a new favourite topic to fight about.

At first Sirius had laughed off his suggestion that he lay off the drugs. Then he’d started to get angry every time he’d brought it up.

You’ve got a hell of a reputation now Black, he told him.

What? Like the one you had when I met you? Sirius replied.

It pissed him off that Sirius was the only one who could render him without a comeback.

They are in Berlin for a festival and Severus, alone in their hotel room, drinks gin straight and tries not to let it upset him that Sirius isn’t there with him. He can hardly recall what they are fighting about. It’s an all too common occurrence. He can’t even be bothered getting on the phone to see where Sirius is. It seems like a bad sign. Is he going to lose him? He wonders.

Though, instead of breaking up Sirius says, Let’s get married. He says no. Of course they can’t. So many reasons not to.

That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard, he says. It would never work, he says.

Is that a no? Black asks finally and he sighs and says, you fool, it’s a yes, of course it’s yes, I’ll marry you a thousand times, I’ll marry you every day of my life. The thing he doesn’t tell him is that he had been ready to say yes as soon as he asked him. He probably would have said it that first moment he saw him. And yeah they had their problems but not loving each other enough wasn’t one of them. Wasn’t love all you needed anyway, didn’t they say?

At first he had sort of thought Sirius just wanted some sort of metaphorical show of getting married, like a commitment ceremony or something. Personally he had always scoffed at those but if Sirius wanted to dress up in front of their loved ones and have a party he’d let him. Though he soon found out Sirius was determined to do it properly. The Netherlands had in the last couple of years legalised same sex marriage and Sirius had become obsessed with the idea of doing it there.

“Sirius we don’t need a blasted piece of paper to tell the world we love each other.” He had exclaimed exasperatedly one evening over curries at a local joint.

“Well I wish you’d told me that earlier because I’ve got us one.”

“What? How?” Sirius knew just as well as he did the only way to legally marry in that country was to become a resident, short of actually moving there he wasn’t sure how they’d pull it off.

“I bought a flat in Amsterdam.”

“Excuse me what?”

“It’s quite shit.”

“You- how did you even do that without me knowing?”

“You’re not the only one who can be sneaky. I sort of don’t have a lot of money left now though.”

Severus makes a sort of strangled exasperated sound. “ _Ahh Sirius_.”

“Well I knew if I told you you’d talk me out of it.”

“You think?”

“I mean it’ll be yours too now I ‘spose, once we’re married. You’ll hate it, well I haven’t actually seen it but it looks like a bit of a shit hole. It’s literally the only thing I own now so I suppose you’re going to have to like it.”

“This is some unbelievable rich asshole bullshit. Did you seriously just buy property purely so we could get married? Did you just throw money at our marriage problem?”

“Yeah I did. So?”

“You know most people don’t do that right?”

“Well it’s not like I am rich. I’m now actually extremely—“

“Poor. Yeah I got it. You get that it makes it worse?”

“I’m bored of talking about this now. It’s done. You better hurry up and start getting ok with it, we’re getting married in three months.”

Severus’s tries to keep being angry. He shakes his head. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“And now you get to show everyone I’m yours.” Sirius says through a forkful of tikka masala.

He smiled to himself. He liked the sound of that.

They talk about it with the band first. This could change things, Severus tells them, we have no idea how much. Getting married would mean that the press would find out eventually and they had decided if they were going to do it they would be the ones to release the information. Sirius had been on at him forever about it and he supposed he owed it to him, even though the manager in him still wanted to tell him no.

Lupin grins and says, how could you possibly think we'd care about that? Though Severus knew that if it all ended tomorrow Lupin would be more relieved than anything. They both look to Potter, The Marauders was his baby after all, everyone knew that, would he want anything jeopardising that? No-one wants to say it but they’d built their brand almost solely on Sirius Black; heterosexual, available, ladies man, stand in for every straight guy who’d ever sat in their room and daydreamed about playing guitar and number one bad boy fantasy of every straight woman in Britain. Who knows what this would do to their bottom line?

“Jamie?” Sirius says anxiously.

“Nah,” James says with an easy, lopsided grin, “doesn't bother me. Give ‘em hell Pads.”

So, like that, it was decided. Did you see Pete? He asks Sirius after, I could have sworn for a second he looked uneasy. Nah, Sirius says, Pete doesn’t care, he probably just didn't understand, I’ll talk to him.

.

“Reg called.” Sirius says to him in a daze one day, still a couple of months out from their wedding date.

“Your brother?” Severus asks.

“Uh huh. He wants to meet up. Wants to meet you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. He said, who’s that guy you're always with? That your boyfriend? I told him, yeah it was. Asked him, how did you know that? And do you know what he said?”

“What’s that?”

“He said, ‘he looks like your type.’ Can you believe that? I almost forgot how well we used to know each other, you know?”

Severus raised his eyebrows. “Are you going to do it?”

“Well yeah. I tried to call him a few times, you know, after, but he never wanted to talk. Not sure why he’s changed his mind now.”

“Maybe he’s grown up.”

“Yeah maybe. Will you come?” Sirius asks.

“If you want me to.” He replies. “I’m your type am I?”

“Babe, if you haven’t figured that out by now you’re even stupider than I thought.”

Severus bites his lip to keep from smiling.

Regulus asks to meet them in a caff in West London. He and Sirius were walking from the tube and as they were ambling through the quiet, leafy neighbourhood, Sirius had said, “I grew up around here.” All casual. He never really talked about where he was from, Severus wasn’t sure why, it was probably considered vulgar or some rich people shit like that.

Severus gives him the side eye and shakes his head. “Fucking toff.”

Sirius smiles and bites his lip. “Wanna see my house? We’re gonna walk past it in a sec.”

“God, do I? I’m gonna say probably not.”

Sirius points it out as they pass. It’s big, old, grand, surrounded by greenery. In other words, big time old money. Fucking Sirius, of course this is where he grew up. Of fucking course it is.

“This is why I never talk about it. I knew you’d get weird.”

“Who’s weird?” He says. “Just because my fiancé is probably like ninth in line to the throne. I’m cool with it.”

“God. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Are you having second thoughts about marrying a commoner?”

“Shut up Severus!”

“It’s fine babe, really.” He says. “I should take you to Cokeworth sometime, it would blow your little mind.”

“I’d like that. I want to meet your parents.”

“Oh God no. I wasn’t being serious.”

“So how far are you from the throne really?” He adds, teasing him.

“I think like 160th.” Sirius says.

“Oh my god Sirius, I was joking!”

Sirius looks embarrassed. “Yeah so was I.”

The cafe is minimal and unassuming but Severus can tell most people there have money.

Severus picks who Sirius’s brother is right away. He looks like him, though not as bad boy handsome as Sirius, with a kinder, rounder more babyish face. Severus thinks it had to have been hard growing up with perfect Sirius as a brother, though as he tells it, he was the black sheep of the family so who knows. On their way to the table Sirius is spotted by a group of impossibly well groomed people at one of the tables. Sirius, with his startling handsomeness, his artfully ripped jeans and his shoulder length hair appeared both out of place at a place like this and perfectly at home. Sirius Black! One of the group calls, Hey Sirius! Sirius gives them one of his charming, dimply grins that he’d perfected just for these situations, and a small wave.

He gives his brother a hug when they get to the table and sits down next to Severus.

“Reg this is Severus.” Sirius says and they shake hands.

“You're so famous now Siri.” Regulus says.

“Sorry about that.” Sirius says, attempting modesty.

“No I’m glad I got to see it.” He smiles. “Severus he was always like this. Even back at school he thought he was famous.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Severus says with real interest. “Tell me more.”

“Still a prick I see Reg.”

“Ignore him Severus. He just wants attention.”

Severus widens his eyes in genuine delight. “Sirius I’m so glad I came.”

The waitress comes and they order coffee. Her eyes widen a bit when she sees Sirius but she manages to smother it down. Severus thought that rich people weren’t supposed to be bothered about celebrities but apparently that experience was universal.

“You living with the olds then Reg?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah, during hols. Just until I finish uni, you know. Do you two live together?” At 24 Sirius was supposed to be just two years older than his brother but something about Regulus seemed desperately sweet and far younger. He supposes both himself and Sirius had had to grow up quick.

“Yeah we flat. With Pete and Rem. Severus is our manager.”

Regulus looks at Severus. “Is that what you do for a job? Gosh.” Severus just nodded, he had no idea whether it was meant positively or not. He kept going. “I’m going into politics, like our father. Sirius was supposed to be the one doing it, but, well you know. He would have been much better at it, he cares much less what people think of him, he takes after our father. Also he’s smart. Did you know that Severus? Sirius is proper smart. Actually, our parents had him tested. That’s why father was so upset when he. Well.”

Severus considers a few different responses then says, “So I’ve been told. Though I’m yet to see any evidence.” He takes Black’s hand.

“When he found out I was a fag. You can say it Reg.” Sirius says. “That’s why father was so upset when he found out I was a fag.”

“He would have come around Siri.” He says quietly.

“He shouldn’t have had to.” Sirius says but their coffee arrives and Severus is glad for the interruption. He knows Sirius wouldn’t back down when he got like this. He kisses his hand to calm him. They had stopped caring about who would see them together awhile back.

“I bought both your albums. I had to hide them from mother and father.”

Sirius visibly melts. “Did you Reg? What did you think?”

He seems to consider the question carefully. “I thought they were very good. Though I liked the first one better.”

Sirius smiles. “Same.”

“The fellas in my college think it’s frightfully jolly that I have a celebrity in the family.” He affects a slight upperclass lilt, more affected than he usually sounds and he and Sirius smile at each other like they’re sharing an inside joke. “Particularly a rock star who’s apparently shagged half the female population of England. I suppose that song’s about him then. That one that everyone talks about. The one about watching someone come. I’ll be sure to tell the guys.” He looks it like will amuse him greatly to do so.

Sirius nods and his eyes twinkle. “You do that.” He says.

“I knew all those rumours about the American weren’t true. She didn't seem like your type at all.”

Severus doesn’t miss the look Sirius gives him at that.

“Hold on to that one.” Regulus says to Sirius when it’s time to leave. “He looks like he loves you.”

“I’m trying.” Sirius says.

Outside on the pavement Sirius gives his brother a hug. “Don't be a stranger.” He says. He nods towards Severus. “He likes you better than me, I can tell. Let’s do this again.”

Severus thinks later he imagined it but for a fraction of a second he could swear the boy had looked a bit sad, but then he smiled widely and his smile is every bit as disarming as Sirius’s.

.

They all pile into cattle class and head to Amsterdam. The band was joining them as well as Remus’s girlfriend Julia and of course Lily and Harry and the nanny. Harry was now not quite two years old and a proper handful. The band had played shows there before but Severus had never personally been. He was unprepared for it being actually incredibly pretty. The combination of reputation and photos of the terrible flat Sirius had purchased had given him other ideas. I’m not staying in that thing, he had told Sirius so they had all rented a big house just west of the city centre that had some good cafes and a massive park to take Harry to. They had come a few days earlier to get everything sorted. Everyone would be staying with them until a couple of days after the wedding then they’d have the place to themselves for another week before they’d have to head back to reality. Severus had been in talks with some of the majors and the boys were thinking about switching when their contract ended in November. They were ready to move on and Gryffindor had done about as much for them as they could do at this point. That’s if anyone still wanted them after what they were about to do, a voice in his head said traitorously.

The day after they get there he and Sirius take a tram and visit the new flat and he’s more than a bit surprised. Yeah it needs fixing up but the bones are good and it’s literally right on a canal and a stones throw from the city.

Severus narrows his eyes at Sirius who was in the small but light filled kitchen peering into the peeling cupboards. He’d done incredibly well, he suspects the amount he paid for it was actually a steal. Sometimes he forgets that Sirius’ apparent stupidity was more often than not just an act. Not to say the decision to buy the flat wasn’t an impulse one but in true Sirius fashion he somehow came out on top. Sirius’s success was never random, he was too smart for that. He just liked people thinking he wasn’t.

“How the fuck did you find this?” He asks him.

Sirius just raises an eyebrow at him.

On the afternoon they are to get married he leaves Sirius to get ready in their ensuite while everyone else is downstairs quaffing mimosas. The house is a large Dutch farmhouse with wooden floors, a master bedroom on the top level and three below. He’s waiting in the hall, having already donned the suit Sirius chose for him, when Sirius slips quietly from their bedroom. Now, until that point Severus had thought about being married to Sirius in theoretical, abstract terms only. Another one of Sirius’s harebrained ideas that he sometimes got stuck on like a dog with a bone. He’d never thought he’d get married nor had he particularly coveted the idea. But seeing Sirius, besuited and stupidly handsome appear from their room like an angel haloed in light hits him like a ton of bricks.

“Well?” Sirius says to him.

“You’re amazing,” he breathes. “There’s nothing I want to do more than marry you. Sirius Black, I’m _desperate_ to marry you.”

Sirius gives him that crinkly eyed, dimply smile that used to stop his heart back when they first met. “Have at it then.” He says.

The city registry office is is plain and officious and the ceremony perfunctory but it hardly matters. They clasp hands and grin at each other because the language makes no sense to either of them but the officiator knows the barest wisp of English so they muddle through. They even manage to put each other’s rings on in vaguely the right spot and then the officiator says something else unintelligible and nods at them encouragingly. “Kiss.” He says to them, smiling stupidly. “Kiss now.”

He and Sirius stand facing each other and Sirius cocks his head to the side and gives a crocked smile then he steps forward and takes Severus’s head in his hands and kisses him thoroughly. Fucking hell, I’m kissing my husband, Severus thinks giddily as their idiot friends erupt in cheers.

Their publicist had hired them a photographer and they get a few pictures together that Severus assumes will be ruined by the presence of his own severe and odd looking face. Severus had half thought the publicist might have quit in horror when they had told her what they were planning but she had only nodded, it’s probably about time they knew, she had said, but if we’re doing it, the photos are going to be stunning.

Then, as quick as you like, they are pushed into a taxi to make their way to the the reception and they sit in the back pressed up against each other. “This was a good idea Black.” He says, kissing him along his hairline. “You did good.”

Sirius had hired a small bistro with a courtyard out the front strung with fairy lights. Inside it’s light and open with large windows and a warm wooden interior and there’s a large table set up for them in the middle with candles and flowers dotting the centrepiece.

“Hey Sirius.”

“Reg? What the hell?”

Regulus gets up from the table and walks over to them. “Surprised?”

Sirius grabs him in a hug. “Yes. What are you doing here?”

“Severus organised it.”

He looks at Severus. “You did this?” Severus shrugs with his eyebrows.

“Sorry I couldn’t be there for the ceremony, I only just arrived.”

“This is fine.” Sirius says. “This is perfect.”

Severus isn’t one for showy displays of affection or even wordy ones particularly though for the benefit of Sirius and the guests he makes a speech while their small party drinks champagne from flutes and picks at hors d’ourves as the sun goes down and the nanny chases little Harry around the restaurant.

He talks of their beginnings and their immediate mutual hatred which no one really needs reminding of so he doesn’t dwell. “I think Sirius was the only one who was fooled.” He says. “I believe the rest of you knew that he held my heart from the very start. Despite the lengths I went to to convince him I didn’t. That he apparently loved me back is the single most amazing and unbelievable occurrence of my life.

“Sirius, I mean to spend the rest of my life proving that I am worthy of you. And when I say forever I really do mean it. You have me for the rest of my life, whatever that may mean. I will be here for you however you need me, for as long as I live. You can depend on that.”

He thinks Sirius is ok with it because he stands up and kisses him fully on the mouth though he does sometimes wonder if his intensity is a little too much. But if he can’t be an intense weirdo on his wedding day when can he eh?

Before they fly home they release a statement and two pictures of their wedding, one of them kissing at the registry and one of them sitting together at the bistro, hands clasped and grinning at each other, flowers and wedding cake in the foreground. He’s not sure what kind of sorcery the photographer performed that day but he doesn’t look too bad in either, and Sirius, well he had looked breathtaking in every single one, though he would say that. There can be no mistaking them for casual acquaintances any longer after these. On the way home on the plane he and Sirius speculate whether it will be noticed much at all. Perhaps the world will go on ignoring their relationship even now and they’ll be free to continue with their lives as they please.

That is all to say that when they step off the plane and into the next phase of their lives they are wholly unprepared.

At the airport, as the paparazzi swarm like flies and the lights from the cameras blind their eyes, it’s like nothing either of them have experienced. They can only keep walking, blinking with hands gripping each other like they are grabbing onto a life raft. _Sirius! How long have you and Severus been together?_ _Sirius! What made you decide to get married? Sirius!_

Severus doesn’t catch everything that’s yelled at them but they stop finally to address the throng in an impromptu press meeting. Severus looks at Sirius questioningly and he shrugs back tiredly, why not.

“Sirius, is Severus the person you dedicated your Brit award win to last year?”

“Yes.” He gives a small amused huff. “Next.”

“Sirius, what would you say to your fans who might find the idea of you marrying a man a bit strange or off putting?”

Severus looks at Sirius, he sees that scowl on his face, the weariness around his eyes, sees him open his mouth to the microphone, basically knows what he’s going to say before he says it.

“What would I say?” Sirius looks straight into the video camera with a sneer. “I’d say, piss off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part 1, if you're still with us thank you for reading and commenting, I adore each and every one of them <3.
> 
> Please feel free to ignore my self indulgent music mentions but I've imagined this fic in a very filmic sort of way, more so than my usual, and it's had a very clear soundtrack for me all the way through (I can probably tell you what song goes with every scene...). Anyway... the song that plays out the very last scene for me has always been Liberty Belle by Fontaine's D.C. - I think it's the perfect little punk song to accompany Sirius's finest don't-give-a-shit punk moment. It's on Spotify if want to take a listen and on their Dogrel album :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty intense chapter.
> 
> Warnings for minor character suicide - no detail, but please be warned that this chapter does deal with this issue albeit briefly.  
> Also warning for homophobic attitudes/language.

Part II

**A Few Bad Turns**

“D’ya mind if I smoke?”

“No, go ahead.”

Sirius flicks his lighter and gives a bored drag on his cig as he looks lazily out the window. When this is over he’ll go home to an empty apartment, pop a Valium and just sleep. The idea appeals more than it ever would have just a few short years back.

“Anything to drink gentlemen?” The waiter interrupts before they can start.

“I should think so mate.” Sirius says and orders a double scotch on the rocks. It’ll help him sleep later at any rate.

The journo just asks for water. Sirius has to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

He asks a few starting questions, how the band got together, his school life, about the Hog and so on, before moving on to the real reason they are here, why the magazine’s editor wanted to do this in the first place he imagines.

“You were recently married.”

“You noticed that did you?”

“The interest from the media as well as the general public has been extremely high, was that unexpected?”

Sirius scoffs. “You could say that. Look mate, you seem like a good guy and you’re probably just doing what you’re told but if you’re asking me if it was a publicity stunt I’ll have to respectfully ask you to bugger right off, I’ve said I’ll I care to about that.”

The guy cracks a smile and for the first time Sirius warms to him slightly. “Fair enough too mate. I take it you’ve had your fair share of negative reception then.”

“Mixed. It’s been mixed. Let’s say that.”

“There were a few weeks there when you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing you telling everyone to piss off.”

He was right. It had been everywhere, he thinks back on that afternoon. The room had sort of exploded in a cacophony of yelling and Severus had immediately gone into manager mode, barked something at the press and swept Sirius outside and into a taxi.

“Yeah that happened. Jesus Christ.”

“Do you regret saying that now?”

“No not at all and here’s why. People were trying to get me to apologise for it and all sorts of things but I’ve refused because my point still stands, if you think that, if my attraction to men is ‘off putting’ to you or makes you uncomfortable then our music isn’t for you. Fuck off and listen to something else.”

The guy grins at him and scribbles something in his notebook.

“Am I allowed to ask you about your relationship with Severus Snape?”

He spreads out his hands. “Why not?”

“How did you two meet?”

“At the Hog. He worked there and we were playing there a lot back then. Then later he became our manager.”

“How long had you been together before you decided to tie the knot?”

“Um I guess since ’99, so about three years.”

“Wow, how did no-one know?”

Sirius laughs. “We’re not sure. Look, we did try to hide it at the start but we stopped bothering after awhile. It’s sort of been an open secret in the industry for a long time, everyone we knew knew. Even so, I’m not the kind of person who likes hiding who I am, so this has been a relief, albeit a fraught one.”

“I have to say you just completely shattered your public image in one move, did you mean to do that?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re saying that the image the public had of you as a skirt chasing ladies man was nothing more than a mirage, a smoke and mirror show?”

“Ah. Well not quite, though perhaps a little more exaggerated than was the reality. I’ve chased my fair share of skirt in the past, I can’t say that’s not true. But, and I know for a fact my husband will tell me not to say this but I’m going to anyway, Severus and I knew each other for a good year before we got together and a lot of it was to get his attention. More than I care to admit.”

“Ah that classic, fool proof way of making someone want you.”

“Exactly, I was an idiot. It didn’t work of course, just made him despise me more.”

“He didn’t like you?”

“I know it’s hard to imagine,” Sirius says drolly. “No he did not. We hated each other.”

“What changed?”

Sirius gives him a look. “Nothing. Nothing’s changed. We just fuck now too.”

Sirius enjoys the way the guy’s eyes bulge slightly out of his head while he simultaneously tries to pretend like it doesn’t affect him.

They move on to other topics and eventually end up on his parents, a topic Sirius usually goes to great pains to avoid, though being the son of a cabinet minister and once heir to the sizeable Black fortune, it was normally of particular interest to anyone who interviewed him. “It’s no secret you were disinherited at age 16, though, at least to my knowledge, you have rarely spoken about it.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Did it have anything to do with your sexuality?”

Sirius raises an eyebrow, he was the first to have picked up on that. “Everything.” Sirius says. “It had everything to do with it.”

He remembers coming home that day to his parents stony faced and serious at the dining table. In all likelihood they’d been looking for drugs but instead were treated to an eyeful of Sirius’s porn stash. His tin of weed still lay upstairs in his room, hidden and unmolested. He thinks it’s kind of funny now but then he had been horrified at the intrusion. He’d always known that yes he liked girls but he felt exactly the same way about boys too. It had never really bothered him. He had just kind of thought that if he felt that way it was probably normal. He supposes that’s that arrogance that people usually accuse him of. He wondered if they were regretting all those times they’d let Sirius have boys in his room without supervision. He hoped they were, they should be. Though his father wasn’t really surprised, Sirius knew he wasn’t, he always suspected that was the real reason his he never liked him. He’d moved in with the Potter’s that day.

He manages to escape from that line of questioning without saying too much and then they talk about the upcoming album and the move from Gryffindor to Ministry. When it’s over Sirius goes home and tries not to give it too much thought. No doubt the article will be peppered with the usual buzzwords; arrogant, self important, vain. He tried not to let it bother him too much these days.

At home, in the two bedroom penthouse apartment he and Severus now shared, he tries to sleep but his mind keeps stuttering over memories of his teenage years. Regulus had known of course, Sirius had brought boys home often enough when their parents weren’t home and his brother was a little sneaky fucker. “What were you two doing?” Sirius remembers Reg demanding, Mega Drive controller in hand, when Sirius had stumbled downstairs with Dirk Cresswell sometime during his sixth form year. Dirk was in the year above him, his father was a QC and he’d wanted to be a painter. Later that year just before Sirius had dropped out he’d told him with a sad resigned look in his eyes of how he’d got a place at Cambridge the following year to study law.

“None of your business you creepy little freak, don’t you have any friends to hang out with?” Sirius had said to Reg. He had kissed Dirk at the door before he left, it was the least he could do, the guy had a mouth like a fucking hoover and he would always swallow which is something the girls he had been with never did.

When he’d closed the door Reg’s stupid little face was poking through the doorframe into the hall. “You're gonna get caught if you keep doing that Siri.”

“Why? Who’s gonna tell them? You?”

Sirius thinks he should really give Reg a call and see how he is, to his credit he’d never said anything. He’d been a good brother really.

He has his nap and ends up sleeping entirely too late and when he gets up it’s dark and he’s groggy and still alone in the quiet apartment. He makes himself some food and sits flicking through channels waiting for Severus to arrive home.

It’s after 10 by the time he does. He sitting in the dark with only the TV for illumination. “Where were you?” He barks.

“Working.” Severus replies smoothly.

“You work too fucking much.”

“One of us has to. You realise I’m doing this for us Sirius.” He flicks on a light and throws his bag on the table.

“I never see you.”

“I would have thought that would be your preference.” He says and stalks to the bathroom.

The sad thing is he’s still sort of obsessed with the little freak just as much as he always has been. Those black suit pants he wears with the white shirts that fit just right on his tiny little body; Sirius can almost wrap his hands right round those small hips. Those dark, secretive eyes of his, the way he’s grown his hair out almost to his shoulders and his tendency to tie it back messily leaving strands over his face. Sirius sometimes wished he would lose interest, that he didn’t have such a hold on him. He missed that version of himself where he was one in control, uncaring and flippant, that complete bastard, the one who would let you suck his dick then never call you back. Things had been a lot easier for him then.

Sirius sits and stews for another couple of hours before he joins Severus in bed.

The next morning Severus slides out of bed early but Sirius grabs him by the wrist and pulls him back down.

“I’ll be late.” Severus says.

“So be late.” And because he rolls his eyes at him and pulls away, Sirius holds tight and growls, “I’m your husband. I have needs.”

Severus’s angry little face looks back at him. “Want me to make you?” He can see his stiff little prick straining against his pants as if in reply.

He presses him back on to the pillows and peels his night clothes off and covers him with his body, he’s already hard from the thought of having him. He usually slept naked, it used to be a convenience though now it seemed more like wishful thinking than anything. He slots their cocks together and grinds into him, his body hard and heavy on top of him. Severus squirms under him and pants breathlessly.

They don’t say anything or even kiss, Sirius just presses his face up beside his and bites his jaw and takes what he needs from him, pinning his hands to the bed with intertwined fingers. Soon their movements become faster and more erratic as they both seek the friction they need from each other. Sirius grunts brutishly in his ear then bites it, tugging roughly with his teeth.

“Fuck. _Fuck_.” Severus grinds out then groans loudly and comes. Sirius is not far behind and he pulls his hips tightly to his own and spends his release onto his skin like he’s marking him with it.

He stays lying on top of him for second, _Jesus Christ_ he says after a moment then swats him on the hip and rolls off to sitting. Severus’ face is impassive and unreadable as he sits up.

“Hey. Where’s my kiss?” He asks and Severus crawls over with a wry look in his eyes, he straddles his legs and gives him a lingering kiss on the mouth. He was always far more obliging after he’d come.

“That’s better.” Sirius says. “Who’s your man?”

“You are.”

“That’s right. Don’t forget it. Now off you go.”

Severus smiles that dreamy little smile at him and kisses him again before he goes. Sirius smiles with satisfaction as he watches him leave. He just needed putting in his place from time to time that was all, or he’d walk all over you. It still gave him a little thrill that he was probably the only one who could do that.

Making their third album hadn’t gone as smoothy as their first two had. There was a new label and a new dynamic to deal with. Ministry was a big corporate conglomerate of a thing and had dangled a shit load of money in front of them after a bidding war had ensued when they’d announced their decision to move on from their old label. Severus had been for it of course, he’d told them from the start that he was going to make them a lot of money, and here it was just waiting for them to come and take. He’d convinced the others, though it hadn’t been that hard. Sirius was the only one who hadn’t wanted to. He was happy with Gryffindor, he’d liked the music they’d made together so far and he liked working with Gid who had also produced their second album, the one they’d had so much success with.

So they’d got a new producer, a Ministry approved one and a fancy new studio to record in with more shiny expensive gear than you could shake your dick at. There’d been notes too from above and far more cooks than they’d been used to so far, and disagreements and arguments had been almost constant.

Though in the end they had been happy with how the album turned out, they’d decided to go in a slightly different direction with more synth and a mellower sound. It sounded good, and though there were no obvious big hitters like Are You the One? and Last Night, it was a more polished vibe while still retaining their garage-y punk essence.

The media attention doesn’t die down and true to form the most common photo of he and Severus together was either of them fighting or with their tongues down each other’s throats. A photo of Sirius biting Severus jaw while Severus scowled at the camera and Sirius gave it the finger had shown up in magazines around the world. Sirius had known the photographer who had taken it, he was a world class cunt and flipping him off had been both honest and intentional. It had pissed him off that they had made him so much money.

Severus comes home one day with an issue of Rolling Stone with him on the cover. He just holds it up, saying nothing.

Sirius swore breathily. It was one thing knowing that it was happening but completely another seeing it for real. **Sirius Black** , Sex, Drugs and Wedding Bells the cover says. The picture they’d chosen was his face, side on, turning towards the camera with tousled hair spilling forward over his face. You can see a hint of his chest tatts under his open collar and more on his inner forearm.

Severus goes to open it. “Wait.” He says, he just had to brace himself first, it was one thing other magazines calling him an arrogant wanker, but Rolling Stone, a man had to prepare himself for that. He takes a deep breath. “Ok, do it.”

Severus flicked through till he found it.

“Well?”

Severus looked at him. Then a slow smile spread over his face. “ _Sirius Black, punk hero of our generation_.”

Sirius widens his eyes. “Huh?”

“‘If to be punk is to piss off those who have power and reject the status quo then Sirius Black is the new punk icon that we all need right now. Black seems to be a man not afraid to forge his own path. In the wake of his recent shock marriage to long term boyfriend Severus Snape, Black has been unashamedly and gloriously unapologetic in the face of what can only be described as overwhelmingly intense public scrutiny. A much needed breath of fresh air in the current hyper masculine alt rock scene, as Black says, if you don’t like it, “fuck off and listen to something else.” And we think that’s punk as hell. We chat to Black about sex, marriage, family and that fickle bitch, fame.’”

“They didn’t call me arrogant.” Sirius says in wonder.

“No, they said ‘unashamedly unapologetic.’”

“Holy shit. You read it first. I can’t do it.” Sirius says.

He watches Sev read, nervously chewing at his fingernails. After a few minutes Severus stills.

“Sirius! What did you say??!”

Shit, he thinks, is it possible they might have printed the “we just fuck now too” quote?

“Nothing!” He yelps and side steps him and flees into the bedroom.

“I’ll get you Black!” Severus calls and chases after him.

* * *

“Have you seen Black?”

“No. Why would I?”

“You’re supposed to be his fucking friend Potter, that’s why.”

“I’m not his fucking keeper though am I? Or his husband. That’s supposed to be you.”

He hangs up on him.

He stands outside the club, looking around him, trying not to get too frantic as people line up, mill about smoking or wait for taxis. He’d probably be fine anyway, he always was.

“You looking for Sirius Black?” A girl asks him, cigarette in her bright red mouth, and her too skinny legs poking out of her short skirt.

He nods at her.

“Went that way.” She gestures down the road with her thumb.

He doesn’t have a better idea so he makes his way down the street with no real plan in mind. After a couple of blocks he gives up and looks around uselessly. This had been a fools errand, there’s no way he’s going to find him tonight now. Potter had been right, he wasn’t his keeper, Severus was, and it was getting fucking old.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees something move from the direction of the phone box on the corner. He walks over and presses his face to one of the square panels of glass.

“Fuck sake.” He says and wrenches the door open roughly.

Black’s lying passed out on the floor of the phone booth, head lolling against the wall with a (thankfully) unlit cigarette stuck between his lips and long legs bent and twisted into the small space. He wakes and looks up groggily and his lips spread into a drugged smile. “Severus. Lost m’phone.”

“Get up.” Severus says and grabs him roughly by the arm jerking him upwards. He pulls him out of the phone booth after him as Black stumbles. “You’re going to fucking rehab,” he tells him, it’s the first time he’s said it. “I’m sick of this.”

Black pulls his arm away with an over exaggerated motion. “Like fuck.”

“Come on.” Severus says and puts an arm around his waist and steers him back to the club and it’s waiting taxis.

“Wait there.” He says when they reach the club. “I’ll get us a taxi.”

“M’going back in.” Sirius says.

“Like hell you are.” Severus growls at him, trying to be intimidating.

“Can’t tell me what to do.” Sirius says which is very hard to respond to with out sounding similarly like a child.

“Sirius.” He hisses at him.

“Leave me alone!” Sirius yells at him and Severus rolls his eyes. “You can’t make me go to rehab you prick.”

“Sirius get in the fucking taxi.” He’s raising his voice now and Sirius yells back and like that they’re screaming at each other in public again and Severus is very much aware that there are flashes of light around them and shit, is there any pap footage of them that’s not them fighting? But he doesn’t back down because he doesn’t know how to do that. Backing down from a fight seems like a reasonable response for someone who’s not married to Sirius fucking Black. You give him an inch and he’ll have the clothes off your back.

“Your fault.” He says slamming The Mirror down on the kitchen table in front of Sirius, open to the page with them screaming into each other’s faces. He thinks sadly of how he had wanted so badly for them to be like fucking Sid and Nancy or some bullshit. Well, he got his wish, that’s what they called them. It didn’t feel as good as he’d hoped, probably because he had to deal with the actual reality of their terrible behaviour.

“You just love feeling superior to me don’t you? You love rubbing my face in, turns you on doesn’t it?”

Severus ignores him and grabs his bag and keys off the counter.

“Where are you going?”

“Out!” He says.

“Fine.” Sirius says and grabs the telephone handset.

“Sev?” He’s at the door and something in Sirius’s voice makes him stop dead still.

He turns. “Babe?”

“I just got this weird message from Reg.”

He blanches. “Weird how?”

Severus’s suddenly sees a flash of the boys face the first time they’d met, that fleeting resigned sadness, there only for a second.

“Sirius. Ring your parents. Do it now.” He says.

...

“Dad. It’s Sirius... What? No...”

...

They were too late. That was just the way it was. There was nothing they could have done. By the time they got the message Regulus had been found already in his college rooms.

It had been painful to watch Sirius blame himself, as though he could have done anything at all, he would find him in their room, lying on the bed curled around the telephone, listening to Regulus’ last message over and over. It’s not your fault Severus says to him and he nods with hollow unblinking eyes.

There is a funeral of course and Sirius grips his hand as they walk into the church. Potter, Lily, Lupin and Pettigrew were there but Sirius’s mother wants him to sit with the family. Just you son, Sirius’s father says, low with warning, he strikes Severus as someone used to only saying something once.

“He’s my husband, he stays.” Sirius says and he sounds just like him, he looks like him too, and it takes Severus aback somewhat. He grips Black’s hand tighter.

The next few seconds stretch out as Black senior seems to consider his options. Finally he nods silently and they sit. Which was good because there was no way Severus could have let go of his hand. And that is Severus’s first meeting with Sirius’s parents. After, Black’s father looks him over cooly like Severus’s low roots are written all over him and his mother ignores him completely. Though they’d just lost a son he could forgive them for not faking geniality.

Why didn’t they look after him better? Sirius asked him after and it breaks his heart.

Album sales are sluggish and though now it seems trivial in comparison to Regulus, Severus can’t help but suspect it’s related to their decision to come out. Reviews are underwhelming, reviewers seemingly confused about the different direction they’d gone in. Severus still thought it was their best yet, though time will tell, he thinks. It took time for people to get used to new things. He still kept an ear to the underground scene and he was hearing that synthy electro sound coming through more and more. That was the future, he thought.

He’d learnt a lot watching the suits at Ministry Records. He found the A&R men fascinating, the way they seemed to exude a certain power, that when they talked people seemed to listen, how a single word from them could send people scuttling. I want _that_ , he found himself thinking.

He had also learnt that a certain amount of push back made for a better record, that striving for perfection wasn’t just an annoying character trait, it was expected. Not good enough, one of the suits had said about one of their first cuts, Black had been apoplectic but for Severus it had been a revelation.

I could do that, he thought. But better. He now had six bands he was managing, all pains in the asses in their own way. Surely it couldn’t be harder than that.

He never does get Black to agree to rehab and at times they all worry. They shoot looks at each other when Black is out of the room and had at various times taken turns to talk to him. Severus never really expects anything but he appreciates the help. He knows how addicts think, seen it with his dad, knows talking is next to useless. Addict. He can say it now. In his head. He’s never said it aloud to him but he thinks, sometimes he thinks. Other times he wonders if he’s being too dramatic, it’s not that bad. His dad would have alcohol fuelled violent rages, Sirius was just... high all the time.

Sometimes Severus thinks things are getting better but then he would come home to catch him high off pain pills and sitting on the couch staring vacantly at the wall. When he asked about them he would deny it though the packets of empty pills in their rubbish bin easily disproved it. He’d started up with the girls again and Severus tries to harden himself to it. Sirius still insisted he wasn’t sleeping with them and maybe he’s even telling the truth but they definitely take drugs together and he finds himself wishing it were merely the other.

Sometimes he finds himself imagining his life without him.

He visits his parents in Cokeworth and Sirius insists on coming. He tries to put him off but he’s persistent. Getting it over with quickly was the best he could hope for.

The house looks small and so does his father. It seems strange that this man sitting there so meek and withered should have been the tyrant of his entire childhood. His mother had dressed in her Sunday best. It makes his heart ache. They seem out of place, he and Sirius, the way they dress, the way they hold themselves, how they speak, and he realises suddenly that he no longer belongs here and he wonders exactly when that had happened. He sees Sirius’ jaw clench and his posture shift slightly when he eyes his father. He places his hand on his knee to tell him silently, no, it’s not worth it.

“You’re married then.” His father observes gruffly. “To a man no less. Always knew he was bent, didn’t I say that Eileen?” And Severus flinches slightly despite telling himself he doesn’t care. He hears Sirius swallow and sees his fists clench in his lap. “Didn’t know they let you lot do that.”

Severus hadn’t known how to answer and Black says, “Our lot?”

“Poofs.” His dad says before Severus can think of a good distraction.

“Oh yes they let us do all sorts these days.” Sirius says.

“We’ve an Aldi up in town now.” His mother says.

“Yes?” Severus says.

His mum tells him about all the people who have died since they last spoke and Severus has never been more happy to hear about dead people. “Is that right?” He says and nods with inappropriate eagerness. Sirius is like a tightly coiled spring next to him.

His mother asks about his work and he gives a polite, truncated answer.

“‘Ere, when you gonna get a proper job then son?” His father sneers. “Doesn’t seem right, a grown man poncing about after rock bands.” His dad looks right past him to Sirius when he says that last bit, his eyes almost gleeful.

Severus closes his eyes and winces. Never mind.

Sirius shakes his head with barely suppressed menace, he hadn’t thought a head shake could be menacing before but there it is. “Do you have any idea how successful your son is?” He ejects. “What he’s done? He’s one of the most sought after managers in the country, did you know that? He’s only 25 and you speak to anyone in our industry and they’ll know who he is. And you sit there belittling him? Do you know how fucking stupid you sound?” He and his mother both flinch slightly when he says the last. Severus puts a protective hand in front of him reflexively, which is ridiculous considering Sirius is 6’3, young and built but he has no doubt at all that he would tear his father limb from limb before he let him lay a finger on Sirius.

“How dare you speak to me like that in my own house.” His father threatens but there’s a triumphant spark behind his eyes. Don’t bother, he wants to tell Sirius, he’s enjoying this. Where do you think I get it from.

Severus stands up, he doesn’t have the skills to fix this and he can’t be bothered trying. “I think we’re going to go Ma.” He says. “Da. Sirius can you give us a minute?” He looks at him imploringly. Just wait for me outside, Severus says, I’ll only be a minute. Sirius looks like it’s the last thing he wants to do but thankfully, he concedes. He mumbles a quick thanks to Severus’s mother, ever the polite guest, can’t fault those well bred manners, and he slips out the door.

“He’s handsome.” His mother says and he nods. He never had bothered coming out to them. Just let them figure it out themselves. He wonders if it was his mother’s way of telling him she didn’t mind. Although it could just as easily be her way of pointing out he wasn’t. His father looks sullenly past him at the wall.

“Do you need money?” He says and his father tips his head in the barest of acknowledgements.

He slips his mother an envelope. It would still go on his drinking but he liked to imagine his mother keeping some for herself. She was wily enough to do that.

He’d be back in six months to do it again.

“We saw you on TV.” His mother says before he goes. She nods at his father. “He told all his friends up at the pub about it.” Severus presses his lips together in the way that substituted for a smile in his family. His father doesn’t meet his eyes.

On the train Sirius puts his arms around him and they say nothing the whole way home. Back at their flat he pulls Sirius into the bedroom and they make love for the first time in weeks, and he grasps and pulls at him and tries to exorcise that life from his bones.

When the band tour the new album it’s assumed Severus won’t be going with them and Sirius doesn’t even ask him to. He worries constantly but doesn’t know what to do to help him.


	12. Chapter 12

You fucking idiot Reg, he tells him sometimes, why did you do it?

Sometimes he talks to his parents; you were supposed to look after him.

The rest of the time there’s just the persistent _your fault, your fault, your fault_. He usually takes a quaalude for that or an Oxy. It generally does the trick.

Severus was slipping away from him, he thinks. He wasn’t sure how to stop it or if he even wanted to. It was easier if he didn’t have to think about it. Getting high was easier if he didn’t have to feel guilty. Severus left him alone so much it was almost like they weren’t together anyway. He was always lonely. Being with Severus made him lonely.

At a party for some for some big shot movie producer, (he forgets who, he’d stopped being impressed by celebrity years ago), an old guy had strongly suggested he’d give him some gear if he’d suck his dick. Sirius had backed out at the last minute but it had shown him how easy it would be.

He didn’t really even have to have money. It was enough to just know some people and use his body. Severus always suspected him of cheating anyway, though he never had, never wanted to, it had always been him he wanted most of all. And when it came down to it was it all that different to what he currently did? The paparazzi waiting to catch him at every corner, the photo shoots of him half naked, looking wasted and vacant, wank fodder for bored housewives and closeted fags, the strutting about on stage like a fucking peacock. Wasn’t that what he did already?

A bass guitarist in one Severus’ bands would moon after him pathetically and he had started to wonder if Sniv was sleeping with him. Would he do that to him? These days he wasn’t sure. James was always at him to write, said he was sick of carrying them, they weren’t going to have enough for a new album at this rate. In the old days Sirius could always be relied upon to write their bangers, he had an ear for catchy hooks, but lately he couldn’t be bothered. He went to most of the parties, he knew everyone, he was fun and everyone liked him when he was high. It felt like they were his friends but he never spoke to any of them when he wasn’t trolleyed. None of the boys ever join him, not even Pete, who he never saw outside their practice sessions these days. He missed having Pete around like in the old days, the way he’d follow him around and laugh at his jokes. And yeah he used to think he was a teensy bit annoying but at least he was never alone.

Severus never came anywhere with him anymore but there were always girls around that would party with him, keep him company. The fact that he was married to a man hadn’t seemed to put many of them off. He started to get papped with them again and one time one of them had put her tongue in his mouth and it had made a splash in the papers and Severus hadn’t said a thing about it. That had stung.

When Rosie calls him and tells him she’s going to be in town he’s over the moon, they’d kept in touch over the years and it would be nice to see a real friend, someone who knew him properly. He invites her over and she whistles when she sees their apartment, nice place she says. “It’s ok.” He says, mostly it just seemed too big and lonely.

“You’ve done alright for yourself.”

“It’s mostly Severus.” He says. “He’s obsessed with making money.” He shrugs. He didn’t understand it.

They share a drink and a joint and talk about the old days and muse about writing a song together, it was a nice idea, he hadn’t written for ages, maybe it would give him the motivation he needed. He gets one of his acoustics out for her and take turns playing bits for each other.

When Severus comes home they stop what they’re doing and despite himself Sirius looks up guiltily. Severus just looks at them and blinks a few times then turns and walks back out the door.

“Baby come on—” Sirius calls after him and chases him down the hall.

“Sev wait!”

“Yes?” He says blandly.

“It’s not what you think.”

Severus laughs at him coldly and it chills him. “I could care less. Have fun Black. I’m late for an appointment. At least do me the courtesy of making sure she’s gone by the time I get home tonight.”

“This is crazy. I’ve never cheated on you.”

Severus gives an amused sniff. “You expect me to believe that?”

Sirius is just left staring after him as he walks away.

He goes back inside in a daze and Rosie is waiting for him, concern etched on her face.

I think we’re going to break up, he admits for the first time, _oh babe,_ she says and she holds him while he cries into her shoulder and he’s not sure if he’s crying for himself, for Severus or for Reggie. And ok it was stupid, he shouldn’t have done it but for some reason he kisses her shoulder, and then her neck, and then his mouth has found hers and he’s kissing her desperately with wet, frantic kisses and she kisses him back and he just wants someone to be kind to him, to connect with him, he needs _something_ and maybe this is it. So he presses her back against the couch cushions with his hand on her waist and it would be so easy and she was nothing like Severus, and _fuck._ Severus. Severus fucking Snape. His stupid little face and the stupid way he had tried desperately to look like he didn’t care. He pulls away with an apologetic half smile that’s not likely to make up for any of it.

“God I’m sorry. I’d just be doing this to hurt him and I like you too much to do that to you...” And I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of being fucking right. “ _Fuck_.”

“I don’t want to fuck a married man either, what am I doing? I’m sorry babe I know you’re hurting.”

“I don’t know why you’re apologising.” He says.

She doesn’t seem too upset with him, usually he can tell because it happens so often but she still ends up leaving and then he’s alone again and he feels like shit so he pops a pill and he’s not even real sure what it is but it does the trick.

Severus starts sleeping in the spare room and some part of him is relieved because of the eggshells they were tiptoeing on around each other. He could never relax in his presence not with him seething there beside him. They’d stopped sleeping together anyway, the one part of their relationship that had always been loving and healthy and giving, even when they were being kinky little freaks. Now there just seemed to be nothing left.

Later, at another one of those monotonous industry parties he pulls a girl with dyed blonde hair and an easy laugh into an empty bedroom and he pushes her skirt up and slides her underwear down her legs and he pushes his fingers inside her and then, because he’s already gone that far and he can’t think of any good reason not to, his cock. And it’s so easy and he had thought it wouldn’t be and coming inside someone makes him feel good, at least for a few seconds. After, she manifests a little baggy from her bra and they do lines off each other’s skin, laughing like his world hasn’t just fallen down around him. It’s not till he’s home that he can admit he hadn’t been as attracted to her as he still was to his husband every single day and the thought of that hurt.

At some point the dickhead from Severus’s band stops mooning after him and starts giving Sirius guilty, wary glances when he thinks he’s not looking. He supposed he should feel relieved that he doesn’t have to take the full burden of guilt but he just feels devastated.

* * *

“You smell like sex.” Severus says. Sirius just throws his keys on the kitchen counter and pulls open the door to the fridge. He grabs the Diet Coke and drinks it straight from the bottle.

“You can talk.” He says wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

“Where were you?” Severus goes with but there’s no real accusation in his voice, the time when he would have had any particular opinions on Sirius’s whereabouts was over.

“Do you really care?”

“I suppose not.”

He grabs his bag and his keys. He was going to read the papers and have his morning coffee but now Black was home he decides against it. He’ll pick one up on the way and have it in his office. He still kept his office at the Hog, though he supposed he should have moved years ago. Dumbledore had at least found a bigger space for him and he liked being able to keep that connection to the man, it had its uses.

“Your boy was there.” Sirius says.

“Huh?” He says, except he knows.

“The bassist.”

“He’s no one’s _boy_.”

“Oh? It’s over?”

It was but he wasn’t going give Sirius the satisfaction of saying so. It hadn’t really gone anywhere and it had given Severus no real pleasure, he’d always thought of Sirius anyway. He gives him a look, then leaves.

When he gets to the office he rings Potter. “Have you given any thought to the Australasian tour?” He asks him. Potter had a couple of other projects on the go and of course he had a family so he had been reluctant to commit to something so far from home.

“Yeah let’s do it.” Potter says. “Lily says I should. I’m still worried about leaving them but she says it will be fine.”

“I’ll be here.” He says.

“Yeah that’s what she said. Look, I appreciate that. What about Sirius?” Severus doesn’t have to ask what he means.

He swallows. “I don’t... You’ll have to watch him. But it might be...”

“Good for him?”

“I— yes. In theory.”

“You know what he’s going to try to do.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t.” That Sirius hadn’t been caught with drugs at an airport before was nothing short of incredible.

During April he and Potter plan the tour. It was a lot of work but they were old hands at it now, and Ministry would be doing a lot of the promo so that at least was one thing they wouldn’t have to worry about. They manage to find a decent tour manager and at last minute he decides to hire a personal assistant to travel with them, ostensibly for all of them but really for Sirius. When he interviews them he ends up going with the guy because he thinks Sirius will be less likely to fuck him. It’s only after that he remembers that he didn’t care about that any more.

Slowly all his stuff had moved into the spare room and hisclothes and belongings vied for space with Sirius’s music gear and a treadmill that neither of them used anymore. They had never talked about it but it was somehow understood that these were the end days. When he thinks about it he has no idea how they actually ended up like this but he has absolutely no idea how to fix it, at this point it seemed too broken to even try. So he just focuses on his work so as not to give in to the crushing feeling in his lungs. He was working like a maniac, doing the work of three people but to stop would be to collapse completely. Besides The Marauders, two of his bands were some of the hottest indie acts in Britain right now, part of that new wave of young, uber hip alt rock acts. People knew who he was and that he was young didn’t seem to matter. If he wanted he could probably do this for the rest of his life and the money was good, as long as you worked yourself to death. He started to fantasise about leaving it all, along with Sirius, going some place where no one could reach him, somewhere with no phone, no email. He could admit to himself at least that the job itself was losing interest for him, he was busy but it was no longer a challenge, the only times he would really enjoy himself was when they were cutting albums.

On the morning Sirius is supposed to leave Severus watches from the kitchen as he hauls out all his bags from his room that used to be theirs.

“Paul will help you with anything you need, he'll remind you of your schedule and make sure you get everywhere you need to go.”

“Severus I’ll be fine.”

“Yes.” He says. “Of course.”

Severus struggles to know what to say next. “Passport?” Is all he comes up with because it’s what he used to ask.

“In my satchel.”

“Right, right.”

“Taxi will be here soon.”

He nods.

“You won’t be here when I get back will you?”

Severus mouth becomes a hard line. He shakes his head no then he shuts his eyes and when he opens them again Sirius is crying.

“This is not me leaving you.”

“It’s not?”

“I’m still your husband. We just can’t — we need some time.”

“It feels a lot like you're leaving.”

“I won’t be going far. I’ll leave you my address. Can you—? Can you just promise me you’ll call if you need me— I mean, need anything? Anything at all? It doesn’t matter what or when.”

Sirius just nods and sniffs. He wants to comfort him but he doesn’t know how.

“Sirius?” He doesn’t really know how to say the next part but he has to. “I meant what I said when we were married, I’m always here for you, for the rest of your life, that hasn’t changed.”

“ _Severus_.” He says it almost like a whimper and looks at him imploringly.

“I—” Severus says.

“ _Please_ —“

“—yes.” And he goes to him and takes him in his arms, not for the last time, he doesn’t believe that, even now, he can’t believe that.

They hold each other until the taxi comes. I love you, Sirius whispers before he leaves, I love you too, he replies. It’s just not enough, neither of them say.

He finds an apartment ten minutes from Sirius and moves in. It’s smaller but when he buys furniture he finds himself buying things he thinks Sirius would like. He keeps paying for the old apartment too because it makes him feel like he’s still looking after him in some way.

He imagines them spending time together, going on dates like they used to and tentatively rediscovering their relationship, in a burst of hopefulness he looks at some rehab centres not realising that sometime soon their entire life would implode.

* * *

The tour goes pretty well and getting out of Britain ends up being just what he needs; the weather’s good and the people are friendly and he spends a lot of time on various beaches, learns to surf tolerably well. He promises Severus he wouldn’t take anything on the plane and he hadn’t. He works hard, practices as much as he possibly can, he even ends up writing a song or two, and sometimes he even succeeds in forgetting that his marriage has just fallen apart around him.

Did Severus hire the assistant for him to fuck? He does it anyway and it helps to keep his mind off things. It’s a reasonable alternative to getting high. Why else would he have hired him? He had that slim body type that Sirius liked and Severus had to have known that.

He and the boys get on better than they have in ages and they spend a lot of time together, like back in the old days, just the four of them, laughing, drinking in bars, almost getting in to touch ups. Australians were always drinking and when they weren’t they were fighting, it was great. It was relentlessly sunny and they wore shorts and flip-flops everywhere they went, even in pubs and no one cared. It felt like James was his best friend again, they talk shit and take the piss like they used to, we should move here he says to James and he doesn’t say no.

And yeah he thinks of Severus and wonders what he’s doing and if he’s thinking of him but he has to admit this is the most relaxed and happy he’d felt in probably years.

Later, much later, he’ll cherish those weeks he and James spent together, those hazy sun filled days. Though it takes years for him to feel that way.

When he gets back to the UK it feels like a comedown. Those grey clouds are always overhead and he’s not really one for metaphor but he can’t help thinking it’s an appropriate reflection of his state of mind. He had come back to an empty house and the realisation that Severus wouldn’t be coming home and he had sat on the couch alone and fingered the tattoo of Snape’s initials on his inner forearm. He has a bunch of Oxy in his flat and he takes that and getting high again feels like visiting an old friend. He thinks he must have it under control if he could spend four weeks virtually without it. He tries his dealer but he’s out of town so he asks around. One of the guys who he’s partied with, taken acid with, amphetamines, and everything in between, introduces him to a guy. He trusts him because once you do acid with someone you kind of know each other on a visceral level. He’s one of those Death Eaters, he tells him but don’t worry about it, don’t fuck him over and you’ll be fine.

He’s learnt enough from Severus to know he should stay away from them but he meets him anyway because what Snape doesn’t know can’t hurt him and it’s a once off. It won’t happen again. The stringy skinhead that he ends up meeting only has crack which he doesn’t usually do but he says it’s ok because he doesn’t want to piss him off. Say hi to Pete for us, skinhead tells him with an ugly grin and he thinks, that sly little fuck. Is that little bastard on the rock candy? Fucking hell, he must be. He’ll have to give him a call later and suss it out. Is that why he’s been awol lately?

And god he’d missed cocaine. Yes he can function without it but he’d rather not. He had planned to get a bit high and write some music but he doesn’t feel like doing that once he’s had a hit and he’s far more wasted than he had been expecting to get so he rings a few people and gets them to ring a few people and like that his apartment is full and he doesn’t feel so flat and insubstantial anymore.

.

It’s a call that tears his life apart. Just a call. He would have thought it would be something more obtrusive.

He doesn’t remember everything from that day. He remembers that it had taken the air from his lungs. He remembers how Severus had looked; pale and blank, with no life behind his eyes. He remembers Harry at Severus’ flat, asking for his mummy, before they had figured out what to do with him.

He remembers holding Severus and crying, falling apart. Or maybe it was Severus holding him. It had been Severus that had found them, he should have been comforting him but Severus had been stoic, unyielding.

When there is a double funeral there are two caskets. That makes it more awful somehow. He’s not sure how they get through it but they do. The four of them huddling together, just the four of them now. Their little group had suddenly got much smaller. After some discussion they had left Harry at home with the nanny. Severus and Remus had been taking turns looking after him, though no one had asked him. No one really knew what was going to happen to him, there was no family to take him. He thinks of reminding everyone that he was his godfather. Though legally he knew that would never stand up.

No one talks about their friends being shot, about their murder, the inexplicable, unexplainable reality of it. They just talk about their lives, Lily’s kindness, James’s talent, everything but that. They talk around and around it until it’s glaring and obvious in its omission.

People eat and laugh and tell stories like the world is still the same as it used to be and Sirius starts shaking and Severus gives him a Valium and takes him back to his place. _Too many funerals_ , he says to Severus.

He falls asleep in Severus’s bed and when he wakes he’s lying beside him and stroking his head. Being awake hurts so he reaches for him and they kiss like to stop would be to drown.

At some point he realises Severus is crying, his face wet against Sirius’. Or maybe they are Sirius’s own tears. Maybe their tears and their snot and their saliva are mingling and maybe Sirius’s hands unbutton trousers and maybe this is something they understand, they don’t have to think, just have to feel what their bodies know so well. Severus is still crying when he has a firm hand around him but he doesn’t stop just keeps going because this is the first time he’s seen him cry and he needs this. When Severus comes Sirius has his hand around both of them and Severus’ finger is nudging into him and he cries out into Sirius’s mouth. Severus pushes two fingers inside him and then Sirius coming too and all he feels are waves of pleasure for a few sweet seconds.

After they cling to each other, _thank god it wasn’t you_ , Sirius whispers into his hair, says aloud the terrible thing that should never be thought let alone said. Severus holds him tighter but says nothing. _I couldn’t bear it if it were you_ , he whispers back eventually.

* * *

The tears hadn’t even dried on his cheeks when they hear a knock at the door. He finds a towel to clean himself up and arranges his clothes. He leaves Sirius in his bed and goes to answer the door aware that he must look terrible; crumpled shirt untucked, face red and blotchy.

“Is this a good time?” Lupin says, taking him in.

“Of course it is you fucking idiot.” He says. “Get in. Sirius is in bed.”

Doesn’t matter what he’ll assume.None of that matters.

He grabs the good bottle of scotch and Sirius appears looking about as good as he did, pants crinkled and shirt not even buttoned.

He gives Lupin a long hug as Severus pours them all a good few fingers each.

“To James and Lily.” Lupin says with red rimmed eyes and they all drink and it’s at once incredibly lacking and exactly the right thing.

None of them say it but it’s better like this. Just them. They had been like family. A weird, dysfunctional family, but one none the less. Except...

“Pete should be here.” Sirius says. “Where is he?”

“To be honest I thought he must be here. I looked up and he was gone so I just came to find you.”

Severus tried to call him but can’t reach him. He leaves messages. _They need you here Pettigrew, where are you?_ He hisses. He never does hear back from him.

“What will you do now?” He asks Lupin before he leaves. They hadn’t discussed it yet but that was it for The Marauders, they all knew it. The band was nothing without Potter, and Sirius, _his_ Sirius, that beautiful boy that he had seen on that small south London stage all those years ago, the one with the world at his feet, well he’d been gone for a while now.

“Probably go back to school.” Remus says.

“Of course.”

“I’ll come get Harry tomorrow.”

“Yes, thank you. Albus has a plan, I think. He hasn’t told me what but he always has a plan. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve us.”

Lupin nods. “I wish... well, I don’t know what, I just wish it were different.” Severus wonders if he was thinking the same thing he had been for days. If he and Sirius were still together, if Sirius were sober, maybe they’d have a chance of... Well, Remus was right. No point in saying it.

He’d been right, Dumbledore’s plan had not involved them.

“She’s awful.” Severus told him. “It shouldn’t be her.”

“There’s no one else. It’s her or foster care.”

”Jesus.” Lily’s half sister Petunia. Fucking Tuney. She had a different dad, a white dad, and she never missed an opportunity to remind her sister that she was was different, wasn’t good enough. When in reality Lily had been a shining star, beautiful, brilliant, the whole lot and Petunia had just been average. He hadn’t met the husband but from what Lily says— _used to say, shit_ — he was worse.

“You’re not wrong. She was, well, hesitant when I spoke to her. I told her about the money and she perked up.”

“They can’t get the money.”

“They won’t. Well not much of it. They’ll get a stipend. I’ll leave it to you to ensure the contract’s iron clad.”

He nods. “It will be.”

“I’m sorry Severus I know you would rather it were you.”

“What would I do with a child?” He says and tries not to think of that day when he watched Sirius with the baby in his arms and pictured them with a family of their own.

“There’s one other thing. Though maybe you should sit down first.” He says nodding across his desk at the spare chair.

“I’m fine.”

“Sit Severus. Please.” He concedes with a sigh because he’d never won this kind of argument with the man yet.

“You should know it was the Death Eaters. That’s the talk and it seems as if it’s correct.” There’s suddenly a loud buzzing in his ears and he stares straight ahead not moving. Dumbledore’s still talking but he’s just planning his escape, he can’t be here when he falls apart.

“Severus my boy, I need you to realise this had nothing to do with you. This was most likely random. A coincidence.”

He nods, not believing him in the least. Albus believed in coincidence even less than he did. “Who?”

Dumbledore tells him. He knows the guy. It only makes it worse.

“He’s been taken care of.”

“Yes. That’s good. Sirius would want to... This is better.”

“Do you want me to tell Sirius?”

“No.” He says. “It should be me.” He doesn’t say he will blame me and I need him to. Doesn’t say that he expects Sirius to beat the living shit out of him and never speak to him again and it’s what he deserves. I won’t fight back this time, he doesn’t say.

“I’m going to need you to keep an eye on Harry. In the coming years. There are things you will need to do.”

He’s aghast. He can feel his facade cracking. “No. How can I when...? How can I now?”

“It has to be you.”

He goes home and howls and rages and at the end of it, when he’s exhausted and worn out, he’s still responsible.

One thing that keep bothering him: if this is retaliation for his defection to Dumbledore all those years ago, why wasn’t it Sirius? Wouldn’t that have made more sense?

He visits Sirius at his flat and he tells him.

He braces himself but after a minute it’s evident nothing is coming.

Sirius, on the other end of the couch, puts his head in his hands. When he pulls his head up he’s crying.

“Do you want to punch me?” Severus asks tentatively.

“Why when it’s my fault?”

“Yours? Sirius, were you listening to what I said?”

“Sev. A few weeks ago I bought some stuff from them.Some ah, well you know. Don’t you see? It must be because of that somehow. It’s my fault.”

How can it be when it’s mine? He thinks. “ _Sirius_. What did I tell you?”

“Who was it? You must have a name.”

“It’s done with.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“Oh my God, what have we done?”

Severus looks back in horror. Responsibility for the murder of their best friends was one thing he hadn’t expected to share with him.

Severus works and works and works and the next thing he knows months have passed. Anything to not think of those empty and unblinking eyes. Lily gone, Lily never coming back. Lily cold and in the ground. His beautiful girl painted in red.

After awhile it stops working, he can do it all in his sleep. His mind is free to focus on other things like how he’d ruined his marriage and murdered his best friend. And Sirius. Sirius hell bent on killing himself. Always he thinks of him.

So he asks Albus for a favour not really expecting anything to come from it but it’s Dumbledore and if there’s strings to be pulled he’s usually the one doing it.

The company’s called Slytherin and it’s small but he’s heard of it. He meets with the president, an old guy by the name of Slughorn, and he plasters on an insouciant confidence he doesn’t feel. He sizes the man up straight away and he name drops and casually mentions his husband by name. There’s a point where he knows he has him so decides to take a leaf from Sirius’s book and he affects a superior swagger, tells him everything that’s wrong with the company, the things they could be doing better, you need me more than I need you, he tells him which isn’t true at all.

He takes a fairly significant pay cut and the title of Junior A&R Shit Kicker and by Christmas he has his own office.


	13. Chapter 13

It was funny how things worked out. He could feel bitter he supposed. Everyone moving on, having found success and him with nothing. Severus with his big industry job in the city and Remus with the new life he’d found in academia. And him, Sirius Black, _the_ Sirius Black, who had had everything at one time, the money, the looks, the talent, Mr World at his Feet, the Fortunate Son, the guy you were jealous of. _Him_. With nothing but gear in his veins and another two hits left if he could only pace them out and no place to go. Living in a flat his ex still paid for and measuring time in days until he had to leave the house and scrounge up his next score.

Yes he could feel bitter. But what would be the point? ‘Sides, he still had his looks, still had _that_ body. Could still use it if needed. And these days twenty quid worth of smack wouldn’t go far like it had at the start and Severus had stopped giving him money. When he first tried it it had seemed expedient, thrifty, it had seemed like he could have it all. A cheap drug that could dull all that blood he had on his hands, that he could do all of the time with no comedown? A drug that made the world seem good again, made him feel like that person he used to be again? Where did he sign?

At times he had wondered why he had ever bothered with all that other stuff, his previous life. It didn’t compare. Nothing compared. Heroin was beautiful. Heroin was _everything_. Heroin was love and peace and sex and music and everything in between.

Except when he didn’t have it and then it was diabolical.

And as it turned out, heroin was _expensive_. In every possible sense of the word.

At the weekend he found someone at a party, some guy with a cheap suit and greasy words that felt like lies and he let the guy fuck him on his hands and knees in a crap hotel room and he stared across at the wall and thought about getting high. He could feel the man’s tubby white stomach pressing into him. And he thought about getting high.

After they did get high and it was worth it.

Months pass this way and it’s hard to keep track of time in the regular way. He’s not sure when it is that Severus visits him but he tells him something that makes him angrier than he’s ever been in his life, something that changes everything.

“I’ll kill him.” He says and he’s surprised his voice is dead calm. Preternaturally so.

“No.”

Sirius laughs. “You know you can’t stop me.”

He speaks to Remus. “Do you know where he is?” He asks him. He’d become obsessed. At night he falls asleep to the image of his hands around Peter’s neck.

Remus traces patterns on his coffee cup and doesn’t look at him. “I can’t help thinking it’s our fault.”

He scoffs. “How so?”

“How often did we ignore him? When did we ever ask his opinion on anything? Ever? None of us really gave a shit about him. We treated him like a joke and here we are. No wonder he went looking to those creeps, with friends like us.”

“Bullshit.” Sirius says. “He made those choices himself. There’s nothing any of you could say that could make me join the fucking Death Eaters. That could make me betray my best friends to save my own life.”

“He was never as strong as you Siri.” Remus says quietly.

“Look, do you know where he is or not?” Sirius asks him.

“Of course I don’t.”

He comes up with a plan. He’s not sure it’ll work but it’s all he’s got. He finds the number for that Death Eater he’d scored off that time and sets something up. He affects a desperate smack head persona in case he questions anything, makes sure he seems completely strung out when he sees him. Then next week he does it again, then the week after that. Eventually he asks about Pete. I’ll give you double now and double next time I see you if you get Pete to deliver the next lot, he says. He’s astonished when the guy smirks then nods.

He had no idea whether he would turn up or not though to his advantage, Pete didn’t know how much he knew. And he thinks he might just want to see his old friend bought so low.

Severus rings while he’s waiting for him to arrive and he ignores it. Later he realises that was a mistake. Severus could ferret out suspicious intent like a goddamn sniffer dog.

“Hello Sirius.” Pete says with a mocking smirk and Sirius invites him in, his blood boiling. He’s got a bandage wrapped around his right hand, it looks like he’s missing the index finger.

“Well well well. Isn’t this interesting. Perfect Sirius Black, just another useless smack head.”

Sirius smiles. There’s something about the way he says it that makes him think he’s meeting the real Peter Pettigrew for the first time. “You got my skag?” He asks.

“Got my fucking money?”

“Of course.” He grabs the money off the counter and drops his wasted act. “So tell me Pete, how do you live with yourself knowing that you killed our best friends?”

Peter’s lips stretch over his teeth. “Wasn't me that did it.”

“Of course it was. What happened? You lose some blow and figured you may as well pin it on James? That’s what they where doing there that night wasn’t it? Looking for the drugs that you lost. You were always jealous of him weren’t you? I always thought it was me you wanted to be but it was him all along wasn’t it?”

“Why would I want to be a fucking fag like you?”

“That’s what I thought.” Sirius says. Severus had known it all along, don’t be silly Sirius had always said, Pete just didn’t understand, he’d said. Pete’s cool, you’re just being paranoid.

Pete fishes into his pocket and throws a small bag on the table. “Money.”

Sirius holds out a fist full of folded bills. Peter grabs at it, but he uses his left hand, his non dominant hand and Sirius doesn’t let go.

“You're the reason they’re dead. We know Pete. One of your little skin head mates ‘fessed everything.Dumbledore always finds out, or hadn’t you figured that out yet?”

Pete tugs at the money, a little desperately Sirius thinks. “Prove it.”

Sirius pulls and Pete stumbles forward. He grabs him by the scruff of his shirt. “Hm, no I don’t think so. I think I’ll just kill you instead.”

Pete huffs out a laugh, but he stops when he sees Sirius’s face, Sirius hauls him against the breakfast bar. He blinks a few times. “This is a very nice kitchen. I’m going to get blood all over it. Hm. Pity.”

“Th-they’ll kill you for this Sirius.”

He smiles slowly. He probably looks deranged. He feels it. “Maybe.”

“Sirius. Let him go.”

He sighs but doesn’t look up, he didn’t even hear him come in. “Hey Severus. Me and my old mate Pete are just having a nice chat. Just like old times, isn’t that right Pete?”

Goddamnit, trust Severus to turn up at the worst possible moment. He feels like he’s losing his momentum. “You really don’t want to be here Sev.” He hisses to him.

“Don’t mind me, this is just a social call.” Severus holds his hands up and comes closer. Next minute, Sirius’ hand is twisted behind his back before he realises it’s happening. Sirius tugs his arm away and swears at him.

“Leave.” Severus growls at Pete.

Peter back away and smoothes down his thinning hair, attempts an unaffected look. “He owes me money.”

“Sirius where’s his fucking money.” Sirius gives it to him with a scowl.

“Always fucking hated you.” Pete says to Severus.

Severus walks over to him with the cash. Sirius shivers. There’s something different about him. He looks sort of terrifying.

“Really?” He shoves the money into Peter’s shirt pocket. “I never gave a shit about you.” Which was ice cold and, Sirius knows, absolutely true.

Peter tries to leave but Severus pulls him flush by the shirt. It’s not that shirt’s day, Sirius thinks.

“I just saved your life you worm. Next time you won’t be so lucky. You come near any of us again, you’ll be missing more than just a finger.” He drops his voice to a cruel whisper, Sirius can just make out what he’s saying. “They’ve told you about me haven’t they? Yes they have, they’ve told you things. Tell me, what have they told you about me Peter?”

“Y-you’re a psycho. You’re a fucking psycho. You can make people do things by talking to them and you can play Russian roulette without flinching. You’re a freak.”

Severus leans in to his ear. “It’s all true. Remember that.”

He shoves Pete out the door and when he comes back the lines of his body are taut with anger. “What the hell was that?”

“You should have let me.” Sirius’s says and shoves his arms into the sleeves of his jacket.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like, I’m going after him.”

“Like fuck you are.” He growls. He slams Sirius into the wall so hard that the mirror next to his head falls and hits the ground with a shatter.

“Can you fucking stop doing that Sniv.” He says.

Severus just stands there shaking with his hands on Sirius’ chest. “I can’t lose you too Black.”

And it’s the way he says it, broken and desperate and pleading; Sirius hangs his head and then after a moment he feels Severus’ forehead pressed to his. When Severus drops to his knees Sirius hadn’t been expecting it and he just stares down at him stupidly. His head knocks back against the wall as Severus pulls his cock from his trousers. He looks down through his lashes. “I know what you’re doing.” He breathes. “This isn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t fair.” Severus mutters and slides Sirius hardening cock in to his wet, hot mouth.

After they clean up the smashed glass together in silence and don’t talk about how they had found that mirror together at that market on Portobello Road when it had felt like they were going to conquer the world with the other by their side.

* * *

He should have noticed. He had underestimated him. All the signs had been there, he had just been so caught up in his own life to notice it. He will regret that for the rest of his life.

“Why didn’t Riddle just kill him?” He had wondered to Sirius. He’d seen people killed for far less than what must have been several thousands of dollars worth of blow. And he’d got away with nothing but a missing index finger.

“Pete just has this way of getting out of things.” Sirius had said. “In all my years of knowing him I’ve never seen him get in trouble for anything. Not once. And he used to do all the same shit as we did. Come to think of it, the rest of us would take the heat for it every time.”

The thing he hadn’t told Sirius is, that day he had almost let him. For a second he had thought about walking out the door and letting him do whatever the fuck he thought he was going to do to him and coming back to help him dispose of the body when it was done.

Sometimes in the early hours of the morning when he can’t sleep, he wishes to god he had.

Life goes back to normal, he works and keeps an eye on Sirius as much as he can. His using terrifies him but he has no idea what to do about it. Every effort he and Lupin make to get him to rehab are met with histrionics. He’d talked to a clinic about methadone but that depended on him wanting to take it and that seemed unlikely.

He didn’t see him often but when he did Sirius stole from him, lied, told him he had stopped using, was getting his life together.

It’s two in the morning and snowing when he gets the call he’d been dreading. He sits bolt upright in bed and grabs at his cell phone. These days he’d taken to always keeping the phone fully charged with the ringtone turned up to full.

“Sev.”

“Sirius? What’s wrong?”

“Think I need help.”

“Where are you baby? Just tell me where you are and I’ll help.” He tries to keep his voice steady, non alarmist.

Sirius gives him the name of a hotel and he calls Tony from the landline and then an ambulance. He grabs his coat and throws on some shoes and promises Sirius he’ll be there soon. He stands out on the pavement with the snow falling around him and tries to keep Sirius talking.

He gets there before the ambulance, though on a night like this he had expected to. There is some fuss with the room number and key but he eventually gets it out of the young kid on the desk after he shoves everything he has in his wallet at him. He nods at Tony, _he’s going to stay here and if you’re lying to me I’m going to make a phone call_ , he says.

He lets himself in the room and he lets out a sigh of relief to see Sirius in the bathroom sloped against the tub, his lips are blue tinged and he’d thrown up on himself but his eyes track Severus as he walks in.

He grabs his clammy wrist and checks his pulse, it’s slow and weak but steady. He slots himself behind him and holds him and just waits, talking to him quietly and trying to elicit as many slurred, unintelligible responses from him as he can. He silently bargains with a God he doesn’t believe in to keep him safe. You think I was bad before he tells it, you let him die and I will destroy this whole fucking city. Riddle will have nothing on me.

When the emergency crew arrive he gets out of the way and watches, terrified as they inject him with Narcan and the colour returns to his face and his breathing becomes more normal. Thank God, he breathes aloud. They help him into a wheelchair and Severus heart breaks at how small and fragile he looks.

“Are you a friend?” The paramedic asks.

“His husband.” He tells them. They narrow their eyes but they let him ride in the ambulance.

He sits on cold plastic chairs in the hospital waiting room then at dawn he calls Lupin and they sit together waiting to be allowed in to see him.

He goes in first, alone. “You shouldn’t have waited.” Sirius says to him.

He scrubs his hand over his face. “What?”

“You should just stay away from me.”

“Sirius, you’ve—“

“I mean it. This is ridiculous. We’re not even together. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.”

“We’re — I mean—“ Why can’t he string a blasted sentence together?

“I mean it. I don’t want to see you. Just leave me. Go.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

He gulps and nods. “I’ll be here if you change your mind.”

“I won’t." he says.

He keeps his distance and flinches at every phone call imagining it to be the one that will finally break him.

He thinks about having sex with other people but he’s always working, he has no time, he tells himself.

In reality he’s out most nights scouting for talent, he does have the opportunity and other people in his office seem to have no problem combining business and pleasure. His heart’s just not in it.

They had just started letting him oversee the recording for a few of the smaller signs, it was nothing he hadn’t done before, Gryffindor had been so hands off that Severus used to organise practically everything for their first couple of albums. He’s often reminded of making that first one when he and Sirius were at logger heads the whole time and mostly he had just desperately wanted him to notice him. He finds himself thinking fondly of the memory.

He hires their old producer Gid Prewitt to produce one of them, mostly so he can have a familiar face around. He thinks he had promised him a few favours back when they were just starting out anyway, though at the time he probably hadn’t meant to follow through on any of it. The album ends up doing quite well and Slytherin drop the junior from his title and throw some more money at him. Soon he’s doing the same job as the senior guys. He gets a reputation as a good negotiator, and he lets them think it’s from his time in talent management but really being a manipulative cunt just comes naturally to him.

When eventually Sirius gets nabbed at Heathrow no one’s surprised. Severus visits him in jail. He’d found him the best lawyer he could afford but it was starting to look like there was no way he was going to get out of this without doing time; the amount of gear he’d had on him had been eye watering. They were going to get him for distribution, though thank god they’d been able to get it down from a trafficking charge. Miraculously he had no priors which would work in his favour.

“What did the lawyer say?” He looks sick and terrible, deep rings under his eyes and his skin waxy and yellow tinged. His leg bounces up and down anxiously.

“He wants me to plead. Says I’ll get four years. Out in two with good behaviour.”

Severus nods. Tries not to look terrified.

“You think I should?”

Severus rubs at his temple. “Yep. Yeah, I think you should. You’re not going to get better than that. I’m-” Just breathe. “- I'm sorry.”

He watches as Sirius’s face cracks. You will keep it together, he tells himself, you will. Sirius reaches across the table with a shaking hand. He lowers his voice. “Do you— do you think they’d let me out, just for a few days. Before I’m sentenced?”

Severus closes his eyes. “I don’t think so babe.”

Sirius looks panicky. “Not even if I — I mean what if you—“

“ _Sirius_.” He says in the most commanding voice he possesses. “You need to be strong now. Okay? You will get through this. You _have_ to get through this. You have no choice. It’s going to be hard for a bit but it will get better. I looked it up. It’ll be bad for about a week then you should be ok. In about 24 hours it’s going to get real bad but it won’t last, I promise. They’ll keep an eye on you. You can do this.”

“This is what you wanted isn’t it? Fuck you. I can’t do this, fuck you.” He spits.

This isn’t what he wanted. Far from it. “I’m sorry. If I could do it for you I would.” In a heart beat.

“Like hell you would. You hate me. This is what you wanted. Bastard.”

The guard steps nearer. “Do you need me to remove him?”

Severus shakes his head quickly. “We’re fine.” He looks at his watch. “We still have time.”

“No, get me out of here. We’re done.” Sirius says and Severus just _aches_.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” He tells Sirius as the guard leads him away.

He goes home and screams into a pillow.

* * *

Prison was, well, prison. Bleak, grim, squalid, the whole lot. So far he had kept his head down, kept to himself, fearful of being a high profile queer man in a prison. Nothing had happened so far but everyday he expected it to.

Severus had been right, he had got through the worst of the withdrawal and he had come out the other side. It had been awful, fucking dire at the time though he has almost no memory of it now. He must have been hitting the wall in his cell because later they’d discovered he had broken the fourth and fifth metacarpals in his right hand. He had regretted how he spoke to Severus beforehand and he had clung to his memories of him to get him through, spoke to him like he was there with him. His man, his husband, the great love of his life most likely. He thinks of all the things he’d done to hurt him and it helps pass the time when he can’t sleep at night. There are so many things.

Yes prison is bad but for the first time in almost five years his mind feels clear. He thinks about using every hour of every day, pines for it sometimes but he doesn’t _want_ to do it. That’s the difference. Sometimes he’s so grateful he’s in here he could get to his knees. He wouldn’t have been strong enough to do it out there. He knows that now.

Severus visits him every month and he looks forward to it greedily, hopelessly and it almost breaks him when he leaves.

Besides Remus, no one else visits. Who else was there? His father had visited him once when he was still in the depths of his withdrawal to tell him they would not be seeing him. It would be too hard for his mother, he had said. Hard for her? Sirius had said. Hard for fucking her?? Language, his father had said mildly. He had cried afterwards and he hated that they could still hurt him.

They put their hands up to the plexiglass like they’re touching, like he’s seen them do in the movies. He has so little human contact that it is an acceptable stand in.

“You look good.” Severus says.

He shrugs, he probably did look like a better approximation of a warm breathing body than he did last time.

“I miss you.”

“I do too kid.”

“I wish I could touch you.”

Sirius wished he wouldn’t say that stuff.

“Tell me about work. What have you been doing?” He asks and he smiles while Severus talks. God he’s proud of him. He knew that fierce little bastard he’d met all those years ago that bussed tables and scowled for a living would do good.

“Remember that first time we saw each other?” He asks him. “You might not. We locked eyes across the room and you scowled at me and that was it. I was done for.”

“Of course I remember.” His voice is rough.

“I’ve been thinking, what if I hadn’t followed James that night? What if instead of walking away I had gone up to you like I wanted to?”

“What would you have done?”

He smiles. “I would walk up to you, and I’d smile at you because I know you want me too, I can see it in your eyes, I would get up real close, so we were touching and I’d lean in to your ear and tell you that you were the sexiest guy I’d ever fucking seen. You’d stop scowling and smile back at me with that little knowing smile you have, that desperately sexy one and I’d push you up against that stage and slide my hand into your hair and I would kiss you so fucking well that you never so much as look at anyone ever again, except me.”

He swallows. There’s a single wet tear like a jewel on Severus’s cheek. “I never did look at anyone else, after seeing you.” He shakes his head. “All that time wasted.”

“It was always you baby.” Sirius says and surely he knows, after all this time, surely he’s realised that’s true.

Another tear joins the first. “ _Sirius_.”

“I know.” He says and he does. Everything, he meant, all of it. I wish to god we could do it all differently and I wouldn’t change a goddamn thing. Both at once.

Severus swallows like he’s trying to pull himself together. “I like our first time, it was worth the wait.”

“So do I.” He says. “Laundromat, 9.15.”

“Laundromat, 9.15.” Severus says.

That night he lays in bed and cries quietly to himself. He’s not going to be able to get through this if he keeps seeing him, that’s the truth of it.

“You can’t keep visiting me baby.” He tells him next time.

“What are you talking about?”

“I can’t do this with you here. I need to be able to get through this and I can’t when all I want to do is break through this glass and grab you and never let go.”

“Don’t do this.” He says.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m still in love with you Sirius.”

Sirius winces like he’s been punched. This is why. “I’m sor—“

“—Stop saying that.”

“I have to go.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

He stands. “Don’t.”

The next day he gets up, has his single portion cereal with his single portion of room temperature UHT milk, he makes his bed neatly, sits quietly, ignores his cellmate and waits patiently with his small kit of toothpaste, toothbrush and single sachet of shower gel. The guards open the doors and he gets down from his bed. He walks out the cell door. He is alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part II, and we're nearing the end of the story.  
> Thanks for reading and I feel like I should say sorry about the relentless heartbreak! Even for me this is a bit much! xx


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for somewhat graphic description of hard drug taking.

Part III

**New Beginnings**

“What did you think of that three piece last night?”

He tips his hand in a so so gesture. “They could stand to lose the front man.”

“Mm. I wonder if they would.”

“It would be easily done. I could give you five names right now, any of which would be an improvement.”

“Word is you're hot favourite for the big office when Cunningham finally fucks off into retirement.”

Severus quirks the corner of his mouth up, he doesn’t bother reaching for self-effacing. “Cunningham will never retire, they’ll have to have him forcibly removed.” Though he was counting on that not being true. He figures he has two years max. If he botched that up who knows how long he’d have to wait.

Barty raises his eyebrows. “You coming tonight?”

“Can’t, I’m leaving early. You’ll have to tell me if that girl’s any good, the one Avery’s been banging on about.”

“My money’s on she looks good but she can’t sing for shit.”

“Your money would be safe I’d imagine, knowing Avery. See you tomorrow.”

Barty slaps the door frame twice in farewell. He’d known the guy from Gryffindor but he’d defected so to speak.

Severus grins to himself when he’s gone. He knows he probably looks like an excited kid at Christmas. _Sirius_. God finally. After two excruciating long years. It had been almost that long since he’d seen his face. He had said not to wait for him but he had. It hadn’t been a chore. He had no interest in anyone else and now finally he had a chance to put right what they had got wrong all those years ago. He grabs his bag and takes the glass lift down to the bottom level. He keeps a space in a car park a few streets away, he supposes it’s an extravagance but he can afford it so he does.

He pulls out into traffic, it should only take him half an hour this time of day. He crosses the river heading south toward Brixton and on the way passes near their old south side stomping ground. Funny how life turned out. He’d given up his flat there soon after Sirius went inside. He couldn’t bear the constant barrage of memories. He’d bought himself a little two bedroom in Camden, it was far from flash but Sirius had always liked it there and he had the idea that Sirius would need a change of scenery too. Not that they’d ever spoken about living together but he never could give up the habit of planning for the two of them.

He had been surprised that Sirius had called him. He knew the day he was getting out, of course he had kept tabs but he had assumed it would have been Lupin, whom he had deemed acceptable for regular visits (from which Remus would report back to Severus with an apologetic hang dog air.)

No matter now, he thought, smiling widely, the sun was out and what ever happens next, they could get through it. The worst was over.

He pulls up outside the prison and as it was those not quite two years previous the visage was bleak and depressing. Today though, nothing could dim his spirits today.

He swings his legs outside the door of the car and smokes as he waits, he’d almost given up but he keeps a pack in his car for situations such as these. He’d smoked three in a row by the time he sees him. He saunters out in jeans, a white t-shirt and a single back pack hanging from one shoulder. Severus drops his cigarette and crushes it under his shoe and thanks every godly entity he knows of that Sirius could still saunter like that. Prison clearly hadn’t taken everything from him. He gets up and walks around the car, their eyes are trained on each other as he walks towards him.

There are a million things he wants to say but he doesn’t say any of them. They embrace tightly and when he has to let go, he does so reluctantly.

“You got fat.” He says. The last time he had seen him he had been too thin, his cheeks sunken.

“Yeah. I reckon I needed to put on a few.”

Years ago he would have pointed out, in a tone that conveyed his intention, how much bigger he was than him now and Sirius would have probably said something like, _you’re so little_ , in that way he had that made it sound like a Very Good Thing. But now it just seemed a bit cheap and sordid to say something so frivolous. Instead they both get in the car and Severus turns the engine on.

“Nice car Sniv.” Sirius says. He shrugs but something in his chest shifts at hearing that stupid name Sirius had for him. It had been a long time since he had said it with any malice and an equally long time since Severus had taken offence to it.

“No DB4 but nice.” He adds.

Severus smothers down a smile. “Perhaps not but at least this one’s not stolen.”

“It better not be. You think I wanna go back in there?”

Severus snorts out a surprised laugh. “We’re joking about that already?”

“I suppose I have to. What’s the alternative?”

He had no idea.

He finds a park on his street and leads Sirius up to his flat.

“I always liked this street.”

“Did you?” Severus says mildly. “I’d forgotten.” He supposes neither of them really believe that.

They stand in his lounge Severus casts about for something reassuring to say.

“Do you—“ He says at the same time Sirius says, “How long —“, “No you go,” he adds in a rush.

“How long have you been here?”

“Er, about a year and a half.”

“Do you like it?”

“Do you?” He asks. “I mean. God. Never mind.”

Sirius smiles. “Why don’t you show me around?”

“Do you want to see the bedroom?” Are you simple? He thinks to himself.

“I was thinking more your bathroom.” Sirius says with that same smile that’s mostly with his eyes. “I’m gagging for a proper shower.”

He keeps his eyes on Sirius and after a moment he sees a flicker of that familiar fire mirrored in his eyes. “Not yet.” He says. He unbuttons his shirt and lets it slip to the floor, he turns and walks towards the bedroom, dispensing with his trousers on the way. Sirius follows him thank God.

“Is this a good idea?” Sirius says eyeing his unmade bed, it’s spartan, utilitarian surrounds.

“Usually.” He says sullenly. Really? That’s what he’s going to say, is this a good idea? He suddenly feels very self conscious and unattractive.

Sirius sighs and slides a hand into his underwear. “It’s not like I don’t want to Sniv.” He whispers. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. But...”

“You’re hard.” Severus observes. He runs his finger in circles around the head.

“Of course I am. Look at you.”

“You’re out of breath.”

“ _Sniv_.”

He drops to his knees and mouths at him though his jeans. Sirius groans softly and winds his hands through his hair.

They make love with the curtains open to the weak afternoon sun, at first tender and slow, then as they go on more energetic as Severus pushes himself up on his elbows, encouraging _harder_ , _more_. Sirius reaches under, first rolls his balls around in his hand then finally, finally gives his attentions to Severus’s aching cock, fingers light and exploring, seemingly more for himself than for any giving of pleasure. _God, you feel good,_ he rasps low in his ear. Severus begs and unravels at his teasing, it had been awhile since anything like this, for him too, and he’s not a patient man, please please please he sobs and he’s trembling and whining with the need to come with Sirius’s hard dick hitting him just right and “god _there_ , fuck that’s it.” He’s ass up and face down in blankets, and Sirius takes pity on him and takes him in hand with a firm grip, Severus bites the duvet into his mouth then convulses and comes just as Sirius pulls him right to the hilt and nuts right deep inside him. It hits every pleasure centre he has just right and his orgasm is deep and intense.

After he curls into Sirius like a cat, feeling boneless and affectionate. _What was it like?_ He asks.

 _Scary at first,_ Sirius says, _then I sort of got used to it and most of the people weren’t all that bad. I made some friends, of sorts, kept my head down mostly_. He had lit one of his cigarettes apologetically, the one vice I have left, he said.

His body was warm and solid and familiar and Severus’s fingers skate lightly over his chest, tangling in hair. His head was slotted into Sirius’ shoulder, he could hear the faint but steady beating of his heart.

“Did you think of me?”

“Did I think of you?” He huffs in amusement. “Yes, I thought of you. I— yes.”

“Why didn’t you want me to see you?” He winces at the sound of his own voice, keeps following the sworls of hair with his index finger.

“Sev.” It’s said like a warning.

“I thought that maybe — were you fucking someone else in there? You can tell me.”

Sirius, just in repose, goes still, like a hound before a kill and he realises that it might have been a dumb thing to say. Sometimes he has trouble knowing until he sees the reaction. Impossible to take back now.

Sirius picks Severus’ arm up and removes it from his body.

“What are you doing?” Redundant as Sirius pulling his clothes back on speaks for itself.

“Nothing Sev, I’m just - You know I’m not actually your fucking boyfriend right, so you don’t get to say that shit to me.”

Severus says Don’t go and I’m sorry, and I didn’t meanbut he grabs his bag and heads to the door anyway. “This was a mistake.” He says and Severus scrambles after him.

He grabs trousers from the floor, chases him up the hall, tries to pull them on and run concurrently. “Wait, Sirius, just —.” He says but he’s too late, his footsteps are already on the stairs. Severus stares unblinking at the door, willing it to open. You’d think I was done crying over that man, he thinks.

* * *

Sirius had flung himself into the first bus he’d seen and stared out the window, not caring where he was going and trying not to hate himself. He should have called Remus. He was going to but at last minute he’d had a burst of hopefulness. He felt like he’d changed, was it too much to hope that Severus had too? And besides that, he missed him dreadfully.

Except it was only Sirius who had been inside, who’d had two whole years to introspect and ruminate. Everyone else had just been going on with their lives, worrying about work and private lives and friends and lovers, all of which he’d had none. He had thought that he would get out, get his life together, then with time they could reconnect, meet as friends first, as adults. They were still married but in name only, he’d hoped they could reclaim that too but slowly. He hadn’t wanted this, zero to a hundred like always. Old resentments, old issues, old fights. Old ways to resolve them, old ways to forget.

At first he’d been angry; at himself for allowing this to happen, at Severus for rehashing that same old argument. Nothing’s changed he had thought in desperation. We’re still back there. Then he just had to flee. It wasn’t Sev’s fault really, he could feel the need to be touched, to be loved, rolling off him in waves. Somewhere in the last two years Sirius had stopped needing that.

Prison had been bad but it could have been worse, he’d spent the first six months expecting to be targeted for his sexuality, though to his relief it hadn’t really been an issue. The men had been more interested in his celebrity than anything else, though some had asked him hilarious and invasive questions about being queer which he answered as honestly and seriously as he could and two men privately confided to him that they were gay also. He’d get called pretty boy and big shot but it was mostly just banter and he got a reputation for being quiet and intelligent which was so far from his outside reputation that it was hilarious but he had found himself enjoying it. In a strange way it had seemed like an opportunity for reinvention.

He had left prison feeling like he was carrying invisible armour with him.

And now it was falling off in chunks.

When he pays attention again he realises the bus had been taking him west, to where he grew up. God knows why but he finds the familiarity comforting so he jumps out at King St in Hammersmith, just after his old neighbourhood of Kensington. He wanders towards the river and walks until the sun starts to set. He gets recognised by a couple maybe ten years older than him and he’s awkward and anxious. He escapes quickly, almost runs from them. Somehow he’d forgotten he was famous.

He should probably have rung Remus; make sure you’re not alone, he’d been told, the first days are the hardest. Instead he’d found a hotel, paying more than he probably should but hell, he still had money, it had just sort of kept rolling in over the past two years, and of course he hadn’t spent a penny. But he thinks Remus has a new girl, though he hadn’t said much about her, and besides he could do with a little luxury for a day or two.

By Thursday he realises he has no real plan. Nothing he can really do anyway. And he doesn’t want to go outside because he’ll get recognised. He’d never been bothered by that before. 52237 he thinks. By Friday he realises it was James who’d decided his life for him and what was he going to do now and he’d thought he’d mourned for him in jail but out here the reality of his absence seems all too real; cloying, oppressive.

52237\. 52237.

By Saturday he thinks of Severus, fighting with him was probably better than living without him. And maybe he’s strong enough this time. Severus would look after him and he’d stay at home all day and stare out windows and be his pretty, vacant house husband and—

52237.

He punches the number into his phone and waits.

He lets the guy into his room. “Heard you’d been inside.” He says.

“Just got out,” he tells him.

“Celebrating?”

“Something like that.” He hopes he doesn’t sound as grim as he feels.

He leaves the package on the coffee table and eyes it as he makes a cup of tea. He drinks the tea and stares at it from across the room, drumming his fingers on the table.

He takes a spoon from the kitchen, the junkie’s accoutrement, the sick but comforting ritual of the thing. This he knew. He walks to the bathroom and time seems to shift and warp, he feels like he’s a passenger, like he’s watching himself from the ceiling. He opens the package with shaking fingers. His guy had put a needle in there for him like he’d asked and he stares down at it, part in longing, part in wild, unadulterated loathing. The bathroom light overhead was was bright and unyielding as if in encouragement. It won’t get better than this, a voice tells him, so why bother fighting. This is who you are. Welcome home. We’ve been here all along.

He steels himself and prepares the hit, his hands now steady. He flicks his lighter and watches the slow then quick dissolve into liquid, the rapid boil, a cosmos in a dessert spoon.

When he hears the voice, he startles, as much because he knows who it is than because it’s not his own. _Ya soft wanker, put the fucking thing down will you?_ And then softer: _That’s enough now eh babe? You’ve punished yourself enough now, don’t you think?_

“ _James_.” He says aloud. All the hairs on his arms are standing on end. “Stay with me? Please?” He says desperately. Is he going crazy? He doesn’t feel like he is. He thinks of how despite years of trying he hadn’t succeeded in destroying himself. In his mind his future forks out from this moment, he might not know what the other path holds, but he knows this one. It’s short. This is the moment, this is where he chooses.

He turns on the tap and watches it run for several minutes, his heart in his throat. Short path or the longer, unknown one?

With a half cry half sob he thrusts the spoon under the tap and lets it clatter to the basin. He grabs the bag and upends it quickly into the toilet before he can change his mind. The powder seems to fall in slow motion, like snow, and he watches, hypnotised.

He presses the flush and it feels like he’s washing it all away, the blame, the guilt, the anger, everything. When it’s over he collapses and grips the edge of the bath tub like he’s drowning and he sobs, loudly, messily like he hasn’t let himself do before. He sobs for James and he sobs for Regulus and he sobs for Lily. He sobs for the decimation of his marriage and for Severus so hard and tough and as breakable as glass. And most of all he sobs for himself, that young boy who had deserved love but never found where it should have been, who built that armour that he disguised as arrogance and aggressive self confidence. Eventually - he has no idea when - he stops crying and he’s surprised to feel tangibly, bodily lighter.

“Thanks babe,” he whispers, “I’m alright. I think I’ll be alright now.”

He washes his face in the sink and stares at his reflection. He knows what he has to do. He just needs to find the strength to do it.

He takes out his mobile, finds the number and let’s it ring. A voice answers and he takes a steadying breath.

“Dad? It’s me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DB4 is the type (type? flavour? I know nothing about cars) of Aston Martin that Sev and Sirius 'borrowed' that time.  
> Note on the number 52237: It used to be a thing that drug dealers used pagers (no idea if that still exists, perhaps it does), anyway that's what that number refers to. I have no idea if pager numbers are only 5 digits long but let's just pretend that they are.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you for reading my sad little fic, I hope this last chapter gives some resolution, albeit bittersweet, for our boys xx

Sirius hadn’t answered any of his calls then after a couple of weeks there’s just a message that the number has been disconnected. He had been upset at first but then he realised that they had done this before, many times, it was just a blip, they’d get through it like they had everything else. They had to.

He has no idea whatsoever where he was and he starts to worry so on Sunday he visits Lupin at his flat.

There’s an awkwardness in Lupin’s greeting which is at odds with his usual effusive friendliness.

“Hi Severus, I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Is that a problem?”

He seems to find his manners momentarily. “Of course not, come in.”

“Hi Severus.” He blinks in surprise to see Sirius’ baby cousin sitting on Lupin’s couch, dressed in jeans and t-shirt a few sizes too big for her. Though she was clearly a child no longer.

“Nymphadora?” He says and he sees her wince slightly. She used to hate that name as a kid too, he notes in amusement. “Sirius never said you two were acquainted.” Did it mean Sirius was here? Sirius used to say that his aunt Andromeda and her husband Ted, ‘Dora’s parents, were the only people in his family he could stand, so while he had rarely come into contact with the rest of the Black family, he had spent several reasonably pleasant evenings at the Tonks household. Severus hadn’t minded, they had been casually accepting of their marriage in a way that no one else in either of their families had and it had been a welcome novelty at the time.

“Ah only recently.” Lupin says.

“Last time I saw you, you were in braces.”

She laughs awkwardly. “Yeah. Right.” She throws Lupin a desperate glance. He mentally catalogues everything he’d just said, he didn’t think he’d said anything particularly insulting.

He shrugs and forges on. “You must be what, 20 now? Dear God, how did that happen?” It just seems to make everything more awkward, which hadn’t been his intention.

Lupin clears his throat. “Severus.”

“Is Sirius here then, is that why you’re here?”

“ _Severus_.” Lupin looks at him pointedly and spreads his hands. He looks at Nymphadora in her too big men’s t-shirt, that come to think of it he recognised as Lupin’s, her bare feet and the way she was perched on the couch with her feet up, almost as if...

Oh. “ _Ohh_. Right.” Bloody hell, he wondered what Sirius had made of this.

She jumps up suddenly, “I’m going to go lie down.” She says brightly and gives Severus a kiss on his cheek on her way past. “Nice to see you Sev.” She disappears breezily into Lupin’s room.

Severus raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

“We met at the University.” He says. “I had no idea who she was at first. She’s a student, obviously. Not mine, in case that’s what you’re thinking. And yes I am eight years older than her but really that’s—”

“—Lupin, for Christ’s sake I don’t care. Sleep with each one of your students as far as I’m concerned.”

He gives him a tight lipped smile. “Sirius doesn’t know.” Ah.

“Speaking of, have you seen him?”

“Who, Sirius?”

“Of course Sirius. He hasn’t answered any of my calls and I know he doesn’t want to see me right now but —“

“Severus, you don’t know?”

“Know what?” He starts to feel worried. “Where is he?”

“Severus, Sirius is gone.”

“Gone.” He annunciations the word like he doesn’t understand its meaning. He shoves his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking.

“He’s not — I’m so sorry, I thought you knew.”

“Knew _what_?”

“He’s moved to America. Emigrated I guess is the correct term. His father helped him. He’s in New York as we speak. He’s - I’m sorry Severus - but I think his intention is to stay there.”

Severus shakes his head. He doesn’t believe what he’s hearing. It can’t be - it _mustn’t_ be true. “That can’t - he would have—“

“It’s true I’m sorry, I thought he told you.”

He stares past him at the wall. There’s suddenly a heavy pain in his chest. “I have to go—.”

Lupin follows him to the door. “Severus please stay. Talk to me. I’ll make tea.”

He shakes his head, he doesn’t even know how to respond so he doesn’t, just leaves, head down he walks quickly, down the stairs and out the door then down the street to his car. He wrenches the door open and lurches inside. He tries several times to put the keys in the ignition and finally he just drops them with a sob. He grabs at the stealing wheel and lets out a wail which turns into a scream. He sobs until he physically can’t any longer, not caring what he must look like to passer's by. Eight years he had loved that man, _eight years_ and he’d loved him more than life, more than the earth and the sun. He’d loved him as surely and as steadily as the earth rotated on its axis. And he’d left him forever with not a word. He feels himself shatter into a million pieces, floating in space.

He goes home to his flat and he wants to burn it down. It makes him sick, the place he had blithely assumed they would be living together. He had imagined it as the setting of their happily ever after. He cringes at the thought. It was all a lie, their entire relationship had been a lie, how could it not be? If Sirius had ever loved him like _he_ did he would never leave him. Not in a million years. He had knocked down each and every one of his defences and then he had destroyed him, casually, callously. “That’s just what I thought you’d do,” he whispers, voice shaking.

He makes up a family emergency and takes the week off work. He lies on the couch in track pants and feels sorry for himself, oscillating between hating Sirius and missing him. It’s better the hating; when he misses him he forgets how to breathe. When he finally summons the energy to order a takeaway, having not eaten more than stale toast for days, he can barely string a sentence together.

On Friday night he sits smoking cigarettes on his bed and looks down to the busy, lit up street below and he thinks of him; tries to recall each one of his motley collection of tattoos, his large hands with their strong, big-knuckled fingers, the way he used to smile at him when he thought he wasn’t looking, kind of loopy and fond. The times they’d made love, all those times, joyful and hot and angry and everything in between. How he’d growl at him, _If I don’t fuck you soon I’ll go mad_ , like he couldn’t bear not to touch him, eyes pleading and dark and and a little bit unhinged. His smile, god his smile, you could drown in it. The way he’d smiled at him like that, that night in Berlin when he’d asked him to marry him, I love you kid, he’d said and _God_ , it had seemed like he meant it. He thinks about all of it then he pushes it away; he won’t think of him again.

The next night he phones Avery and together they scour the usual haunts, eyes and ears peeled for talent, charisma, good looks, the last one especially. He finds nothing that impresses but in a dark, smoky dive bar at midnight he follows a young keyboardist into the loos and he manages to not think of anything but his hot mouth on him and the dark curls between his fist. After Avery raises an eyebrow, Not like you Snape, you managed to find your balls in that week off?

“Seems like it,” he replies.

“I like this new you. Much less of a pussy.”

So do I, he thinks, so do I.

.

“Congratulations.” Crouch calls to him poking his head into his office. “Your first Brit nom, how’s that?”

“Congratulate me when we’ve won.” He says. The Album of the Year nomination wasn’t _his_ exactly but for the album he had made with one of his recent signs. Though the amount of work he’d put into it it felt like it was and to those who knew about these things it was just as impressive. More so.

“Oh come on, you could get a bit excited. Slughorn sure is. You’re his new boy did you know that? You can’t shut him up about you.” He knows Barty only sucks up to him because he wants to be second fiddle once Severus nabs the department head title but he doesn’t mind. He’d do the same in his shoes. “You coming?”

“Yeah,” he says, “Give me a sec, I’ll meet you in the foyer.”

Once he’s gone he looks over his large, elegantly bare desk, his spacious modern office, tastefully appointed with expensively minimalist furniture, and out through the wide, spotless floor to ceiling windows. All of London was down there. The rich and the poor, and everything in between; the skinheads and the busboys and the no hoper sons of alcoholic nobodies. Strange that he now felt no connection to any of those people he used to be. He and his colleagues ruled this town, the high and the low parts, they decided who was worthy and who was not. There wasn’t a person in this town he couldn’t meet eye to eye as an equal. And that included blue blooded cabinet ministers with a family name so old they could rival the queen.

And speaking of Blacks, yes there was that hole in his heart that he suspected might be there forever but it got less insistent by the day and he would survive. He knew he would. He would thrive even. It would be almost like a sharp jawed, even featured son of a millionaire Tory minister hadn’t once ripped his heart clean in two.

He worked and worked. If he had thought he had ever worked hard before, he now put that to shame. The work was everything. The work was all he knew. And he was so good at it he got resentful stares from people he had once respected and looked up to. He ignores it. What he wants now no man can give to him. He wants to be the best. He wants to be so successful and so revered that people piss their pants when he walks into a room. Only then will he prove to himself that he didn’t need him, that he never needed anybody.

One thing is for sure, he will never be hurt like that again. No one will have him on his back, tender belly exposed, ready for the kill again. No fuss, no feelings, clear expectations, nobody gets hurt. That’s how he will live his life. The thought fills him with a giddy ease that can only be likened to a high. Power and control. That’s all anybody ever really needed, isn’t it?

He gets up out of his £4,000 office chair and surveys himself quickly in the mirror hanging on the wall, he runs his hand through his hair, makes sure it looks just so, andadjusts his tie.

Power and control.

He grabs his black leather satchel with its subtle designer markings and heads out the door. The night awaits.

* * *

“I need to leave.” He’d told Remus. He had nodded like he’d been expecting it.

“When?”

Tomorrow. Last week. Three years ago. “Soon. As soon as I can.”

“Where will you go?”

He’d shrugged. “An American consulate owes the minister a favour so maybe there.” He hadn’t cared as long as it was far. He thought of what Snape had said so many years ago; you didn’t just stop being rich, it didn’t work like that. He had been right, he always was. Luckily for him.

“And Severus? Have you told him?”

He’d picked at the hem of his jumper.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah.” He had said. “Yeah I’ve told him.”

He takes a sip of his soda and lime looks out over the hotel bar. It’s spacious and open, darkly furnished, but bright and modern. Expensive. He’d stayed in plenty like it, even as a kid he could remember he and his brother tearing around places like this while his parents imbibed top shelf liquor and ignored them and called it a family holiday. The minister was paying for his extended stay at Chateau Rich Fuck, until he got on his feet, he said. Which was suitably vague and allowed for various interpretation so Sirius was planning on milking it for as long as he conceivably could. It was the least Orion could do.

It was late morning but there were people about, beautiful, aesthetically pleasing people, women impossibly thin, men powerful. The thing about Manhattan was, no one cared who you were. No one cared if you were a middling famous British rock musician with a sketchy history of narcotics. He hadn’t been recognised once since he’d arrived. He was a stranger. He was... no one. No one knew anything about him and nobody cared. He feels like he’s been gifted a new start on life. He wonders if he can do it better this time. Some days he thinks he can.

A week or two after he had arrived he’d received the angry call from Remus that he’d been expecting. Why do I feel like I just broke up with your husband for you Sirius? Do you know what it’s like to have someone’s heart break in front of you? I do. Remus had hung up on him, hard, in the middle of Sirius’s stumbling apology.

He’d called back immediately, bless him, Sirius had been almost in tears and he had said I’m sorry Siri, I shouldn’t have said that, it’s going to be ok. I’ll keep an eye out for him, he’ll be fine.

Is this the point you tell me you’re diddling my cousin? Sirius had asked and Remus hadn’t said anything for several seconds. Fuck, he had said.

In the end it had been fine and Sirius had assured him several times that he was alright with the whole thing, even though he hadn’t been, well not entirely. He figured he’d get there though and he hadn’t wanted to lose his only friend over it.

Anyway not long after that Severus had served him with divorce papers and he had sobbed under the covers of his bed like a child then he had got up and showered and signed them with an almost steady hand. He ended up doing alright out of it and Severus had let him keep his flat in Amsterdam, it was worth quite a lot now, if he ever decided what the fuck he was doing here he could sell that and do something with it. Though he had wished Severus had taken him to cleaners. It was what he deserved.

For now he does little else but sit in his usual spot by the window in this bar with his tattered notebook and swim lap after lap in the hotel pool, thinking of nothing but the smooth cut of his hands through water, his steady even breath and the burn in his muscles as he pushes himself just a little bit further, just a little bit faster. His existence is a detached and dissociated thing, liminal and formless, even his sense of time seems changed. And when he thinks of everything that’s happened, which is often, it’s like a half remembered fever dream. He’s 28 years old and he feels like he’s lived three lifetimes over.

He picks up his ball point pen and scribbles _I love you like a fever dream_. He’d been writing again, incessantly, obsessively and whatever he was writing, it wasn’t Marauders songs. He’d been writing about him, that was the truth of it. He tries not to think of him but there he was, in everything he wrote. He wonders if he’s thinking of him too, and what he’s doing, if he’s happy. He hopes he is. Hopes he’s happy finally, free of him, wishes him all the success and recognition his lovely little evil heart desires. Sometimes when it rains he imagines the same beating rain falling on him too and he speaks to him, tells him he loves him more than he can say, always will. Tells him everything he should have said to his face but couldn’t. Tells him he’ll see him again, one day, when they’re getting old and their hair is turning grey and they have lines around their eyes from too much laughing.

Wasn’t it the best? He would ask him. Wasn’t it beautiful?

It was the very worst and it was the best I could imagine.

It was heaven. Or something like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point where I remind you that Second Chance City exists and they do meet again - though not for another 12 years! I had to go back and read it after I finished writing this to make myself feel better, I recommend doing that ... *sobs*
> 
> Final music notes! When I was writing SCC I listened to a lot of The Tallest Man on Earth, particularly his songs Love is All and Rivers, and that was what I envisioned Sirius to sound like post-prison. When I was writing the final part of this fic, I was listening to his 2019 album I Love You. It's a Fever Dream. and I was surprised how perfectly the themes went with what I was writing about. The little line Sirius writes at the end is a nod to that album. 
> 
> I also just *have* to mention The Cure's Just Like Heaven - it influenced the title of this fic, and if this were a movie, The Tallest Man on Earth's Hotel Bar would be playing in the last scene, and when the credits roll it would definitely be Just Like Heaven that played us out. I just really like the tone and aesthetic of this song for the fic as a whole.


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